Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

After that ridiculous comment I question whether you are mature enough to be in such a position at work

wait why does ur 6 year old have an Ipad

Sorry to say but your follow-up posts are deeply concerning, OP. Please safeguard you’re daughter and do not under any circumstances allow her unsupervised contact with this man. Show your husband this thread - we overwhelmingly agree with you.

I don’t need a nanny cam thanks. You can’t 100% stop the risk but really basic things like not letting grandparents/ uncles etc alone in a room with door closed surely helps reduce that risk.

Oh, must be true!

You should be more aware than anyone that throwing around accusations and withholding contact with nothing to go on but a gut feeling is going to go nowhere good. And certainly not anywhere fast.

I was talking to OP she should get a nanny cam if she is concerned

Is that really relevant to the post?

I've read all your replies, not the full thread.
But I think you need to go with your gut on this one and stand firm. I really can understand why your husband feels that his father is being made out to be a paedophile, that isn't a nice thing to hear. But he is a male and so maybe wouldn't have been an interest to his father when he was a kid.
I'm sorry but the distinct difference between your FILs interactions with both your son and daughter raises a red flag to me. And especially with the door being shut. That's just not on in any house or under any circumstance.
I was SA once, playing with a friend who was older than me. She insisted my bedroom door was shut too. Luckily my mum got suspicious, shouted through to ask what was going on (although never asked me what had happened) and swiftly sent her home.
Does your husband have a sister just out of interest? And if so, what kind of relationship does she have with her dad?
Hang in there and stand strong OP. Your kids are your No1 priority 💐

My DDs play upstairs with uncles/grandad/dad etc. I trust them. If I had weird feelings about it, I'd not allow them to play unsupervised in a room away from me.

Sorry I got confused and thought you were referring to me as the OP of the post you were quoting.

Just to add, if it does come to separation/divorce between you and your husband, you can insist that he doesn't take them there and any meetings with the grandparents are held in a neutral environment, or that they are welcome to visit your home only. I think a solicitor should be able to do something about this for you. That would ease the worry about them being at the grandparents home while out of your care.

Ok. Now I've read the thread I would just take this into my own hands and say very clearly to FiL: 'I don't want you playing upstairs with DD again, I don't want you alone with her with the door closed. I understand this might sound accusatory, but I am her mother and this my way of protecting my child. It is not personal to you, I don't want her alone in that way with any adult who isn't me or DH.' If he is not a weirdo, he will accept this. If he makes a fuss about it, you have your answer.

You started a thread… yesterday! You didn’t have children then 🤷‍♀️

So you were lying on your other thread?

This is very poor advice and likely to end in a serious relationship breakdown. Just tell him you only want her playing downstairs

I disagree although I wouldn't get right into it. I would just say I don't want you playing alone upstairs with DD with the door shut. If he asks why say because it's inappropriate. And just leave it at that. Sometimes people just need to accept boundaries.

What an odd poster
making out you have children
weird
Bit scary!

The irony of all this trusting or not trusting granddad is that children can only be abused by a family member in a house is full of people, when that family member is fully trusted and allowed to take a child off to some isolated part of the house. Creepy Uncle Clive might seem like a wrong'un, but he doesn't get the opportunity to do anything because he's not trusted.

You play downstairs in front of everyone else or the children don’t come. That’s what you say in front of everyone and if your husband doesn’t like it then goodbye to him.

The vast majority of children who experience contact sexual abuse were abused by someone they knew. Your H is unnecessarily putting your daughter at risk because he doesn't want to think of his dad negatively. His dad doesn't lose anything by playing with your daughter downstairs in a visible area. However, your daughter could suffer her whole life if she's abused. I don't care if he's offended her safety is more important than his sensibilities. I would make it a blanket rule bychildren are not allowed to play upstairs with anyone.

My blanket rules
My kids have body autonomy. They don't have to kiss, hug or have physical contact with anyone. They do however have to great people verbally or with a wave.

Everyone must respect their body boundaries including me and their dad.

I've explained to my family that the girls need to feel comfortable asserting their boundaries and that starts with people who love them and at home.

Men in my family, apart from daddy, wouldn't ever offer to do a toilet run or be in their bedrooms or bathrooms with the girls. It's would be considered highly inappropriate.

My kids have lots of books on body boundaries. The have learnt about the pants rule since they were 1. I was SA at 2 by a close family relative, as was my brother and a cousin. Two older cousins were raped.

thank you again for all the replies - I’m really touched how many people have offered their opinions.

have spoken to my husband this evening. He said that this is the first time his dad has been in our daughter’s room for ages…. And that our daughter asked him to go and see her bedroom. He said that his parents won’t ever be coming over to our house again as they are so offended that I said my daughter shouldn’t be alone with her grandad upstairs. My husband has said he will be taking our children every other Saturday to his parents house now - I said that is not a problem and that I would be coming too, so that my daughter wouldn’t be alone with my father in law. My husband also said he couldn’t believe I was insinuating his dad was being inappropriate and did I think that he (my husband) was a paedophile too!!!

I suggested he ask some of his ‘dad’ friends if they would think a similar situation would be inappropriate with their fathers or father in laws. He said that they would think that I was the weird one and I’m showing ‘psycho’ behaviour.

i will add that my in laws weren’t born in the UK and that it is frowned upon to question or disagree with elders, so I think there is a cultural issue too that I’m dealing with.

Absolutely.

So many children are abused. How do people think its happening?

Its not strangers in a van offering sweets.
Its grandad in the closed bedroom with the damned ipad.

In this specific case? Hopefully not. But it happens everywhere. And people often don't notice until its too late because perverts don't say hi, I'm a pervert. I'm just going to take little Alice upstairs for half an hour.

No. They are friends. Family members.