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Original poster

How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

363 replies

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 16:07

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

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WildLeader · 08/08/2026 19:15

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 22:05

She’s 12.5 years old and we expect her to help out a bit (she doesn’t) and feed the rabbits, hamster and cat (she doesn’t do any of it, all of it would take 10-15 mins / day max) and help for 15-20 mins/week with cleaning out the hamster and the bunnies with DH/me.
Considering that she watches at least 2 hours of TV every day, I don’t think asking her to help look after her pets taking 2 hours/week is too much or unreasonable?

Show quote history

No help with the pets = no tv/phone

holiday money, she earns it per box unpacked, per dishwasher load loaded/unloaded - fines for rudeness

be very clear. No tolerance for rudeness and no blackmail- she can be as pissed off as she likes but she has no right to be rude.

tell her that ultimately you and her dad know you’re making the right decision and she’s clearly not mature enough to handle the responsibility of attending said event as she is behaving like a toddler.

tell her when she shows some maturity, you’ll treat her accordingly. And if she wants to be miserable, fucking let her. That’s worse for her than it is for you.

PS: when she’s sulking, make sure to be extra chirpy and happy between you and H, show her she’s not that powerful as to ruin your day.

what a total brat. I’d be so ashamed if she were mine.

WildLeader · 08/08/2026 19:17

@mathanxiety bloody awesome post! Brava! Bang on!

Delilah632261 · 08/08/2026 19:19

GreenFootstool · 02/08/2026 16:21

All of the above but if she continues to neglect her pets, they need to go to a better home where consistency will be provided by their owner.

She is relying on you all to do everything to suit her. That is a form of blackmail and emotional abuse, and taking it out on defenceless animals is absolutely unacceptable.

You need to set consequences for this behaviour and damn well stick to it

Agree to eh pet point, you don't just get to drop your responsibilities in life. The pet thing is no joke, I'd say we will re-home them if you don't wish to take care of them or only take care of them when you feel like it. Imagine if you did that as a parent. This must be really tricky but it's not too late, stick with it and BE CONSISTENT XX

Ps. She doesn't have to accept your decision, she's very young, she's a child it's not a negotiation.

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Pherian · 08/08/2026 20:22

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 16:07

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

Manipulative behaviour and lack of care for the pets would get someone grounded and severely restricted ( no phones, no events and no going to friends) and sessions with a therapist to work out the issues before they were relaxed.

sarahsunshine1 · 09/08/2026 06:50

She needs to learn that no means no. And not feeding her pets, cleaning up etc. should have consequences for her (which you need to consider here) rather than the reward of you giving in.

Minglingpringle · 09/08/2026 09:43

The answer is: you calmly hold your line. You rise above her retaliations. You accept that it is an uncomfortable process.

It IS an uncomfortable process. I had good parents but nevertheless I found dealing with my wilful daughter extremely hard.

One important thing to note: children generally are actually pretty good at obeying rules which they know to be non-negotiable (eg road safety). The problems arise in the grey areas - where you’re not sure yourself what the right approach is, or where two parents have different opinions. So you need to firm those up in your mind and you and your soft husband need to have a long talk and get totally on the same page. Then it will be easier to hold the line and she may well stop attempting to breach it.

To me, consequences are not as important as making it very clear what is expected of her. If she’s not clear what is expected, she’s being set up to fail, apart from anything else. But don’t reward her for bad behaviour.

Also, Chat GPT sounds like TERRIBLE support for mental health. Get rid.

woollybunny · 09/08/2026 09:48

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 17:43

A cat, a dog, 2 bunnies and a hamster. DH and I take care of them all. DD does less than 5%.

Show quote history

Does she want her pets to not have clean water and food? Is she interacting with them otherwise?

It seems a bad lesson that you can neglect your pets, without natural consequences.

woollybunny · 09/08/2026 09:58

YellowMellow99 · 02/08/2026 20:18

Only when she wants to.
She used to spend a lot more time with them but now she’s constantly on her phone and gets angry when we tell her to come off it.
I think you’re right, it’s more like she likes the idea of them and having them but not the responsibility. She cuddles with the dog and the cat but the poor hamster (who is very sociable and absolutely adorable) hasn’t had any time with her for over a month! She only got him in February and was taking him out every day to play with him for about a month, and then she gradually stopped spending time with him.
We rescued a male bunny and he was lonely so she talked us getting him a partner. We rescued a female bunny from the same place and had her neutered, she used to love playing with them but lost interest over time. She does play with them but rarely.

I’ll set up a timeline for her like you suggested. I think the best consequence is losing her phone or TV time - not being allowed to eat would be a great natural consequence but I don’t think that’d bother her too much as she sometimes tries to use the threat of not eating as a form of manipulation.

Show quote history

Is it you or your daughter who is getting all these animals? They are your rescues and she supported the idea at the time, but doesn't feel responsible for them? Maybe she does not think they are her animals? In hindsight, a pet is a responsibility and expectations should be clearer and responsibility proven before bringing home another animal.

Oldwmn · 09/08/2026 12:47

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/08/2026 16:11

Tell her that what she's doing it emotional blackmail and it doesn't fly. Tell her actually this is a treat and treats are EARNED, not demanded eith threats (which is what she said by saying she'd be miserable all summer). If she shows she can listen, be an active member of the family and GIVE things like tody up and care for her own Pets, then she can have treats. But otherwise hard no and ask again and the next request is a no, ask again and next request is a no.

💯 absolutely! It's a a very hard slog but you've said No to this & given your reasons; she's got to lump it & understand that you mean what you say. Be prepared for a rocky few weeks. Be prepared to rehome the pets if she won't take care of them. She will come to realise that you mean what you say.

Oldwmn · 09/08/2026 12:48

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/08/2026 16:11

Tell her that what she's doing it emotional blackmail and it doesn't fly. Tell her actually this is a treat and treats are EARNED, not demanded eith threats (which is what she said by saying she'd be miserable all summer). If she shows she can listen, be an active member of the family and GIVE things like tody up and care for her own Pets, then she can have treats. But otherwise hard no and ask again and the next request is a no, ask again and next request is a no.

💯 absolutely! It's a a very hard slog but you've said No to this & given your reasons; she's got to lump it & understand that you mean what you say. Be prepared for a rocky few weeks. Be prepared to rehome the pets if she won't take care of them. She will come to realise that you mean what you say.

NDFB · 09/08/2026 19:58

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/08/2026 16:12

What’s the activity?

What in God's name does it matter??? Focus!

NewGirlInTown · 10/08/2026 11:41

WildLeader · 08/08/2026 19:15

No help with the pets = no tv/phone

holiday money, she earns it per box unpacked, per dishwasher load loaded/unloaded - fines for rudeness

be very clear. No tolerance for rudeness and no blackmail- she can be as pissed off as she likes but she has no right to be rude.

tell her that ultimately you and her dad know you’re making the right decision and she’s clearly not mature enough to handle the responsibility of attending said event as she is behaving like a toddler.

tell her when she shows some maturity, you’ll treat her accordingly. And if she wants to be miserable, fucking let her. That’s worse for her than it is for you.

PS: when she’s sulking, make sure to be extra chirpy and happy between you and H, show her she’s not that powerful as to ruin your day.

what a total brat. I’d be so ashamed if she were mine.

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely 💯 % spot on.
She sounds awful and I would have zero tolerance for this conduct.
She should be ashamed of neglecting the animals.

MzHz · 10/08/2026 13:57

Remember @YellowMellow99 you’re her parent not a friend.

tell her this.

id also mention that actually even friends don’t treat each other the way she treats you. And until she grows up and stops treating you like this, she’s not going to get her way at all.

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