Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

If he's never been caught, it wouldn't help anyway.

OP's DH seems determined not to see what's in front of him. It's quite possible he was abused by his dad.

I know your daughter asks to go upstairs with her grandad and your husband has pointed this out. However she would ask as her toys are all upstairs! Your FIL shouldn't have a problem with going downstairs. One poster worded it so well and suggested that you you say its not acceptable to do this although you know he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I think that's important to get it across that you trust him, that way nobody is offended and your daughter stays downstairs with her grandad.

“I'd not be comfortable with a teenager cuddling his little sister either. It's not appropriate.”

Are you for real?! What is inappropriate about a teenager having his arm round his little sister while they watch tv?? He’s her big brother, it’s an arm, there are other people in the room ffs. Jesus if you have kids I feel so sorry for them. They must be completely starved of any kind of love and affection, because you’re so paranoid it might somehow be ‘inappropriate’, terrified of all men, and will likely grow into those awkward adults who can’t handle hugs or being touched in any way.

You expect OP to wait for evidence? She's trying to prevent anything bad happening to her own little daughter.

@Iatethelastbiscuit , I said cuddling not having his arm around her.

Nothing may have happened. Yet.
Grooming is done by playing the long game.
I once read an article about a man who married a woman and even had a dc with her to gain access to HER dd's...
Your dh is a deluded fool.
I'd be getting a nanny cam for dd's bag.. Even hearing what's gone on can be concrete..
BTW my dc nearly 4 was believed immediately.. You need to consider your actions should the worst happen.
Sadly your marriage would be doubtful to survive. You need to make a mental plan...
I feel for you op I really do.

A cautionary tale - an an incredible young woman - and parents.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66204893

Have these always been the house rules (toys are to be played with upstairs) in your inlaws house. Maybe its something your FIL has always done with his son as a child if MIL doesn't like the 'mess' with toys downstairs. I would definately feel uncomfortable with it whichever way you look at it. I dont think there's an easy way around it tbh without upsetting your DH and inlaws but you have to protect your daughter at all costs.

Well you said it in response to the poster describing him with his arm round her do you could see how I’d be confused. But aaaaanyway, what difference does it make? There’s nothing wrong with a teenage boy giving his little sister a cuddle FFS. That’s the most bonkers thing I’ve ever heard. Do you have kids?

@Iatethelastbiscuit , A brotherly hug or an arm around the shoulder is fine. Cuddling on the sofa is less straightforward and depends on the individuals.
Would it be OK between a teenage step-brother and his younger step-sister etc; on MN they are to be treated as full-siblings.

(FWIW My DC are both of the same sex.)

I think it’s pretty obvious what kind of cuddling is appropriate between siblings (or step siblings) and which isn’t

The friend thought it inappropriate.
I can't imagine it other than if the brother was much older than his sister.
A friend has brothers who were about 14 and 18 when their baby sister was born, and I wouldn't think that odd.

Vile. Utterly, utterly vile. He should have been subjected to some good old Middle Ages torture for what he did to that sweet, innocent little child. They did not mess about back then.

What a ridiculous post. In the Middle Ages, torture was used for people who simply had the wrong opinions, or because someone wanted to get information out of them.. What was "good" about that?

It was especially brutal, and I'm saying a bit of that would sort these vile paedos out. "Good old" doesn't mean it was good; it's a figure of speech. If English isn't your first language, you might not understand the idiom. (Can't imagine why else you wouldn't have understood.)

Op I think you are right to be concerned. I was taken to play upstairs at a relatives house - toys kept in a spare bedroom upstairs for visiting kids- groomed very slowly and made to feel special. I didn’t even realise it was wrong, as it was incremental and trust was built up over time. I was abused every Saturday with all of my extended family downstairs. It only came out when my younger brother was babysat by this relative during a family emergency and he told my mum (was only 3 and they didn’t realise how good his speech was) it blew my whole family apart - no one wanted to believe it and closed ranks. If you’d met this person you’d think they were happy go lucky, popular, maybe a bit childlike and daft, non threatening. My mum said she always felt a little uncomfortable but couldn’t put her finger on anything specific, she would do anything to go back in time, as would my dad. It’s taken years of therapy for all of us. You are in a very difficult situation but I would do everything in your power to ensure your daughter is not left alone with him unsupervised and is well informed on boundaries and what is and isn’t appropriate. Sending lots of love