Page 5 | How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

YellowMellow99 · 2026-08-02T15:07:08+00:00

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼 Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity. She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative. It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us! DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult. I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either. I’m giving all this as a background information. She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event. I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much. I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so. Thank you!

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Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 19:52

Specialneedsnightmare · 02/08/2026 19:39

She is very manipulative and clearly has reason to believe her manipulation tactics work.

You need to be firm and not let yourself be controlled by a child.

Of course she will talk to you again.

You need to show her who is in charge before it's too late and she takes her sense of entitlement out into her other relationships. She won't be a pleasant person if she doesnt learn some important lessons fast.

100% agreed with all points.
We too think this is in her best interest, and it’d be easier to cave in and say yes but that’d just reinforce her behaviour. We don’t want that!

OP posts:

cravingcrispmornings · 02/08/2026 19:53

What is the event though? If you’ve been utterly ridiculous I think she would be right to be moody.

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 19:54

Marycontrarygarden · 02/08/2026 17:44

What was her punishment for shouting and trying to emotionally black mail her parents? Also, she shouldn't have Whatsapp, she's 12, and why does she still have a phone after her recent behavior?

I'll tell you why, because you've spoilt her and you don't discipline her.

She lost her phone for the day for being rude. That’s the consequence for being rude and she knows it.

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Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 19:56

BowlingSunflowers · 02/08/2026 17:45

I think just tell her to her face that this childish behaviour of not unpacking, not looking after her pets and her saying she will ignore you just confirms you were absolutely right in that she is too childish in her behaviour to attend this event. Her own actions have reinforced your original decision on this.

Tell her that this is called a "tall tantrum" toddler like behaviour where they stamp their feet and huff and puff but she is 12 and this is just embarrassing for her.

She is old enough to be told that she is meant to be transitioning into an adult and learning all the skills to be able to potentially leave home at 18 for uni and be able to do all the things you do. That being household chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning and later a full time job paying a wage.

Do not back down on this event but tell her in future if she wants something she has to show she is capable of taking responsibility for things, that she can be trusted, she has to show this, not just promise it, actions are what matter.

That is brilliant advice and I’ll do this! I screenshot your message.
Thank you so much! 🌷

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Notthisagainyouidiot · 02/08/2026 19:57

The pets thing I would leave to one side: tale as old as time - kid begs for pet promises to do all care and attention but doesn't.
The refusing to take no for an answer: I'd disengage from discussion/tantrums/emotional blackmail. Same response every time along the lines of still a no.
As for unpacking: if its not unpacked in a certain time you don't need it.

OneHardyRobin · 02/08/2026 19:58

Laiste · 02/08/2026 16:22

Pig headedness (refusing to engage with family life or help out) would be met with a landslide of seriously fucked off Mother from me.

Shed be stripped of niceties like phone, play stations or similar. I have four daughters. They know not to lock horns with me.

3 of them are adults and they've grown up fine. We're all good. Kids need to push against something and as a parent you need to push back! Don't take any shit.

Edited

This

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 02/08/2026 20:00

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 19:46

I agree with you and we have been giving her consequences for years. We have also explained to her that consequences are not the same as punishment. She has the chance to make the right choice. Yet she still blames us and plays up every time a consequence is enforced. I do tell her that I gave her a fair warning and she had the chance to make the right decision, which is always the case, but she’ll still try to talk her way out of it.

Not in response to your post but just in general I wanted to add that she’s not ‘using the pet care to blackmail us’ but she’s not been looking after the pets for ages. We keep asking her/telling her and she says ‘later’ and doesn’t do it.
She is very stubborn and strong willed but also on the waiting list for ADHD, just saying it as an explanation not an excuse (I’ve ADHD too, was diagnosed last year)

I don’t think she’s being deliberately cruel, she just thinks that DH and I will make sure the pets are okay anyway so it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t do it, but we’d like her to learn to be responsible and she wanted the pets so much but doesn’t do the responsibility. 😣

Re the event, it is adult themed.

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Does she actually spend ANY time with her pets?
Did she like the idea of them, but once she got them, really wasn't interested?

Give her clear, time-sensitive tasks, and a fixed amount of time to show she CAN look after them consistently eg 2 weeks, 4 weeks, whatever you decide is long enough. Failure to do so means they will be rehomed at the end of the period.

You have to give her REAL consequences during that time , for example, if she won't feed them when she's supposed to, then she doesn't get to eat until she has given them food.

Don't discuss the event any more - you and DH have made your decision, and will not be changing your minds.
If she wants to stay in her room, let her. She'll soon get bored.

Lougle · 02/08/2026 20:00

If you've made the decision and you're happy with it, you just need to let the protest wash over you. Say 'I'm not talking about this', then don't.

Anyahyacinth · 02/08/2026 20:06

I'd maintain a very firm NO as a consequence of the appalling emotional blackmail she's attempted.

Further poor behaviour would have age appropriate consequences.

Not caring for her animals is just nasty and uncaring...if yiu cant do that then x that you'd like is too mature for you

BowlingSunflowers · 02/08/2026 20:07

@YellowMellow99 thank you. The result hopefully gets you what you want, her doing her chores, stepping up, better attitude etc.

You just have to hold firm and not back down, especially important for Dh who is now realising that an easy life has now come to bite him on the arse.

As a teen if I had been stripped of all privileges I would absolutely up the stakes and that is exactly what I did, went head to head with my Mum who realised we both lost because of how she parented me and in the end she stopped parenting me because it was just too hard. I was repeatedly grounded which just meant I had nothing to lose and was at home and determined to make myself as much as a pain in the arse as I could so she would let me out the house. I was determined not to do that with my own children.

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:07

donotgettheangst · 02/08/2026 17:48

You will do her and yourself no favours if you give in to her. If you do give in, you will get endless repeats of this behaviour every time she wants something. Because she knows this behaviour works. If you want this to stop, stop giving in to her. You don't need to earn brownie points with her. Stop engaging with this. If she sulks, she sulks.

I agree 100% but she is the one who keeps bringing it up and keeps referring to it, make digs and uses emotional blackmail.

We have told her it’s definite no but she’s not accepting it, I think she’s trying to wear us down but we will follow the advice here, which is consistent with what my friends advised and DH and I are in agreement.

We are due to go on holiday on Tuesday and she just said ‘I’ll see you Tuesday morning, I’ll be in my room and meeting my friend tomorrow morning’ and then stormed out. Not looking forward to the next few days 😳🙄😣

OP posts:

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:09

BowlingSunflowers · 02/08/2026 20:07

@YellowMellow99 thank you. The result hopefully gets you what you want, her doing her chores, stepping up, better attitude etc.

You just have to hold firm and not back down, especially important for Dh who is now realising that an easy life has now come to bite him on the arse.

As a teen if I had been stripped of all privileges I would absolutely up the stakes and that is exactly what I did, went head to head with my Mum who realised we both lost because of how she parented me and in the end she stopped parenting me because it was just too hard. I was repeatedly grounded which just meant I had nothing to lose and was at home and determined to make myself as much as a pain in the arse as I could so she would let me out the house. I was determined not to do that with my own children.

Ouch that sounds harsh!! I’m sorry you had that!
So how did you do it with your own children? And really well done for turning it around! 💓

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hahabahbag · 02/08/2026 20:13

Backing down will make the next occasion where she wants something you aren’t allowing 10x worse but unless you say what it is no one can say whether this was the battle to be fought over. I definitely picked my battles but never altered once mind made up, it worked

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 02/08/2026 20:15

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:07

I agree 100% but she is the one who keeps bringing it up and keeps referring to it, make digs and uses emotional blackmail.

We have told her it’s definite no but she’s not accepting it, I think she’s trying to wear us down but we will follow the advice here, which is consistent with what my friends advised and DH and I are in agreement.

We are due to go on holiday on Tuesday and she just said ‘I’ll see you Tuesday morning, I’ll be in my room and meeting my friend tomorrow morning’ and then stormed out. Not looking forward to the next few days 😳🙄😣

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Sounds great to me! She's not going to be in your face being an argumentative pitb, I'd call that a win.

Except you do need to set up her pet caring duties/time frame.

IronEverything · 02/08/2026 20:15

Your consequences clearly don't work or they aren't severe enough.

Re-home the damn animals that you never should have bought to begin with and show her you mean business and her behaviour needs to change. This also shows that you are changing your own behaviour and you're no longer putting up with her crap.

Anyahyacinth · 02/08/2026 20:16

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:07

I agree 100% but she is the one who keeps bringing it up and keeps referring to it, make digs and uses emotional blackmail.

We have told her it’s definite no but she’s not accepting it, I think she’s trying to wear us down but we will follow the advice here, which is consistent with what my friends advised and DH and I are in agreement.

We are due to go on holiday on Tuesday and she just said ‘I’ll see you Tuesday morning, I’ll be in my room and meeting my friend tomorrow morning’ and then stormed out. Not looking forward to the next few days 😳🙄😣

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Does she need any cooperation from you to meet the friend? Transport? Money?

I'd withdraw both for the rudeness

"I'd don't give extras to people who are rude to me" on repeat

Holiday spending money - tracking downwards for every rude outburst

supercrone · 02/08/2026 20:17

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/08/2026 19:27

But what if she couldn't go because - say, Mum couldn't drive her there? Or the timings coincided with something else? I think the fact her parents have decided it is 'age inappropriate' is a red herring. There could be any one of a hundred reasons why she can't go. She needs to learn that no means no and not stamp about as though being unpleasant is going to change anyone's mind.

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I don't agree at all. The OP says the reason was age appropriateness. Why speculate about a host of other reasons when that's what the OP says?

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:18

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 02/08/2026 20:00

Does she actually spend ANY time with her pets?
Did she like the idea of them, but once she got them, really wasn't interested?

Give her clear, time-sensitive tasks, and a fixed amount of time to show she CAN look after them consistently eg 2 weeks, 4 weeks, whatever you decide is long enough. Failure to do so means they will be rehomed at the end of the period.

You have to give her REAL consequences during that time , for example, if she won't feed them when she's supposed to, then she doesn't get to eat until she has given them food.

Don't discuss the event any more - you and DH have made your decision, and will not be changing your minds.
If she wants to stay in her room, let her. She'll soon get bored.

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Only when she wants to.
She used to spend a lot more time with them but now she’s constantly on her phone and gets angry when we tell her to come off it.
I think you’re right, it’s more like she likes the idea of them and having them but not the responsibility. She cuddles with the dog and the cat but the poor hamster (who is very sociable and absolutely adorable) hasn’t had any time with her for over a month! She only got him in February and was taking him out every day to play with him for about a month, and then she gradually stopped spending time with him.
We rescued a male bunny and he was lonely so she talked us getting him a partner. We rescued a female bunny from the same place and had her neutered, she used to love playing with them but lost interest over time. She does play with them but rarely.

I’ll set up a timeline for her like you suggested. I think the best consequence is losing her phone or TV time - not being allowed to eat would be a great natural consequence but I don’t think that’d bother her too much as she sometimes tries to use the threat of not eating as a form of manipulation.

OP posts:

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:21

supercrone · 02/08/2026 20:17

I don't agree at all. The OP says the reason was age appropriateness. Why speculate about a host of other reasons when that's what the OP says?

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Thank you!

It is age inappropriate but she’d be equally annoyed and upset if I couldn’t drive her there. She just wants her own way.

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Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:24

Anyahyacinth · 02/08/2026 20:16

Does she need any cooperation from you to meet the friend? Transport? Money?

I'd withdraw both for the rudeness

"I'd don't give extras to people who are rude to me" on repeat

Holiday spending money - tracking downwards for every rude outburst

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Unfortunately not, she can just walk to meet her friend.

Good idea re the holiday spending money!

I like the phrase too, I screenshot it and told DH, we will be using it, thank you!

OP posts:

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/08/2026 20:27

supercrone · 02/08/2026 20:17

I don't agree at all. The OP says the reason was age appropriateness. Why speculate about a host of other reasons when that's what the OP says?

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I was pointing out - to everyone else's speculation - that it doesn't matter. People are getting bound up in 'maybe it's NOT age inappropriate, maybe OP is just a fussy mother'. I said that it wouldn't matter WHAT the reason was, if parents say no then the answer is no and it shouldn't really matter to DD whether it's her age, her behaviour or because her parents might have other reasons. No is no.

Hope that helps.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 02/08/2026 20:27

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:18

Only when she wants to.
She used to spend a lot more time with them but now she’s constantly on her phone and gets angry when we tell her to come off it.
I think you’re right, it’s more like she likes the idea of them and having them but not the responsibility. She cuddles with the dog and the cat but the poor hamster (who is very sociable and absolutely adorable) hasn’t had any time with her for over a month! She only got him in February and was taking him out every day to play with him for about a month, and then she gradually stopped spending time with him.
We rescued a male bunny and he was lonely so she talked us getting him a partner. We rescued a female bunny from the same place and had her neutered, she used to love playing with them but lost interest over time. She does play with them but rarely.

I’ll set up a timeline for her like you suggested. I think the best consequence is losing her phone or TV time - not being allowed to eat would be a great natural consequence but I don’t think that’d bother her too much as she sometimes tries to use the threat of not eating as a form of manipulation.

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Oh right, so she's addicted to her phone too.

I'd tackle that as well OP, it's probably behind a lot of the other undesirable behaviour.

Original poster

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:34

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/08/2026 16:11

Tell her that what she's doing it emotional blackmail and it doesn't fly. Tell her actually this is a treat and treats are EARNED, not demanded eith threats (which is what she said by saying she'd be miserable all summer). If she shows she can listen, be an active member of the family and GIVE things like tody up and care for her own Pets, then she can have treats. But otherwise hard no and ask again and the next request is a no, ask again and next request is a no.

Great advice, thank you!!

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adragoncalledaudrey · 02/08/2026 20:35

Marmalade71 · 02/08/2026 17:03

You lost me at blackmailing you by not looking after her pets. That is the absolute red line that cannot be crossed - that she would use living creatures as part of a battle ground with you is beyond horrendous. I’m actually not completely sure what I would do but she’d wish she’d not been born.
It’s honestly good for kids, particularly spoilt little so and sos, to know that there are lines and that their privileged (I don’t mean financially) lives will fall apart very quickly indeed if they cross them.

Do not back down!

This.

Being contrary and argumentative is one thing.

Neglecting pets quite another.

That is a line that just shouldn’t be crossed and she would know it.

Laurmolonlabe · 02/08/2026 20:39

Tell her she is destined to be miserable and upset then.
I would also take her phone off her- she is obviously talking to friends on WhatsApp about this situation.
She is very used to getting her own way so you have to hold the line otherwise you will have no control whatsoever.
Ask her to look after her pets 3 days in a row , when she does nothing start the process of rehoming them.
It's tough, but it would be much easier if you hadn't given in to her so much in the past.

How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

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