How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

[YellowMellow99]

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

No help with the pets = no tv/phone

holiday money, she earns it per box unpacked, per dishwasher load loaded/unloaded - fines for rudeness

be very clear. No tolerance for rudeness and no blackmail- she can be as pissed off as she likes but she has no right to be rude.

tell her that ultimately you and her dad know you’re making the right decision and she’s clearly not mature enough to handle the responsibility of attending said event as she is behaving like a toddler.

tell her when she shows some maturity, you’ll treat her accordingly. And if she wants to be miserable, fucking let her. That’s worse for her than it is for you.

PS: when she’s sulking, make sure to be extra chirpy and happy between you and H, show her she’s not that powerful as to ruin your day.

what a total brat. I’d be so ashamed if she were mine.

@mathanxiety bloody awesome post! Brava! Bang on!

Agree to eh pet point, you don't just get to drop your responsibilities in life. The pet thing is no joke, I'd say we will re-home them if you don't wish to take care of them or only take care of them when you feel like it. Imagine if you did that as a parent. This must be really tricky but it's not too late, stick with it and BE CONSISTENT XX

Ps. She doesn't have to accept your decision, she's very young, she's a child it's not a negotiation.

Manipulative behaviour and lack of care for the pets would get someone grounded and severely restricted ( no phones, no events and no going to friends) and sessions with a therapist to work out the issues before they were relaxed.