Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

I’m in my late 50’s and found out last year that a close family friend of my mothers was a prolific peadophile who abused all of his daughters and almost certainly the daughters that the family fostered. I was also fostered by the family but was not abused by him. I don’t know who was aware of his actions when it was ongoing but I definitely had no idea.

what I’m trying to say is that we be er know who is a risk to our children until it’s too late and it’s generally someone we know.

I can’t fathom any man being in a bedroom with a young girl with the door closed in 2026. Surely we’re more aware of the comfort of parents in this day and age?? Are we not aware that we’re ALL under suspicion.

Ask your husband how he’d feel if it was your dad in the bedroom with his daughter.

Your husband needs to have your back on this and your daughter has to clearly understand that anyone who wants her to keep any secrets from her parents is not a safe person.

Thanks again for all of your replies. Honestly means a lot to hear others opinions and views

Why is the door closed. You should always be there and open the door and leave it open.

They should not be upstairs with the door shut. You are right to want them downstairs.

So you’ve stood back and let your husband overrule you on this for years.

are you now going to stand firm?

I understand your DH being protective of his Dad's reputation.

What I just cannot understand is the grandparents and the DH all insisting that the toys must stay upstairs and that it is perfectly normal to have the door shut whilst the rest of you, including your other child sit downstairs. It's coming across as a point of pride that they have to oppose your wishes on this and that, if nothing else, is concerning.
You are the parent. If you say the child must play downstairs and not in a closed door bedroom, I cannot understand why they think it is OK to oppose that and insist that's the way it must be. They haven't come up with one good reason why it has to be that way, against the child's mother's wishes.

If your DH is embarrassed and wants the disagreement to end, all he has to do is take the toys downstairs. If he had done that in the first place there would be a lot less fuss. He's trying to prove that he believes in his father's reputation.
But that is at the expense of your peace of mind over a relatively simple request.
He is not being fair to you or your DD.,
It's the constant refusal of that request that would cause me anxiety and also your mention of FILs behaviour at your friends wedding would not lessen that anxiety. What a horrible position they have put you in.

You wouldn’t start a thread on MN because you are confident about what you’d do in this situation. She isn’t sure so is asking for advice. We are all different and that’s ok.
Fwiw I would do as you’ve said and insist on downstairs from now on. But I would also quite likely be asking friends or on MN for reassurance as the OP has that that is the right thing to do and not OTT.

Do they do this at your house as well as theirs then OP?

@Lalaland2020 , You are not being gaslighted.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person causes someone to doubt their own perception, memory, or reality, often to gain control or power over them.

Trust your gut. You are being cautious not OTT.

My dad looks after my DD alone while I go to work? He also looked after me alone for days on end as he was a stay at home dad and my mum worked away? If you think there’s something dodgy behind him wanting to be upstairs with her alone and she’s said anything concerning then that’s fair enough but if my DH suggested my dad shouldn’t be looking after my DD because he is a man and therefore probably sexually abusing her id be absolutely horrified and that’s what a lot of these comments suggest

If you bother to read the follow up posts… it is not simply because “he is a man”

It’s been going on for years

I'm not sure what you're asking here. Are you concerned about your dad?

I wasn’t referring to the OP, I was referring to some of the other comments saying they don’t let DC be alone with male family members at all.

Definitely not.. but according to some of the comments on here apparently I should be!

You're doing the right thing, OP. Downstairs and in front of you. It takes one touch to turn a child's world upside down. So yeah, nip that in the bud now.

I think maybe you just need to pause and read all the OP’s posts and then come back

Like?

Don't let your husband put his feelings for his parents above your childrens safety .
He's gaslighting you ,in to thinking you have the problem
There is no problem
As long as the children stay downstairs,no need to play in bedrooms
Your rules op ..you are the parent,you make the rules.
And I'd not be letting him take the DC alone to his parents either , because he's made it clear he will allow his dad to do as he pleases with your dc

This. This is the reason. Ask DH, is he okay with a random Dad of a future playmate taking her into a closed bedroom ‘to play’ on their own at a sleepover? I’d bet not. But that is what he is setting her up to accept from grown up men. Surely he can see that? And the need to help your daughter understand boundaries and what is okay behaviour and what isn’t. You need to help DH reframe this that it isn’t (just) about his Dad. If that doesn’t fly, then you have other issues to consider….

Have you also taught your daughter about her body and rules about touch/ her consent? Also- not keeping other peoples’ secrets? Children usually feel guilty for others’ crimes. It would stand her well in any situation to have clear boundaries and a direct link to you if these are threatened. Also- trust your instincts- bring them downstairs/ don’t visit

If it feels wrong then don't allow it.

You're right it's not ideal for little kids to alone in rooms with men with the door shut if you're not very certain they're trustworthy.

The fact that you were asking questions made me think your were. Good that you're not.

OP has valid concerns. No-one is saying that every man is suspect.

Someone literally posted up thread that her and her husband have a blanket rule that their child isn’t allowed to be alone with men in their family unless I have misread?

I also think all the comments saying men should know better than to be alone with a child would indicate the same thing.

OP clearly has her concerns about her FIL, but I wanted to put my perspective across because I am saying I can understand why her husband feels how he does as that’s his dad, just like I don’t feel concerned about leaving my child with my dad.

I agree with the people who have said its about framing its as teaching your daughter the safety rules and also protecting her dad's father. I get that your husband would not want to think that his father was capable of anything so awful but imagine if she is doing "what I did at the weekend" at school and she says "Grandad took me upstairs and he shut the door and we sat on the bed together and played on the ipad"