How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

[YellowMellow99]

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

I'm glad you found some of my suggestions useful, good luck with the implementation!

Re the not eating thing - she enjoys using it as a threat, but I'm sure she would be VERY unhappy if you were the one making the decision not to give her dinner! It's all about her trying to control and manipulate you and your DH.

That’s far too many pets for a child to look after.

Yes this key point is missing!

Thank you! What do you mean by ‘getting her to do chores that impact her’?

I would not advocate withholding any food from her as you don’t want eating problems down the line. Absolutely, don’t pander to her re food i.e. making her favourite meals or getting stuff just for her but using food as a bribe or punishment could cause bigger issues.

abs

So which, if any, of the pets do YOU and your dh actually want to keep.

I expect you didn't actually go out and buy your child/ren a puppy / adopt a puppy only because your child/ren wanted one
As we all know what a commitment dogs are.

' the cat chose us ' so are we expected to think YOU and your dh are happy with having a cat ?

Does that bring us to the rabbits and a hamster - well it looks like they were just a ( almost ) teenage girl phase - there are rescues that will take the rabbits and I guess there are rescues for hamsters too.

( lack of ) actions have consequences...

A 12 year old is definitely old enough to look after an animal consistently. In our family that was the age we got our own dogs (as opposed to family dogs). Walked every night after school, whatever the weather and in the dark, two long walks on weekends, fed, groomed and trained. Adults are back up but that is in case of illness or child away on school trip, for example, not child having a strop.

I too would be saying she has shown herself not to be fit to look after her animals, is taking her anger out on defenceless creatures and they will be rehomed if she doesn't step up.

Having read all your updates I think you’re expecting far too much from a 10 year with ADHD or any 10 year old to be honest. It sounds like she can’t regulate her phone use and needs you to do it for her. She has far too many pets but she is a child so that’s on you. You complain that she doesn’t look after the pets but it sounds like you haven’t helped her create and stick to a schedule.

Firstly - the phone is withheld. Minutes on it can be earned when she is

1. respectful over a period of days
2. looks after her pets

That is your starting point IMO.

The activity isn't even a discussion anymore. The more I discussed my decisions with my children, the worse it got. Almost like they then felt I was debating it with them!!

You have told her - END OF.

I'd be livid if she refused to care for her pets. I'd be telling her care for them or I'll give them away. I'd also tell her for abusing her pets she's not having any treats. If you don't stamp this out now she'll get worse as she goes through teens.

Your dd is testing boundaries and although that's a pain, its perfectly normal. Just because she says she'll refuse to engage for the summer/will never speak to you again doesn't mean she means it (or rather, Im sure she means it in the moment but its just hot air).

The wanting then getting bored of pets is utterly, utterly normal, especially at this age which is why adults never buy a pet for their children that they are not prepared to look after themselves. Thinking that you totally want something/will be committed to it then discovering you're not is also a very typical child behaviour, so no use holding that against her.
Chores are an excellent idea but, if you suspect ADHD , she may need more consistency and scaffolding than the average child.

When they threaten like this, eg not to talk to you, I just used to say, “I’m sorry about that, but ok then. That’s your choice “.

They don’t tend to stick to these threats.

Hi, yes, of course, we explained it thoroughly and multiple times, and no, I don’t know anyone her age who is going! Definitely none of her friends are going that I know of. I know all her friends and friends’ mums from primary school but not all of them from secondary school.

100% agree! Thank you

I'd honestly double down and tell her enough is enough. Tell her that every time she nags about this matter, she'll lose a privilege.

Also, get her started on helping out around the house. She's not a baby, she's perfectly capable of pitching in and learning about having responsibilities. You're absolutely not doing her any favours by allowing her to do nothing and giving in to her manipulation tactics. Please tackle her bad behaviours before it becomes too late.

Sometimes, you just have to lay down the rules without explaining why. She needs to learn that she's the child and you're the parents, and you're the ones who make the final decisions in the house. A 12 year old isn't going to understand your explanations, so you don't have to do it every time you say no to something or ask her to do something. "Because I say so, end of" is good enough in these situations. It leaves her no room to try debunk your explanations or negotiate with you.

She is 12, not 10.

My only worry is you being so headstrong and determined to win this one, is reinforcing her behaviour to be equally headstrong and determined. If you’re set on this ‘teaching’ her something, I’d focus on listening to her point of view, explaining your reasons - they do matter, ‘because I said so’ isn’t a place you want to reach. Thinking if there’s any room for compromise, compassion, fairness etc
It can still be a ‘no’ but if you’re making it a learning curve, make it helpful for you for the next disagreement.

I actually really want to know what the activity is - because I think you might be avoiding it because a bit of you deep down worries you’re being unreasonable.

OP, you’ve still not said what the event actually is.

With the pets, if it's her job to feed them, could you say you haven't fed them (when you have)? I.e. one morning say, poor Hammy must be really hungry today because he wasn't fed yesterday and see if she is upset. That will let you know if she cares a bit or is a total psychopath.

In which reply from the Op @YellowMellow99 did her daughter lose 2.5 years off her age and become autistic ?

' 'Itshotinherebutainttakingoffmyclothes · Today 20:53
Having read all your updates I think you’re expecting far too much from a 10 year with ADHD or any 10 year old to be honest. It sounds like she can’t regulate her phone use and needs you to do it for her. '

I love that you're scolding a pp for misreading, while also misreading their post. They said ADHD not autism. And OP did in fact say they suspect ADHD.

I suspect the same.

Yes, we always wanted a dog.
The cat used to be our old neighbour’s and moved in with us. He was our first pet and DD was 3 at the time, she adored the cat. The dog followed 3.5 years later.
I had a rabbit before and we agreed to have one but the cat was scared of the rabbit (weird I know especially that he’s a mini lop mix so quite small) so we had to put the bunny outside in a rabbit hutch and he was lonely, hence the partner.
She had hamsters before and we agreed to a new one to encourage her stop sucking her thumb (she had to refrain from sucking her thumb for a month before she got the hamster).

She’s 12.5 years old and we expect her to help out a bit (she doesn’t) and feed the rabbits, hamster and cat (she doesn’t do any of it, all of it would take 10-15 mins / day max) and help for 15-20 mins/week with cleaning out the hamster and the bunnies with DH/me.
Considering that she watches at least 2 hours of TV every day, I don’t think asking her to help look after her pets taking 2 hours/week is too much or unreasonable?