How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

[YellowMellow99]

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

Tell her she’s boring you every time she mentions it.

And if she can’t look after her pets they should be rehomed.

It's fine that she doesn't want to do anything or look after her pets, that's no problem, you'll do it. You had misunderstood and thought she was mature and grown up but you were clearly wrong, she's only 5yo. Probably best she goes to bed at 7pm as this is how overtired primary children behave.

Not only is she not going this year but this immature behaviour suggests this shouldn't even be discussed for several years. If she thinks that's unfair then her behaviour needs to improve significantly and then it can be discussed for next summer.

Maybe a warning that she stops behaving like this or she will lose a privilege - perhaps take WhatsApp away for a week? You have suggested other activities, if she can't pick one stay home and get on with the house unpacking. If you're spending time looking after her pets and doing her unpacking you have less time for fun days out or shopping trips.

It doesn't matter in terms of dealing with her behaviour.

If they're overprotective then that is something they absolutely need to work on. However, the current situation is that a child has been spoilt rotten by her father and is now throwing tantrums and neglecting pets. Regardless of whether they need to ease off helicopter parenting or not, this can't be allowed to happen.

And backtracking is just giving in to her unacceptable behaviour.

If it's overprotectiveness, they can apologise, say they made a mistake, and will allow her to do it in the future. But given her behaviour, her refusal to engage in chores, and her refusal to take care of living creatures, they can absolutely not reward it by letting her do it at this moment in time.

Why are you even discussing this with her anymore - No is the answer and will remain the answer. Not looking after other living things because she can’t get her own way is awful. Like PP this is the point where we’d be having a come to Jesus talk is she was my DD. You’re her parent - time to step up and do the parenting.

It doesn’t matter because her parents have said no and her subsequent behaviour is so bad that there’s no way they should change their minds now. She is 12 not 17 so parents decide what’s allowed and what’s not. I’m sure they have good reasons.

Of course the OP might want advice, or to reflect, on whether they could make a different decision next time or find a compromise instead, if it is a case of eldest child spreading their wings, sometimes hard for parents to adjust to. But for this one they've said no. Over and over again.

This event is an excellent opportunity, OP, so don’t let it go to waste. She needs to learn that no sometimes really does mean no, and that no amount of stamping her feet and throwing tantrums changes anything. When the event has been & gone she will have learned a valuable life lesson.

Keep telling her its not happening
She'll accept it when the date to go arrives and you dont take her.
And she'll learn that no means no.

You've already made your decision and you've already explained your reasoning.
She doesnt like it, fair enough, she doesnt have to like it. But it would be a huge mistake to give in to her because she won't stop going on about it.

She also needs a serious consequence for animal negect.

You've got to undo years of teaching her she gets what she wants if she behaves badly enough. Please make a start now. We already have enough people in the world like that, let's not release another one!

I might also be inclined to find a few other opportunities for her to learn this, even if I might otherwise have said yes.

There are a couple of issues. Let's start with refusing to look after her pets.
"Let me get this straight - unless we do what you want, DD, you refuse to feed your hamster/brush the cat/exercise your pony?
"This shows you are far too immature to have care of an animal, never mind go to see Harry Styles (or whatever). You can rethink your behaviour from today or we're rehoming the animals. It's not fair on them to be mistreated because you are sulking."

She's going to be miserable all summer -
"That's something entirely in your control. You can have a good summer or a rotten summer, depending on your attitude. If you want to sulk in your room, feel free. You will not, however, be welcome in the living room with that attitude.
"We will not be held to ransom. The event issue is settled. There isn't any possibility of it happening, and your childish behaviour has proved we were right to say it's not appropriate at this point."

She's got a lot of unlearning to do. Being a brat god results before, so she's every reason to keep on at it.

I agree with PP that losing your shit about it might be effective.

I think it does matter what the event is. Yes, that parents stick to their guns is a useful lesson. But so is that parents are prepared to admit they were wrong and change their minds.

You lost me at blackmailing you by not looking after her pets. That is the absolute red line that cannot be crossed - that she would use living creatures as part of a battle ground with you is beyond horrendous. I’m actually not completely sure what I would do but she’d wish she’d not been born.
It’s honestly good for kids, particularly spoilt little so and sos, to know that there are lines and that their privileged (I don’t mean financially) lives will fall apart very quickly indeed if they cross them.

Do not back down!

Nope. She's practicing vile behaviour and harming animals, no change of mind is needed.

No

and do not give in to emotional blackmail.

You may need to start looking into rehoming the pets...

You can't back down now because it will send the wrong message, although I do wonder what the activity was. Every summer activity I've seen has age ranges advertised so I think there's potential you've been unreasonable to say that she isn't the right age and cause a lot of hassle over nothing.

She is learning a difficult lesson ..... that she can no longer have her own way all the time.
It is a lesson she has come to rather late so her reaction will be commensurately greater.
But .... you must both stay firm. If you cave in now you will have years of this to come.
Above all else there needs to be a united front .... if one of you caves in then all is lost. She will start playing one of you off against the other.

Or the child! 🤭😂😂😂

I always wanted to do my best for my child

Setting boundaries and enforcing them is doing the best for your child.

Changing your mind and letting her do what she wants is bad for your child.

She just needs natural consequences. No arguing, no raised voices. Just explain. "You don't want to look after your pets? That's fine, we will need to rehome them."

Let her have "a miserable summer....."
She's safe and cared for. She may change her mind but, if she doesn't, she'll at least know that her parents aren't pushovers.

I agree that is also an important lesson, but it should be taught with caution. Parents can get it wrong, yes. All for it. Done it. But parents will change their minds if you have a tantrum that lasts for weeks and as part of that, you neglect living creatures is something that should never be taught.

If she isn’t prepared to to look after her pets then you should re-home them. Actions have consequences; and so does inaction.

What have you said to her about why she can't go? Have you said to her that you feel she isn't old enough yet, maybe next year? Are there other children her age going?

Of course her behaviour is completely unacceptable but have you explained your reason to her or just said no.

Tell her the demanding behaviors and emotional manipulation has confirmed to you, she is not yet mature enough for the activity.

Shout over her when required and give her a short, sharp vocal shutdown.

She sounds like a little Madame who needs re-training in what goes in life.

DH and I both agree it’s age inappropriate.
I think whether she disagrees with this or not is not necessarily the point. We said no to it and she keeps going on about it, pestering us, being rude, shouting and using emotional blackmail to get us to agree to it, as per my original post.
I think we all had stuff we asked our parents for that they said no to, and even if we disagreed, we just had to accept it. We did explain our decision to her, listened to her feelings and gave her our time and full attention. The answer is no and she is now threatening to lock herself in her room and be miserable whole summer because we said no to something that’s very important to her. She was equally passionate and pestering about getting a rabbit (after we already had a cat and a dog - cat choose us, dog we all wanted) and then a partner for the rabbit and then getting a hamster. DH and I look after all the pets and they are all loved and cared for but DD doesn’t even feed any of the pets, doesn’t walk the dog or cleans out the cat litter box or the hamster or rabbits. We are not expecting her to do any of it alone and we remind her to feed (‘I’ll do it later’ and then she forget it so DH or I do it) refuses to come walk the dog with us or by herself (we live in a very safe area and she walked the dog less than 15x with us/alone in the last 2 years) we ask her to come help clean the rabbits or hamster out, again, she’s done this a handful of times even though we praise her. She REALLY wanted the pets and they were SUPER important and I already said that if she doesn’t take part in caring for them they’ll be rehomed. Her response was ‘if you do that I’ll never talk my to you again!’
I’m literally at my wits end with all the pets and now super grumpy child too. I feel and am super stupid to have agreed to the hamster as well when she was already not pulling her weight with the other pets! I thought she’d be better with a small pet now that she’s older. Sigh!

God, you're so passive! You are doing her absolutely no favours.