How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

[YellowMellow99]

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

Have explained it why and it’s not suitable for children, even if some parents might take their children.

Yep. Shit-losing time has arrived.

A cat, a dog, 2 bunnies and a hamster. DH and I take care of them all. DD does less than 5%.

What was her punishment for shouting and trying to emotionally black mail her parents? Also, she shouldn't have Whatsapp, she's 12, and why does she still have a phone after her recent behavior?

I'll tell you why, because you've spoilt her and you don't discipline her.

Oh for Godsake.

Keep saying No. You will do her absolutely no favours if you give in. You've said No, stick to it.
‘I’ll do it later’ and then she forget it so DH or I do it - Dont do this. When she says "Ill do it later" - you need to say "Now please" and insist that happens. Go and sit on her bed if necessary! Or cancel all meals until she does. Whatever works.
Be firm and stick to it.
Have a family meeting, discuss the issues. Draw up a rota with assigned tasks - homework, chores etc. Stick it on the fridge and then stick to it.

I think just tell her to her face that this childish behaviour of not unpacking, not looking after her pets and her saying she will ignore you just confirms you were absolutely right in that she is too childish in her behaviour to attend this event. Her own actions have reinforced your original decision on this.

Tell her that this is called a "tall tantrum" toddler like behaviour where they stamp their feet and huff and puff but she is 12 and this is just embarrassing for her.

She is old enough to be told that she is meant to be transitioning into an adult and learning all the skills to be able to potentially leave home at 18 for uni and be able to do all the things you do. That being household chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning and later a full time job paying a wage.

Do not back down on this event but tell her in future if she wants something she has to show she is capable of taking responsibility for things, that she can be trusted, she has to show this, not just promise it, actions are what matter.

You will do her and yourself no favours if you give in to her. If you do give in, you will get endless repeats of this behaviour every time she wants something. Because she knows this behaviour works. If you want this to stop, stop giving in to her. You don't need to earn brownie points with her. Stop engaging with this. If she sulks, she sulks.

She's twelve, so no.

Totally irrelevant.

Her parents have said no and it doesn’t matter what the activity is. The question is about her behaviour, (awful) and how they manage it, (be consistent.

She sounds very spoilt, and I’m afraid it sounds like that’s because you’ve spoiled her. There’s more than a little Verruca Salt to your description to her.

Stay firm. Let her have a miserable summer (she won’t), let her stay in her room, let her not talk to you (blessed relief probably). Stop being scared of her fgs. She gets nothing unless she picks up after herself and pulls her age-appropriate weight: cleaning up her own mess, taking dog for a walk once a day, taking out recycling, emptying dishwasher.

You’re going to have to continue with the pets but make it clear you’re doing it for them and not her, that you’re disappointed in her and that you won’t be trusting her again for a while when she’s says she promises to do xyz.

Im afraid you created this “monster” so you’re going to have to uncreate her.

My DD(13) had times previously like this. Once I stuck to it properly it massively improved. If she raises it again simply say you're not discussing it, as she only wants you to to try and pick holes in it. The answer is no, explanation give. Next time. Simply say I've told you I'm not discussing it. And walk off, be busy. Ignore ignore ignore.
If she threatens to sit in her room forever, let her. Just do your thing.
if she starts screaming and tantruming then one warning and a consequence follows.
I really had to change my parenting just under a year ago and for those saying shouting worked it simply didn't in my house. DD was happy to shout louder and louder until we were at an impasse. I changed my style completely and now go ice queen calm. It took her a couple of months to adjust as she wanted me to lose it and backtrack, but now she just knows it's done.
As I explained to DD I'm not your best friend, I'm your mum and there will be times you disagree and that's ok.

So the bunnies and the hamster go back to Pets At Home, where you pay the surrender fee and hope they get adopted.

She can lock herself in her room if she wants. You call her for meals at the table when they're ready and she joins you or she doesn't. "Not speaking to you" is something you can just ignore, as with other inappropriate behaviour. The person she's really hurting is herself, as long as you don't engage

I'd be switching the WiFi off, though.

I think you and DH have created a rod for your own backs. To stop this nonsense now:

No is a complete sentence. Do not explain any further ever from now on. It is always you and DH's decision.
Pets: She has to do half of the care at least otherwise each neglected pet gets rehomed. You and DH decide which ones and what order.
Leave her stuff in her room. Do not go in unless it really stinks or health hazard.
She is 12 and old enough to use the washing machine and iron for her clothes. So only do towels and bedding.

I know this seems tough but she needs boundaries and to be ready to look after herself. It is hard in the real world and you have both been too soft.

And what are the consequences for her of failing to do anything with them?

If she refuses to walk the dog, she is grounded for 24hrs, just like the dog has been because of her.

If she refuses to feed them all, she has no food treats at all beyond basic meals for the next 24hrs.

If she fails to provide basic care for them all, they go to a new home where the kids actually give a shit about them.

Personally, I'd have her phone off her, a d remove any TV from the bedroom at least until she goes back to school as well.

The problem is in the past she has learnt that no from her parents doesn’t mean no. You just need to keep saying no and mean it. Every time she raising just repeat the same phrase ‘We said no and won’t be changing our mind or discussing it. The event will pass and she will start to realise that you mean what you say.

You need natural consequences.

If her room remains unpacked then that impacted her. Just leave her to it.

As for the pets, decide on the minimum amount you need to her do and tell her if she doesn’t do it then the pets will need to be rehome to someone who can look after them.

Natural consequences apply to everyone. You and your DH didn’t mean no in the past so your natural consequences are you’re going to have her whinging at you about the event until she figures out that you’re going to give her consistent boundaries.

You've said no and explained your decision. The discussion is over. Ignore the stroppiness and just barrel on with your day cheerfully. If she refuses meals, tell her she can make herself a sandwich later then. If she continues to be rude and shout, remove her tv/games console/phone/laptop or whatever. If she doesn't look after her pets, tell her they will be rehomed. If she says she's going to lock herself in her room and be miserable, you say 'Oh dear, you're going to have a very boring summer then' You have taken on this battle so you have to stick it out now. Don't show her that it's getting you down. Don't cajole, persuade, plead or try and talk her round - be calm, cheerful and busy. She will have to learn the hard way that the only person she is making miserable is herself.

Oh she sounds just like my neice, who , if I'm being honest I don't actually like at the minute!!! ..... my DB has given her everything she ever asked for, and more, and she's now got exactly the same attitude as your DD!!
I think the only thing you can do is stick to your guns and ride this one out. Good luck!!!

You don’t need to ‘help her through’ you saying no to an activity. Just say no. If she asks again, tell her you’ve already answered that question, and not to ask again. If she keeps asking, tell her there will be consequences ( phone taken away for the day or whatever). If she asks again, carry out the consequences.
Thats parenting.

Then rehome the bunnies and hamster. If she says she won't talk to you? Oh well, she won't be able to keep it up forever.

You need to be less passive.

This girl is going to be one horrendous adult!

Refuse to talk about it any more. "I've told you why, I'm not telling you any more". Rinse and repeat

I assume by age inappropriate, it means something suitable for older children/teens.

If this is the case, tell her in no uncertain terms that neglecting her responsibilities and behaving in a childish way by not doing her chores or talking to you is absolutely demonstrating why she is too immature to do said activity.

Privileges of age are earned through respectful, mature behaviour and she is not able to show that yet.

Im afraid your DD is a spoilt, manipulative brat because you have given into her repeatedly. It's not too late for things to change but if you continue to spoil her, she will be an awful adult. Stick to your guns and don't let her divide you. Ignore her protests, you have made your decision. If she refuses to help with the pets, start to rehome them. You can't be a slave to a 12 year old

She does regardless of her age if the parents are wrong.