Should my six-year-old wear an underlayer with her school uniform?

[ThisGreenPombear]

Firstly, mum is not in the picture so I am really finding my feet with a lot being a single Dad to my 6 year old girl. She is unfortunately very overweight (please don't judge as you don't know what we have been through) and whilst she has not hit puberty or has any actual breasts, due to her excess weight she does have the illusion of some and today the teacher came out and very discreetly suggested that she wears a t-shirt or something under her uniform without going into details.

I am really torn as to what I am meant to do, as it feels very young to introduce the idea of a bra to her, but I am not sure if she actually needs to in some way cover them ie. when changing for PE at school. I also don't want to send her in wearing a t-shirt under her school uniform as again it feels like introducing her to something that she is too young for, plus the UK is currently having a heatwave and the less layers the better. I also worry she could interpret this as me telling her she has to hide away her body due to her weight. Could anyone advise on what is best to do, is it fine to leave her without anything until she actually hits puberty? She hasn't said anything to me about it although we do discuss her body and why/how hers is different to her classmates with being bigger and why that's fine. Additionally I do know that all the children (boys and girls) get changed in a shared classroom at this age at the school but I think my daughter is often taken to one side as she needs help with trousers/skirts and shoes etc.

Just wanted to say that you sound an incredible Dad who loves and is doing the best for his daughter. Single dad/daughters have it tough. But you are talking, helping, explaining things to her so you are doing fab. Ignore all the nasty comments. Good luck

Good job, dad. Yes, vest or crop top + cycling shorts under uniform. Helps keep privacy in tact while changing for PE. You’ve done the right thing by reaching out and asking. It shows your care for your daughter.

A few tips for keeping her a healthy weight:

• Sugar free, non-processed breakfast cereal only: so basically either Weetabix or Bran flakes & raisins every day. Good for fibre levels too.
• For exercise, go on long walks together at the weekend. Free and fun.
• Only fruit as snacks between meals
• Walk to school if you can
• Don’t buy in sweets, cakes, biscuits or crisps. She should still have them as a treat e.g. from a cafe or corner shop on a day out, but don’t keep a stock of them in the house.
• Danny Go on YouTube for some jumping-around fun in the house

I know but the OP doesn’t have to agree with the teacher.

My DD2 always wore PE shorts under her school dress. DD1 didn’t. I was quite happy to go along with DD2 wearing shorts but I wouldn’t want to make a young girl feel like she should constantly have to consider her modesty. Knickers are enough at age 6.

On the practical issue of finding a bike many towns now have bike kitchens or similar who take donations and donate refurbished bikes. You might be able to find one there. Good luck, you sound like you’ve both been through a very tough time.

OP, I was wondering earlier whether you might be eligible to apply for a grant to help with a few extras via a supported application to Family Action.

https://family-action.org.uk/services/welfare-grants-programme/

Fair enough, my dd1 is always upside down when she can be so her knickers would be pretty much permanently on display! We encouraged her to wear shorts but never forced her

As others have said at 6 she just needs a vest. Get a pack in any supermarket or order online. They're very cheap.

Ignore people like that, I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job being a single dad. Can I make a couple of suggestions, ask your GP if she can be referred to a dietitian if not already done so. You acknowledge that she need to loose some weight and a paediatric dietitian will help you and her in a fun way to make healthy choices. I’ve not read all the comments but I’m sure there are some saying you need to be cruel to be kind which you absolutely don’t.

with regard to under layers, is there a school nurse attached to the school who could support you with working with school around clothing as you rightly do t what her to feel different from her friends.

Finally carry on be the amazing dad that you sound like you are!

My mum was told off by a GP when I was 4 because I was morbidly obese. (I've seen the photographs.)

Mum had been very unwell after a couple of miscarriages and had been giving me too many sweets to cope with me, and Dad was prone to overfeeding me as a result of his own wartime trauma.

I recall 'being on a diet', but it really just meant cutting out sweets and cakes until natural growth sorted out the problem. The fact that I had had flat feet and (I now realise) patella alta meant that I was prone to falling, so frightened of some activities - orthotics have been a game changer.

Just so say that healthy eating plus natural growth will probably sort out this little girl's weight.

@ThisGreenPombear You sound like you're doing a fab job! Remember that none of us are perfect and all of us ask questions. In the end, we are all figuring the best ways for our families (well, I think so anyway!) and trying our best. As a child, one of my friends was brought up by her dad. He was friends with my parents so would ask their thoughts on things. I still ask questions - and will keep asking!

Clothes buying is often tricky (and costly!). I'm lucky enough to be in FT employment but -like many - have to watch the pennies. I saved up to buy new uniform for my kids when they started primary/secondary but then would look at the uniform shops at school (where they sell the second hand school logo stuff) :) Most of our clothes (aside from underwear) are from charity shops and Ebay: saves money, good for the environment and you can get some fab bargains. Also, lots of my friends and me will pass clothes on amongst ourselves for us/our DC. That's helped us a lot.

Bikes: as you know, plenty on freecycle, FB marketplace and so on. My DD refused to learn to cycle. I tried for years...then during lockdown (I sent my DC to my brother as I'm a ward nurse) she clocked her (slightly younger) cousin cycling, and then learned in the space of about 30minutes!

Leisure/sports stuff for us are the mostly cheaper things to do: cycling, running and so on. We do exercise videos at home, and couch to 5k. Days out will involve picnics. Holidays are camping trips. My DD won't eat sandwiches/much in the way of cold stuff, so a Thermos food flask with a hot soup or curry suits her (she does this for school packed lunch too) :)

Hi @ThisGreenPombear I’m sorry you are copping it on this forum. You two sound like you’ve been through a hell of a lot and you’re lucky to have such a loving relationship. I am going to suggest you talk to her school counsellor and your GP for age-appropriate health advice. You may be referred to play-based therapy to help her process the situation with her mother and potentially dieticians, etc. I don’t know if there is a possibility of financial help too, but it’s worth investigating.
Regardless, you sound like a loving and considerate father and I am proud of you for making sure your kid is safe.

You sound like a lovely dad. My six year old granddaughter loves banana wraps, also fab lollies and i always try to have lots of fruit ( grapes, blueberries, strawberries ) and i make up a little pot which i offer without asking for pudding, followed by a choice if lolly or a mini bag of iced party rings orsimilar for after the fruit..a lowcalorie treat. I bulk buy fruit in a market as supermarket soft fruit can be expensive. Important imo to reduce her calories without making her self conscious. We have a smallish indoor trampoline for indoor and outdoor. Very popular exercise to Daemon Hunters Golden etc. i hope you dont mind a few granny ideas.

What area are you in? There are usually charities that can help with school uniform, if you are in or near Southend, Packed With Smiles can help. Our school have a second hand uniform sale rack by the reception, might be worth checking with the school if they resell second hand uniform. Active Essex run low cost sports activities for children over the summer https://www.activeessex.org/children-young-people/essex-activate/ if you google active and then your county then the local active website will come up, or low cost kids holiday club and your county, and do the same for your area as you may get more options. Active Chelmsford offer up to £500 means tested grant for childrens sporting activities. There will be something in your area that will hopefully help.

You sound like a really lovely, loving, caring dad, how lucky your daughter is to have you

Are 6 year old boys wearing cropped vests?

This. M&S do good bralettes (they are stretchy and soft and the only ones mine will wear). Wash all whites separately though as they take on colour very easily!

Ditto cycling shorts under dresses. Don't get long knickers as they can ride up the leg and make 'chub rub' worse. Again M&S do cycling shorts as part of their school uniform range.

As they are worn UNDER school shirts I guess you'd have to ask them.

Lots of girls my daughters’ ages (9 and 7) wear crop tops. Another vote for crop tops. Or just a plain cotton vest maybe?

I was an obese child. You’ve already had some great recommendations and looks as though you are addressing what you can.

id also love to help - i know how tough single parenting can be.

also agree with suggestions of cycling shorts under dress - chub rub used to cause me so much pain back then.

I can’t see the post that was left, but I am sorry they’ve been a dick to you.

Crop tops are absolutely the way to go, they’re the precursor to bras and are absolutely normal for young girls.

im sure you’re doing a great job with her, under what are probably really difficult circumstances. The best thing you can do is just keep being there for her and supporting her.

I would say it is important to tackle the weight issue, but I’m sure you know that and plan to. But it doesn’t have to be a huge deal, just go for walks, ride a bike or a scooter, kids can lose weight really easily as they grow so fast. I think the best thing you can do for her is just not make it an issue, just establish healthy behaviours.

sending well wishes.

Well said and I agree with everyone’s suggestion of crop tops. I was an obese child but I grew out of it in my teens after getting into sport and someone keeping an eye on my eating.

If only the child knows they are wearing it why are so many on this thread adamant that they are The Thing for 6 year old girls?

Lots of girls that age wear this kind of thing, and it is what I'd have suggested too.

But don't introduce it during this heat wave or it will feel like some kind of punishment!

Tell the teacher you have ordered some and she will wear them when they arrive/the weather cools, whichever comes first.

I think you have thought really sensitively about all the relevant issues btw,

Hi OP.

I was an overweight child and my parents didnt give AF and still struggling now so its nice to see you doing your best for your daughter.
id suggest getting her some high quality cotton vests - size up for her. Anything with a band will only chafe, cause rashes and hurt her.
You could also try a medicated body powder (without talc) to put under any particularly sweaty areas to keep her dry and rash free (if she gets them)

also, everyone interfering, we dont know the circumstances and we dont need to. OP didnt ask for advice on his daughters weight.

Please take no notice of the MN bitches, you're doing your best and well done for reaching out for advice. My 6 year old granddaughter wears shorts under her skirt and would wear a little crop top if needed. Please feel free to dm and me and my daughter will do the best we can to answer any questions you may have. Not all women hate men, it just seems so on here x

It sounds as though you’re making some really positive changes.

If you’re after a bike, is there a local charity that sells them? We have one that takes donated bikes and gives them an overhaul. They teach young people to be bike mechanics so the bikes are always secondhand but reliable.