Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

My dc took buses at 14 so that doesn’t surprise me, it’s normal in cities. I wouldn’t have hosted an alcohol containing party at 14 though, 16 was the minimum in my house

He did. It’s in the kitchen still sealed!! I’m saving it for Xmas 🤣- thanks!!
12 kids was small. Some of these gatherings are 40/50 kids plus.

I knew all of the kids (and their parents) well last night apart from 5 of them- 4 being these girls.

14 year olds having friends over for a few drinks…. What the fuck, op?

I have a DS (15, about to go into Yr11) I wouldn’t have hosted the party, too much, too young.

Lesson hopefully learned, I wouldn’t host anything like this again.

The thing is the parents who allow and actively encourage this sort of unreasonable shit place so much pressure on decent parents who don’t want to. It’s exactly the same as phones too young or wearing only designer gear etc.

Push, push, push. Always so desperate for them to grow up. We had a mum here give out cans of non-alcoholic cider to a bunch of 11 year olds at a party.

@Mumsytutu
When you said you weren’t 100% up for it, you should have listened to that voice.

You are introducing the idea that the consumption of alcohol is part of being together as a group. That it’s somehow needed, and you need to “get used to it”.
Young people are increasingly shifting away from this way of thinking. Don’t push how society was for you upon your son. Alcohol damages the growing brain and while as an adult you can make the decision to prioritise the occasional evening of letting your hair down, you shouldn’t be making it something that is required at a social event, especially not to 14 year old children.

You might as well save it till he's 15 and can no longer get a buzz out of drinking 2 cans of cider.

I can't imagine how high is alcohol tolerance will be by the time he's an adult.

His liver will take a real caning before he feels even tipsy.

So where are you OP?

We've all been teenagers FFS. Don't you think it's better they do it at home than lying to their parents hanging around the streets drinking? The OP's son was responsible taking the vodka off them. If they had drunk it they would have been absolutely pissed throwing up possibly ended up in hospital. But if they had at least it would have been at someone's home not on the streets or a park causing trouble smashing glass. We have a lot of trouble with local teens drinking in parks. Especially the big one which is a Victorian Even set fire to the band stand and shelter that has been there over a hundred years and they destroy it.

I think you’re all pretty bad parents for allowing a group of 14 year olds to hang around drinking alcohol in a garden then make their own way home.
And yes I do have a 15 year old, i wouldn’t allow her to do this and it’s not normal behaviour among her friend group either

I think I live a different life. My two 14 (15 later this month) have friends over all the time. They like pizza and Pepsi.

OP I think you need to get off your high horse. You actively encouraged the illegal drinking of minors in your home. Why? Because you can’t buy alcohol for unless you are 18. Yes you can drink at home but that doesn’t mean a party. Absolutely not okay.

The fact that you are concentrated on how other kids get home after being responsible for their drinking is a consequence of your decision.

It’s not hard ‘you are 14 and aren’t drinking at that age’. I have kids. It wasn’t hard and have had large parties where it was very clear no alcohol.

Yes you take them home BUT you ask before if you live rurally how they are getting home.

YABU. Stop encouraging you 14 year old and other 14 year olds to drink alcohol.

This is exactly my thoughts. I’m also concerned that if they are putting themselves in a situation like this at a small gathering, what else is going on. I’m also not convinced any adult was actually in the 1st house I dropped off at (I watched them go in with a key- no lights were on. Very odd).. 2nd stop mum was waiting at the door.

Where are you OP?

I was drinking in bedrooms and laneways at 15 too despite my parents having a sensible approach to alcohol and allowing me to try wine/champagne at special occasions. I also did not facilitate my daughter drinking at 14/15. Even now, she is not 18 but some of her friends are, I don't allow garden/house parties without knowing that all the parents are ok with alcohol being consumed. I certainly would not have permitted any alcohol at a 14 year old's party, and at that stage she would have been collected from any night outing. I can't see any of her friends' parents being any different. I don't think you are 'stricter' or 'better' than those girls parents. You are equally irresponsible

I'm with most others - 14 is too young for this sort of party however well you are "monitoring" - teens are sneaky! Like others on here I wouldn't allow this until 16/17 and with checking with all the parents (not just the ones I knew) beforehand that they were happy with this. If you are checking in with the parents anyway, that means you can also check they know when it finishes and you can ask how they are getting home.

I agree it's poor parenting to not know how your teenager is getting home; although I don't see the issue with an Uber. Not everybody drives or is in the position to offer lifts (only parent at home with young child, for example). Did you/your DC make it clear to the guests in advance that it was difficult to get Ubers from your village? If you didn't, I would make sure to do that next time.

I’m in the UK. Live here, born here. Our drinking culture is very very different from the US I'm aware.

So you think it’s children with responsible parents that end up getting pissed, smashing glass and setting fire to bandstands? Or could it just be the next step after being allowed to drink at 14 by weak, permissive parents?

Uk- Rural midlands.

Also, all these "I was drinking in fields aged 14" posters.

Do you really think having permissive parents is going to stop this?

What happens when the OP's child wants to get pissed on vodka but knows he can't do it in his own garden?

Do you not think he's going to end up doing it in a field or someone else's garden anyway?

Haven’t read the other posts yet, but why in the world would you think it was appropriate to allow underaged children to drink in your garden? Chances are the children’s parents had no idea where they were or what they were doing.
They are children you are the grownup.

I wouldn't be letting a group of 14 yo drink in my garden.
My DC make their own way home. I wouldn't expect to be worried about them coming home alone drunk if they'd been at a friend's house at that age.

Wowza… what did you get up to as a teenager! 👀

No, I was hoping he might enjoy a few drinks in the village pub when he’s old enough.

Learn that Malibu and a pineapple with make you puke (At 18+!!) and approach alcohol sensibly as it’s not a novelty. no binge drinking.

Also hoping home is a safe space and if he ever does get in a pickle he can call me without judgement and I’ll be there for him and his friends (as my mum was for me).

kids getting wasted in the garden didn’t happen last night. And if it was looking that way I’d have intervened. Our house has bifolds, the garden lights were on. I could literally see them (and the snogging! My god the snogging! 😱) from the kitchen.

I think you’re deluded that him somehow not lying to you makes a difference.

What the difference if he tells you he’s going to drink a bottle of vodka, or doesn’t the outcome is the same?

Or how about you tell him he can drink 2 ciders but he wants more than what?
You think he’s going to not drink them because he won’t lie to you.

He’s not lying to you because you are letting him. Wait until you clash over it.

I think you do the other parents a disservice by letting 14 year olds drink in your garden.

So you're in the UK and supplying minors with alcohol. With or without their parents permission?

And you're worried about buses and ubers

You are a pernicious nuisance for those of us in statutory and public services to have to deal with the fall out of shit like this.

Dont allow 14 year olds to have alcohol on your premises. They cant handle it.