Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

Most child abuse/ csa is by someone the child knows. You need to trust your instincts. It could be entirely innocent, but if so why are they so reluctant to play in front of everyone else?

i understand why your husband and in-laws are offended, but it’s not about them personally, it’s about the boundaries you have for your child with all other adults.

This is a little scary. So instead of respecting your (very appropriate) boundaries, they've now obtained their own control over the situation whereby they'll have your dd at their house only and under their rules, where they've already previously refused to move the toys downstairs.

You've handled this really well @Lalaland2020 and been really clear. Brava. I would talk to the NSPCC helpline. They will likely confirm that you are right to have raised concerns and that you are taking the appropriate steps to safeguard your children. If they email you some information, that would be a helpful step as you could share it will your H. It was also give you an audit trail in case he doesn't get on board with safeguarding your child. A PP mentioned that this singling out of your DD is also damaging to your DS, so it's good to keep this in the frame. Hopefully your actions will be enough to protect your DD. Your H will have to update his ideas.

Another one saying not unreasonable, OP. There aren’t many hills I’d die on but this is one. I have a family member who was abused by her dad. Nobody would have believed it of him. Abusers don’t go around with a warning label on heir forehead.

Worst case scenario game -

You never let her play alone with grandad - worst case is that everyone apparently thinks you’re nuts. And offended? because they are older than you. So what.

You allow her to play alone with this man - worst case is that she could be groomed/abused.

So don’t allow it.

Your husband is more worried about his dad eing offended than he is about your daughters safety.

Your children, both of them, shouldn't be alone in bedrooms with anyone and certainly not adults with the door closed.

I think you need to stop making it about his dad and make it a blanket rule. No one is allowed to play upstairs with the kids alone.

Unfortunately, you can't trust him to safeguard your kids. I wouldn't let him take the kids to his parents alone. Unfortunately, your a bit stuck with him hevsuse if you divorce him you can't police it.

Would it help to get your husband to read this whole thread OP?

totally agree
trust your gut on this one

Everyone has said the same thing but I just wanted to add a reply to assure you they are all right. It’s very very strange that your daughter is upstairs in bed watching the iPad with her grandad. I would walk upstairs and say right come downstairs to watch that now, grandad can come downstairs too.

Put a hidden camera in that room

I’d think along these lines- that it’s in appropriate because it’s not a good idea to have a little child to think playing in a bedroom alone with a man is normal in general. I don’t think every man is a pedo but I can see why it’s niggling you. I think you were mad to say it might be sexual to your husband though - imagine if he said it about your dad.

Why wait and watch! Once it’s done it’s done

act now op and make a blanket rule

Well yes but it’s not possible for OP to always be there. What’s to stop husband taking the kids round and lying about where he is etc.

Far better to upset a few adults than risk your child being scarred for life.
I say that as someone who was sexually assaulted by my stepdad when other people were in the house.
Just to add sometimes your gut is right. I remember my dh asking me if my sd had ever done anything inappropriate before anything became public knowledge. I said no at that time but it did eventually come out so he must have been giving some kind of vibe out.

she cant place a camera in someone else’s house!

Your FIL is teaching your little girl that it’s okay to be in a room, alone with a man, separate to everyone else with the door closed and to “keep secrets”… and your husband thinks that’s okay?

Even if your FIL is innocent, he’s still teaching your DD the above.

This sounds very very worrying. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my own Dad doing this with my DD and my Dad has never shown any worrying signs with myself or any friends of mine as children.

Children are often abused by a trusted family member because the opportunity is there and freely given (because they’re trusted).

As someone who was regularly felt up by her granddad, trust your gut OP.

This.

I would like to know peoples thoughts on this situation but the other way round.

Grandma taking grandson upstairs to play in the bedroom, while everyone downstairs.

How old is your FIL? Am asking because many people,male or female would not necessarily think that playing with a child in their room is not acceptable these days! I still share a bed with my grandchild when staying for a sleepover and husband lies on bed with grandchild to read stories before bedtime. It’s just normal in our family 🤷‍♀️

This is all very strange. Neither my father nor FIL has ever done anything like this.

YANBU and you are not making it weird. It ALREADY IS WEIRD - especially with the closed door.

There is quite simply no justification or rationale for playing with toys upstairs with grandad.

How many parents would want a child watching an iPad in a different room with the door closed when they have no control over what the child can see on the iPad?

insisting on it with the door shut? same thoughts.

I've namechanged just for this to add these things do happen. I'm mid thirties and ever since I was little my grandad cornered me in the hall when I'd be on the way back from the bathroom and put his hand, with money in it down my top and feel me up inappropriately. He'd leave the note behind and when we'd go back in the room he'd just say he was giving me my pocket money, which he technically was. It stopped when I was late teens and I stopped visiting. My grandad was a gent so I don't think I'd have been believed. Also at the time, £20 was a LOT of money so I felt I couldn't really say anything as it'd be ungrateful. I didn't even really get that that was wrong until years and years later. Me and him had a lovely relationship in everyother way.

Overall I still think of my grandad more positively than negatively and the only reason I have proper perspective about it is because I have a child of my own now and would be horrified to know that they were being abused in the same way.

Stick by your guns OP. You just never ever know what is happening when you're not there. Until they're old enough to fully understand these things and safeguard themselves, don't risk it.