Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

This was a year 9 gathering, YEAR 9 some of these kids are only just 14. No, on so many levels! I’m actually quite shocked. I’m not suggesting year 9, don’t drink but what on earth are you doing allowing it? I can’t really get past that.

I agree. I don’t have an issue with the Ubers but being completely blase about year 9 kids drinking gets me.

If I had discovered any of the teens didn’t have parental consent, I would firstly not let them attend and if they did and I found out later, I would be making a call and apologising. I don’t know all their parents to contact. It’s not feasible to have a conversation so I have to go by my standards and the standards of those parents I do know.

these invites are sent via snap chat. When my son was sent one originally- I asked tons of questions even before we got to the drinking part. I made him ask the group for the girl to confirm and he showed me the answers (ie- are the parents ok with this? How many people have the parents said is ok? Is this just teens or are other adults going to be AT the party or just supervising etc etc and when we discussed drink I asked him to check what her parents had said about it. I’m aware she could lie, but as I’d never met this girl before or her parents it’s all I had to go on).

I then made arrangements for him to be dropped off and collected safely.
I don’t disagree with Ubers at all. I was just shocked that it hadn’t been sorted/ arranged and nearly an hour and a half after the finish time these girls only then made it home and no one seemed to really mind.

Also, not all of the teens are drinking at these ‘events’ some chose not to or are not allowed etc. some go wild and have their photos plastered in group chats (my sons worst nightmare!) I ensure mine is doing this sensibly and those in MY garden are also sensible and respectful (as they were).

don’t get me wrong however, all these comments (good, bad and ugly) have defiantly given me pause for thought so Absolutly taking all onboard to make a better choice going forward, if at all! Just trying to point out I simply didn’t open the gates and start dishing out bottles of vodka.

thanks again.

I don’t know all their parents to contact. It’s not feasible to have a conversation

Of course it's feasible. You just ask for their contact details and get in touch.

No teen is going to say in a snapchat message (particularly one that they know you will see) that their parent doesn't know about the party arrangements or the alcohol. So this is an entirely useless form of check.

4times is spot on. It’s very literal
the “they would do it anyway” argument annoys me. There is a reason we were furtive as teens because the clear message from our parents was drinking at a young age was not allowed or right. Is this necessarily a bad thing?

Seriously dh looked into this and found studies that those with parents who were lax / encouraging of early drinking were more likely to be problem drinkers down the line. Not saying you become authoritarian and drive them under ground it’s important to keep lines of communication open obviously but this right on endorsement of wrong behaviour is damaging.

Anecdotally we found it a class /cultural issue. One teen was in with a particular set and we had far more issues with lax teen parenting than our eldest who was not in this group:

Year 9’s also vape.

Shock I know. Huge issue at the school. (And it’s a good school!!) High school has a been eye opening for sure!!

So that’s something else we’ve had to navigate, which, of course was a hard ‘don’t you ever think about it or your life will be over’ type conversation. I also had to state no vapes in my garden or I would shut it down AND tell parents they were vaping- no one vaped here thank god but they do it.

does my son?- I’d kill him. He knows that. Nothing found to prove he has so far. He assures me he wouldn’t, I’m trusting him until proven otherwise.

so yeah … 2 ciders.

They all vape sorry to tell you.

He’s not even that fussed about the drinking anyway so doesn’t normally actual finish any of the very small cans. When we cleared up on Saturday, most of the cans were open and unfinished.

You said he's only allowed two cans, so how can 'most of them' be opened and unfinished?

You may be right. If I catch him, find one or get told, he will be loving a very different life as all this trust and freedom will be gone in an instant. That’s a hard line for us.

He knows this. Let’s see.

Indeed they do vape. I have had 3 of them and yes all vaped behind my back. Even now I don’t want to see it and yes year 9 drink but absolutely no way in this earth would I be facilitating it

Because they open them and don’t finish them. I have no idea.

It seems such a strange attitude to me I have to admit. If you told me my 14yr old son had to go out tonight and either vape or have a few drinks, I would be choosing the vape. The impacts on the developing brain from a few drinks, several times over the last few months, wouldn’t be my pick at all. When I work with teens that drink regularly at 14, there is almost always some background or family challenges. It’s just not what I see in my own 14yr old son and his circles. I would be one of the most lax parents in my son’s circles and I’m positively uptight by Mumsnet standards sometimes!

So you give him more than two cans then?

So secret vaping and secret drinking is ok?

I prefer my option of here’s an inch. Take a mile and we have an issue. I prefer respect (both ways) and a way to make this work together and not in secret. Its working so far. If it doesn’t then it will stop until he’s legally old enough.

I get this is alternative, but here we are! Just doing the best with what I got.

No! He has 2. If he doesn’t drink then that’s his choice.

In that case your previous post doesn't make sense.

"He’s not even that fussed about the drinking anyway so doesn’t normally actual finish any of the very small cans. When we cleared up on Saturday, most of the cans were open and unfinished."

Come on, that's more than two otherwise you would've said either of the cans.

Holy moly.

i couldn’t deal with the vaping. That said, I respect your opinion.

He doesn't drink regularly. Not at all. We don’t have family challenges thankfully and we enjoy the occasional social gathering healthily as adults.

I would choose the vape 100 times over the drink. I can’t say it thrills me but the risks are minuscule compared to drinking. No, we don’t know the long term impacts of the vapes but they don’t mess with the brain, they don’t make you out of control and engage in risky behaviour. Obviously I’d prefer neither but realistically for young teens I think the vape is lesser of 2 evils

Many cans- of different beverages that the other teens had bought along. His 2 cans (of a specific brand) were there also.

MANY of the cans unfinished.

I have a DD your son's age and one just finished Y11.

I wouldn't be supporting the younger one drinking but do know that the eldest one started going to parties with some alcohol in year 10. The first one she was at, a couple of her friends got really wasted which thankfully put her off for a while. I don't think it was the norm though in Yr 10.

Her and her friends didn't really start drinking regularly until the Y11 16th birthday parties though. Now it's pretty normal for parents to provide some cider or beer and ready mixed cans of cocktails. When we hosted, we did limit to about 2 cans per person.

On the Uber, again I think they're young to rely on Uber and I wouldn't be happy about my 14 year old using it in those circumstances. But there are Uber teen accounts which link to your own account and mean you can track them. My eldest uses this now as I'd rather that than use public transport late at night but she's only used it in Y11.

I do think quite a few parents are a bit irresponsible about how their kids get home. I've got a friend who's DH doesn't drink, and the whole friendship group expect him to do picks up from teen parties without actually checking with him first.

You did the right thing by driving them home and agree their issuers absolutely should have sorted out a way for them to get back.

It’s the facilitating year 9’s drinking I have an issue with. Sure they might drink but no way am I going to give that permission.

3 kids though school and as far as I’m aware, and none of them like sleeping out, so no hiding from me, all have reached 6th form without any drunken out of control issues

So this says to me that either

1. No one is bothered about drinking, in which case your entire argument for allowing it falls down and you can just say "no alcohol" OR
2. They aren't drinking the cans because they are drinking something else they smuggled in, in which case your entire argument about safe drinking falls down

The OP has said the kids will bring booze whether she gives permission or not.

So her son would allow his friends to disrespect his parent's wishes by bringing alcohol, but apparently not vodka so OP thinks he's a responsible boy 🤷‍♂️

I couldn’t deal with vaping either, but I’m not letting my 14yr old son drink multiple times over a few months……there are certainly either some challenges at his school or with his peers if they are off drinking regularly. It isn’t typical behaviour for most 13 and 14yr olds. If they were approaching 16 then maybe, but don’t kid yourself that most well adjusted young teens from solid homes and backgrounds are going and drinking regularly… the fact that 4 girls had parents who gave precisely 0 fucks about their wellbeing and safety should tell you that he isn’t hanging with a great cohort!