Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

What would you do if you were him?
I would say 'Dad, I know you wouldn't do anything but it really is not acceptable behaviour to take a child to a bedroom and close the door. I don't want my child thinking that it is normal. Please respect our decision.'

Have you ever just barged in on this closed door? what was your sense of it if so?

I'd be deeply uncomfortable with this and just say NO in front of everyone - offence caused or not.

You wouldn't barge in to someone's bedroom because it's not normal, but this situation is not normal. It's as creepy as fuck.

This is the best solution.

What if the little girl was having a playdate/sleepover and her pal's dad or stepdad suggested going upstairs to play/watch DVDs?
She would think that she does it with grandpa and it's ok. She wouldn't be thinking 'This isn't normal',
.

It's weird. If you're uncomfortable tell them to stop

@Chocolatecoffeecup , if you read the thread, you'll see that the OP's DH doesn't support her on this.

Exactly this. It's really important for children to know that this is not appropriate behaviour from adults.

You need to have a really serious conversation with dh like an intervention about his relationship with his parents. They obviously come before dc and that is very worrying.
I would perhaps try from the tact that you just want dd to learn boundaries not for his dad but for everyone. Like how we teach children consent and bodily autonomy with us first. This is the same thing. You want her to learn not to be in a bedroom with any adult.
id be tempted to try couples therapy over this.
Is there a chance he was abused? Because his reactions don’t seem normal and his boundaries are very off.

id put a lot of time into teaching both DCs about consent, saying no, telling you any concerns, how to identify unsafe adults etc.

In my household it would never cross my mind that grandparents playing with grandkids was an issue even with a closed door - but if you are finding it uncomfortable then I guess maybe there is something a bit odd. Equally I can understand that my husband would be very hurt if I raised this sort of suspicion about his father or mother. I think as one poster put it further up you would be best to approach it as a consistent rule and then maybe the grandparents would be on board with helping role model that rule for their grandchild’s future safety? I would be careful though of vilifying grandad just because he is a man. For example my kids are very tactile with each other and adore spending time together but once when they went to a friends house she told my oldest son it was inappropriate for him to watch TV with his arm around his little sister because he had gone through puberty and was nearly a man. That caused him immense sadness and unjustified shame about his gender and it took a long time to heal those words (I was very cross with our friend) so tread carefully because as far as you know the grandad just loves spending time with your daughter…

In my household it would never cross my mind that grandparents playing with grandkids was an issue even with a closed door

@H1ppychicken , You wouldn't find it weird if your FIL was upstairs on the bed playing or watching something on an ipad with your 6-yr old child with the door closed?
Are you for real? Read the OP's posts.

as far as you know the grandad just loves spending time with your daughter… I'm sure he does but he doesn't seem to love spending time with his grandson.

I'd not be comfortable with a teenager cuddling his little sister either. It's not appropriate.

@H1ppychicken My family didn't either - until it happened.

"In my household it would never cross my mind that grandparents playing with grandkids was an issue even with a closed door "

And that's why so many children are abused by family members.

Op has gone quiet, hope she is okay

So sad reading this. My son has and always will hug his sister and put his arm around her, what a strange comment from your friend!

I had a talk with my daughter yesterday about making sure she isn’t alone with the door closed with any male. I explained that this means grandpa, one of her uncles or her friends dads and that only her dad should be in her room with her. She said that she did ask her grandpa to come upstairs with her, but she understood that he should have said no. When I tried to talk more she got cross and asked me why I was getting cross with her. I explained that I wasn’t cross at all and that I just wanted to make sure she was safe. I left it at that and hope to try and talk again another time.

I think we should be scheduled to visit the in-laws not this weekend, but the next, but I have a feeling they might put it off as they won’t want me to come to their house, but I will not be leaving my daughters side wherever we are

In this situation, I would be SO barging!

Me too and I'd be expecting the worst.

It would be interesting to see from the responses on this thread so far how many relate to having been abused by a grandfather.

The fact that he has taken her into a situation where it would feel anything like ‘barging’ to enter, is a big red flag in itself. The shut door is very odd.

I do think you should trust your instincts but at the same time I can understand how screamingly offensive it is to your husband that you are treating his parents this way. If it were my DIL I would also no longer want to see her.
There is no evidence of abuse here and making a small child paranoid and distrustful of her own family makes me very sad for her. It doesn’t seem like anything untoward has happened to her as she herself invited her grandad upstairs.
I think you need therapy. And if I were your husband I’d be contemplating divorce. I say that as someone who has been abused.

You seem to have posted quite an ambiguous answer; trust your instincts but you are wrong????

i agree it doesn’t seem to have done the daughter any good and confused her

OP you need to adopt a no playing upstairs and alone with other adults, esp with doors closed. I would just say all playing downstairs where i can keep an eye on you even with friends

Do you know much about Sarah's Law? Do they inform the person who has put the request in?

There may not yet be any hard evidence, but you don't think that taking the female child and ONLY the female child, not the male child, upstairs to play on the bed with the door closed doesn't constitute some smoke?

If Grandad doesn't want to be suspected, he could always play with his granddaughter downstairs along with everyone else, couldn't he?

Taking my daughter upstairs and closing the door, as a regular thing, and never my son, and no one in the family questions this...I actually think I would lose my temper and scream at the grandfather. I mean, how dare he spirit her away like that behind a closed door?

I wouldn't lose my temper if my husband supported me in making a rule that all play happens downstairs, but in OP's case, her husband is complicit, even if he doesn't mean to be.

I think I would totally lose my shit, and it all could be avoided if that creep of a grandfather just stayed downstairs.