Should my six-year-old wear an underlayer with her school uniform?

[ThisGreenPombear]

Firstly, mum is not in the picture so I am really finding my feet with a lot being a single Dad to my 6 year old girl. She is unfortunately very overweight (please don't judge as you don't know what we have been through) and whilst she has not hit puberty or has any actual breasts, due to her excess weight she does have the illusion of some and today the teacher came out and very discreetly suggested that she wears a t-shirt or something under her uniform without going into details.

I am really torn as to what I am meant to do, as it feels very young to introduce the idea of a bra to her, but I am not sure if she actually needs to in some way cover them ie. when changing for PE at school. I also don't want to send her in wearing a t-shirt under her school uniform as again it feels like introducing her to something that she is too young for, plus the UK is currently having a heatwave and the less layers the better. I also worry she could interpret this as me telling her she has to hide away her body due to her weight. Could anyone advise on what is best to do, is it fine to leave her without anything until she actually hits puberty? She hasn't said anything to me about it although we do discuss her body and why/how hers is different to her classmates with being bigger and why that's fine. Additionally I do know that all the children (boys and girls) get changed in a shared classroom at this age at the school but I think my daughter is often taken to one side as she needs help with trousers/skirts and shoes etc.

What do you think people should be saying on a post about vests?

Crop top. I often re-name things. Put on your shortie vest, get your mini tee etc… Or you can just call it a crop top. They’ll be wearing soon, all of the girls. It’s fine for her to start now.

The crop top would be perfect. Well Done 🙌 great dad

Is this suitable, OP?

https://www.cambridgebaby.co.uk/catalog/child/underwear/vests/childrens-sleeveless-vest-in-100-mulberry-silk

I was a skinny kid if that’s at all relevant and always wore a vest. Sounds like the crop top suggestions are the up to date equivalent OP.

Best of luck to you both going forward.

Just make sure the underwear you get her is the right size and style. I think that it's a bit much to wear a t-shirt under a school shirt in the summer but a cami vest or crop top is normal to wear underneath and sturdy pants that fit properly if she wears a skirt for school too

https://www.primark.com/en-gb/p/15-15yrs-5pk-cami-tops-white-991160559001

https://www.primark.com/en-gb/p/6pk-seamless-heart-waistband-boxer-briefs-multi-991104722935

I’m swimming against the tide here. But providing her school shirt is decent quality and fits well, there should be no need for her to be made to feel both hot and “different” by wearing an additional layer, to the other children. If she already has problems with dressing herself, this is the exact opposite of “helpful”. She’s 6 years old, not 16!
You’re doing a great job

MN at its finest

Agree crop tops would be perfect for her in these circumstances. I remember getting changed as a mixed class when I was at school and both the boys and girls wore vests/pants so it's not really much different from that. I would recommend something with more substantial straps so more like a vest than a bra top in a stretchy cotton would be more comfortable and age appropriate.

Ones my DD has are: 2 Pack Cotton with Stretch Crop Tops (7-16 Yrs) | M&S and Buy White Scoop Crop Tops 3 Pack (5-16yrs) from the Next UK online shop. That come in different colours that maybe she could help choose which ones she likes. Also I second the m & s stretchy school trousers (well maybe in the autumn not in this heat!) super comfortable and pull on: GIRLS' REGULAR LEG JERSEY SCHOOL TROUSERS (2-16 YRS) | M&S

And I know you are nowhere near puberty stage yet but I can really recommend this book. My DD is 9 and the early stages of puberty are starting and this book was really helpful for my DD (and for me as it explains puberty in a really accessible age appropriate way). The Girls' Guide to Growing Up: The Puberty Guide for Girls: Amazon.co.uk: Naik, Anita, Horne, Sarah: 9781526360182: Books

OP, I wonder whether your GP could refer your daughter to a paediatric dietitian at the local hospital.

This would also be an opportunity to check that there are no underlying causes to her having put on weight.

They are very helpful.

I haven’t read the comment as it’s been removed but just want to say well done. Whatever you’ve been through clearly you are an engaged dad. Many parents of overweight kids simply don’t care.

If I was suddenly no longer on the scene my partner wouldn’t have a clue what to do and certainly wouldn’t have the wherewithal to think of something like asking a group of mums on mumsnet so you’re obviously doing something right.

And the prize for being the least helpful and unable to read the room response (or the OPs plea) goes to…
Noras

This.

How is that at all unhelpful? It's general good advice, completely in line with what OP said about trying to start managing his daughter's weight without making a big deal of ot

Why is a t shirt too old for her? Doesn't she wear t shirts all the time out of school?

Nobody said anything about buying her a bra.

You really need to get a handle on her weight. If she's very big now she must have been eating too much for several years. And children that young aren't supposed to have free access to food. So they can only eat what you give them.

I was going to suggest a crop top as well but from September vests also work for the winter. My 7 year old often actually wears thermals under her uniform once it gets colder.

It’s also worth having a think about swimming t costumes now we’re getting into the summer. If she’s self conscious she might be better in a rash vest and shorts rather than a smaller costume.

If the OP had led with “we have been through something very traumatic, please don’t judge, we are working on it…” i hope the responses would be considerate in any scenario?!

Also I don’t see what’s simpering about the 90% of answers which literally just answer the question factually. Crop top. Vest. M&S.

wouldn’t it be nice if all threads were like that?!

You sound like a really nice Dad, OP. Keep being that tiger parent your daughter needs. I'm going to pop downstairs and give my daughters dad a big kiss on his bald head... we forget how amazing daughter dads can be x x

He has asked for advice about vests, not about diet. He and his daughter have clearly gone through trauma, if he wanted advice about loosing weight he would have asked.

I've got a very tubby 5 year old (height and weight of a 9 year old) with the illusion of little breasts and she is currently attending school in a summer dress with nothing but a pair of cotton shorts (in lieu of underwear) beneath it. She can roly-poly and do handstands and be appropriately covered without sweating excessively.
There's no need for your daughter to wear an extra layer, truly, and I would have questioned why the teacher was making that suggestion.
However, as many people have mentioned, crop tops are great for younger girls. My friends and I felt so grown up in our "bras" when we were around your daughter's age.
As an aside, obesity in young girls is linked to early puberty and you should make yourself aware of any other changes in her body (hair, odour, acne) as well as mood swings.

You sound like a lovely caring Dad. A crop top will be perfect, lots of the girls start to wear them around her age. I also love that you are instilling body confidence too, it’s so important she doesn’t grow up worrying about her body and instead just having fun getting more movement and gradually changing food without drawing any attention to weight loss. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a tough time, I hope things get a little easier for you.

Another vote for the cropped vest here. A lot of girls wear them before they start to wear bras. In winter, you can switch them for a longer one. Just don't buy that look like a boys PE vest .

The small plain white ones are best as they don't try to look like bras, unlike some of the other ones. I think it's wrong that they try and push bra imitations on young girls.

Good luck with your DD. My DD was overweight as a child and still is, but has lost some weight in recent years. She is SEN and only likes certain foods, so it is hard to lose weight.

I have read your comments about your DD's weight, and it appears that some posters missed your comments.

If your DD likes music and dancing, then get something like Just Dance on the Wii (or similar) and dance with her, make it a competition and fun.

Why are you sighing? He wasn't ordering women to be kind and support him at all, he was just asking for help and support and not judgement, how you read it any other way I have no idea unless you just hate men in general.

OP, good luck with everything. You've had some great advice on here and you sound like a very caring dad.

Thanks so much everyone who has taken the time to post in a positive and helpful way, it’s been so helpful. I, naively as a man who doesn’t go around examining what little girls are wearing under their clothes, simply didn’t know that wearing crop tops is a thing at that age and assumed they were for older teens and adults and I think this is the option given it’s so common. I’ve also seen some other helpful suggestions all sent, and I have taken, in a positive attempt to help. To Summerise some points as I can’t reply to every post:

yes, she is traumatised. What 6 year old little girl wouldn’t be seeing everyone else with their mums at the school gate and she hasn’t had any contact since 18 months old and has had to fear her and rely on dad to keep her safe from the person who should love her more than anyone else

yes, she is obese because I have allowed her access to the food. In our darkest and most difficult days, we both used it as a coping mechanism through the many challenges.

she is not being bullied but is well aware she is comfortably the biggest person in her class, and I have steered away from t shirts as I don’t want to make her feel she has to cover up her belly as others have commented here. She playfully refers to it as her squishy snacks or treats tummy and isn’t self conscious about it, however I am aware that will almost certainly change through puberty and when she starts secondary school.

people have suggested many great options- for the last 4 years we have had absolutely no money and have relied on donations or what I can find in charity shops to send her to school in which has often been ill fitting or not ideal, as she’s obviously not the most common size. It’s a bit better now, and I will be slowly getting her more appropriate bits as and when I can. The plus size easy on range mentioned somewhere may be the first things purchased as I really want her to be able to dress fully independently.

we are both starting to be more active- I can’t afford swimming lessons but we are going to the park daily and our use of food as a bond and comfort agent has stopped. I hope to find her a bike soon so she can learn to ride and be more active to lose weight.

thanks to everyone who has been supportive and educated me, the vast majority of you are exactly what I hoped this forum would be like for a clueless man trying to be the best dad to a little girl he can

Hi OP- I would agree with PP's re the crop top type ones they are only light so not too much of a layer etc. You can usually pick them up in multipacks from Asda, Tesco, Primark, Matalan etc you don't have to spend a fortune on them at this age and I agree with keep them plain and maybe just white ones as they can't usually be seen then under her clothes.

Also, ignore the few negative comments some people can do nothing but find fault etc keep doing what your doing it seems to me your DD is luck to have a dad like you. You will both get there together 😃