Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

What you say is a sensible plan, but I think the father may be passive and in awe of his father. He would not manhandle her upstairs, as you say, but he would not say boo to his father badgering her either; and if she did as the grandfather wanted, he wouldn’t stop it..

He would be too dim to stay around too, and possibly go out leaving them alone.

This is based on someone I know, if you think I a being mean.

It does not what a terrible warped thing to say. You should be ashamed of yourself.

this, as MN would say "ducks in a row"

Yanbu.
Talk to your GP and call Womens aid for advice.
Your husband is as weird as his father to be in such denial.

I cannot imagine a situation such as you describe and not being genuinely concerned.

Your husband sounds very strange too.
Trust your gut.

Definitely more reliable than your husband or his pervy, creepy father he us defending.

I would frame it that the all adults should be downstairs playing with the grandchildren to protect themselves from any allegations .
I can relate to how we all play with our granddaughter,she likes to spend a quiet time and not be overwhelmed by too many people all focusing on her .

From other posts she has made on this thread, it seems like this might be only one of the issues in her marriage.

I agree - which is why going in all guns blazing would not be my first action. DH obviously isn't on the same page or have much respect for OP's opinion. It seems pushing hard and fast will only end in an equally strong counter-reaction. That is not in DDs best interest if something is genuinely brewing.

You'd like to dismiss people who disagree with you? An excellent argument you make!

Children's safety matters more than adults feelings. It really is that simple.

I can’t imagine my dad or FIL insisting on playing alone with DD upstairs with the bedroom door closed - it just screams red flag to me. It must be horrible as your DH is arguing about it, and the fear of even more unsupervised access if you did end up splitting. If they are going up to play with the iPad can you enable some sort of voice recording on it? I have no idea about IT so this is maybe a silly suggestion!

I also disagree with this- a child actually being abused is a far, far worse thing.

If he is insisting on being alone with his GD in her bedroom with the door shut doesnt that tell you something a bit odd? if its completely innocent then he wont mind coming downstairs will he? The fact he keeps doing this is a huge red flag. People with innocent intentions wouldnt mind the door being open or coming downstairs.

What on earth? Check yourself.

I'm not saying 'safeguarding' = grandstanding. I'm saying throwing about unrealistic and ill-thought through claims about 'what you'd do' is NOT safeguarding. It's emboldened nonsense based on the fact that you're not in the situation you're advising on - and is more than likely to backfire and put DD much more in harm's way.

I think you can definitely say that you want your children to learn "no closed bedroom doors" at a young age. It would also be perfectly normal to limit iPad access for a 6 year old and again that should be downstairs with parents around. Whatever your feelings about your in-laws your DH is going to defend them so approach it as just setting up healthy boundaries for the future.

Your gut is telling you something is not right.
listen to it.

My work involves significant safeguarding responsibilities, so no lecturing from you, thanks.

Presumably your assumption that your FIL might be liable to molest your daughter is substantiated by something?? Get a camera in the bedroom if you think something weird is going on. I agree with your husband that you're making it weird.

Red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Thank goodness then that you aren’t a parent then @PILEALLTHEPILLSONTHEFLOOR

When did I say I'm not a parent. You're just writing fanfiction about anyone here you dont agree with because you don't know how tp make a convincing argument

It’s about 1 in 20 children who are sexually abused. Who do you think they’re being abused by? It’s family members, family friends etc mostly. Often no one suspects a thing because if they acted dodgy they wouldn’t be given the access.

Huge red flags for me, if it was a bit of going upstairs to play because there’s a specific toy my child wanted to play with and also playing downstairs I wouldn’t be worried, but the insistence on playing upstairs alone with the door shut is just very weird to me and sets alarm bells off in my head. The vast vast majority of CSA is perpetrated by someone close to the family or in the family. I don’t want to jump straight to thats what is happening, but there’s multiple red flags across your posts that would make me concerned about it.

You’re not weird for feeling protective. It’s okay to have boundaries around your child, even if others don’t see an issue.

Fair enough. Jeez OP I feel for you because how do you even begin trying to approach this concern. get a nanny cam asap

Maybe play the ds is missing out that he only plays with dd and set up stuff downstairs to play with. Or be busy upstairs and open the door to vacumm /look for laundry. Leave the door open or get a wedge and keep it open. Dh can't argue dd ajoidmyne given special treatment off fil.. Or Shane if gwh WiFi went off. No need for ipad upstairs.... My stomach is quite churning the more you disclose op.