Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

She isn’t bitching, she is asking the question. The party was clearly monitored. Her issue is the potential danger the girls were put in with their parents having no idea when they’d be home or how they’d get there. This is very odd when you have a 14 yo daughter in my experience. You might trust her not to go overboard with alcohol but you can’t trust someone else not to take advantage of her when she has no way home and no fixed time to be home.

I don't think you can talk about irresponsible parents when you allowed a drinking party at your house for 14 year olds! The girls are probably are not old enough to sort themselves to get home and demanding ubers from parents who don't know where they are ! Maybe you should rethink your drinking parties.

Those parents that I know were very clear. the group chat I’ve seen with the kids talking clearly talk about what they are bringing and my DS makes it clear it’s one or 2 drinks.

Those parents that I don’t I cannot say for sure, but these kids rocked up with alcohol and I’m certain they didn’t buy it themselves.

Some were drinking beer zero so not everyone was drinking. But all the girls were.

these get together happen frequently. Most of the high school!

I did talk this through with my own mum when the drinking thing came up as I was unsure. I’m not personally 100% happy about it but am doing my best to give him freedom sensibly.

@Mumsytutu
To be honest the whole garden party, for 14 year olds, where alcohol was part of the package, is odd to me.

I mean technically, and I do this at work, you are supplying a minor with alcohol

Thats what you've done

His 10 year old sister was not here. For good reason. she slept at grandparents.

so, do I not let him go to social events. They all drink. This is not unusual.

difference for me, he’s not lying about it and has a safe means to get home.

Absolutely appalling that you’re allowing 14-year children to drink alcohol at your house.

Of course you’re responsible for them.

No way have the kids told their parents they’re going to a party with alcohol.

I am shocked you are complaining about other parent’s parenting but cannot see how your lax parenting has caused this…

At 14, drinking at social events is unusual.

At 16, although still under age, it is not unusual.

I wasn’t drinking at 14 and I certainly wasn’t facilitating my children drinking at that age. And no they weren’t necking vodka in fields because I knew where they were and I picked them up.

I did my fair share of dropping DD’s friends home after events but I didn’t make a big scene about it. I understand every family has different responsibilities and resources. One of her friends lived in the inner city and they didn’t have a car, another has a complex family environment. It’s nice to keep kids safe but no need to be a gossip about it with the ‘boy mums’.

This! Your arbitrary rules of what is ok and what isn’t are nonsense

And certainly not supplied by an adult

At work we see adults like OP as a pernicious nuisance. Holding parties where young kids congregate and are being supplied with alcohol.

I dont think OP has any comprehension what this looks like

I understand that parenting teenagers is a tricky business but you say you were unsure about the party and not 100% happy. This is absolutely the correct instinct. This is also the point at which you parent effectively by putting your foot down, explaining your reasoning and being prepared to suffer the moaning about what a terribly mean parent you are and ‘ everyone else’s parents let them except you’ etc etc. Teenagers push boundaries, your task is to push back.

Thanks. It was closely monitored. I was in the house the whole time. We have cameras so I could clearly see (and hear!) what was going on. A few of the boys popped in as I know them well. Hubby took the dog for a long walk via the pub (he didn’t drink!) with another boys Dad who lives quite a drive away so he stayed the entire time.
I just wanted to get some perspective of travelling home in Ubers was considered normal and if my shock and the situation of no safe route home is out of touch. Thanks

Are you really shocked that parents who let their 14 year old daughters drink in someone’s garden in an huge group until 10pm aren’t responsible parents?

I work for social services and a parent who was willing to host an event like this would be considered a serious safeguarding risk.

It’s one thing letting one or two of his mates come round and having one low alcohol drink while they watch a film inside. Having 12 kids in the garden having several drinks and doing unstructured “hanging out” is such bad judgement. Especially when you apparently weren’t even monitoring what alcohol they brought, as you said your DS was the one confiscating things.

Having a camera doesn’t mean you’ll see everything that happens, unless you’re watching it every second. And even then, by the time something bad happens it’s too late!

I wouldn’t be having a group of 14 year olds at my house drinking alcohol. You have no idea what they are sneaking in. What if one of them had an accident - you would be responsible!

I would put money on these four girls had not told their parents where they were going on and the drinking.

14 year olds are drinking now? I wasn’t drinking at 14. My parents were all over me for a start, knew where I was at all times so I’d never have had the opportunity. But to be fair I don’t remember others drinking at 14 either.

My eldest daughter is 12. The fact that I might let her go to a party with “a couple of ciders” in less than 2 years is absolutely mind blowing to me. It ain’t happening.

You allowed 12 kids to drink alcohol in your garden and you're shocked some of them ordered an Uber?

Bloody hell, I think your priorities are in a very strange order.

And he 'confiscated their vodka', did he? 🤣

I’m from the UK. Drinking under 18 is legal. Buying alcohol as an under 18 is not legal. They can drink, just not buy it.

I drove DS and friends home in similar circumstances. They are all 17 and 18.
Yes I was out drinking myself age 15, but I could get myself home at all times. We'd have been in serious trouble if a parent had to collect us!
But you've had a good intro to your DC peer groups. Think hard on what you do now, these kids aren't likely to get better behaved or parented.

Parent responsibility to know how there child is getting home. I have DC that age

So you're not in the UK, or you are in the UK but not originally from here?

If the latter, this is somewhat irrelevant

Just to add as well Im not sure I get the angst about Ubers. They're safe.

Ubers are normal here but usually from 15-16 and we are nearer a city so on tap

Agree. It has certainly opened my eyes to work things differently with my daughter. Don’t get me started on the outfits or lack of (I am showing my age here… good god!!)