Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

I'm a 50 something woman and no, I never played in my bedroom with my father. He was a hands on dad for the 70s and did a reasonable amount of nappy changes, baths, meals and childcare. And played with me - in the garden, at the park, at the dining table with lego and board games. But not in my bedroom. I did have the boxroom to be fair so not many toys or much space, but I don't recall him playing with my brother in his room either. And certainly doors shut wouldn't have been required.

my husband and I have argued a lot about this - even during marriage counselling. He has threatened divorce, which would make it worse as I would have no control about him leaving the children with his parents, which terrifies me.

My father in law has made some comments before she was even born (we knew we were expecting a girl) like he’d have to see her at least every other week as she’d grow up so fast. None of this has been said about my son. He comments on her looks - her hair, her eyes saying she is “pretty”. Once at a theme park my daughter said she needed the toilet - he offered straight away to take her even though both myself and my husband were there - I refused and took her myself obviously. My in laws never seem to want to go anywhere outside of the home with the children too - never the park,swimming etc…. They are always wanting to be at their own home or at ours even when it’s suggested. My daughter told me that her grandparents have asked her to keep secrets, but my husband said it was just that they were giving her sweets that I didn’t want her to have…. All these things have my mind racing about my father in law wanting to be alone with my daughter, but it’s hard not to think I’ve just gone on a tangent!

I bought a book last year about privates and children being told not to keep secrets and I made this aware to my daughter, husband and in-laws, yet we are still here….

I was sexually abused by my grandfather. My parents, grandmother and siblings were downstairs. He took me upstairs to ‘play’ only it wasn’t playing it was sexual abuse. They were in the same house and no one came to check

I was going to say YABU until I got to the shut door, that’s not ok
My DDs would often play upstairs with my dad as parents keep toys in a spare bedroom. No issues with this as it’s my Dad and and I trust him. The door would never be shut though

Ok so there’s a massive back story here

Fundamentally you’re in a terrible marriage
and you’ve been sitting on this concern re your FIL for years.

In the short term, woman up and point blank refuse for toys upstairs with door closed.

longer term… start planning your exit. It’s over.

I don’t think you’re being ridiculous, OP. My father sexually abused me and my sister when we were small and this is exactly the sort of shit he used to pull. Nobody believed us either.

I know someone who was abused by their grandad. A very apparently respectable, otherwise nice man.

@Pollyanna87 no. All playing with others whether that be parents, my sister or other friends was always to be done downstairs. Once we hit secondary school female friends were allowed in bedrooms. Houses were largely open plan with double wide sliding doors between downstairs rooms. Didn’t matter if that was playing Lego, hide and seek, drawing and colouring etc. You played downstairs.
The rule was downstairs where you could be seen. As a street/comminity rule even playing outside, all the houses were designed with kitchen windows at the front, so someone was always watching over us playing in the streets. No one was allowed to play in a garden without a parent being in that house. It was a time when 99% of mothers were sahm. We weren’t latch key kids until secondary school age. At the time it didn’t feel like we were being restricted/parents being overly cautious etc. By today’s standards we were given an awful lot of freedom. Looking back - all the parents had the same rule regarding playing with adults in that it was always in the communal areas of the house, never ever a bedroom.

Your update makes it worse OP, especially the keeping secrets. Can you not just ask her what the secret is. Most kids do just say if you ask them. Like when they give you a wrapped up present and you go 'oh what is it' and they say 'it's new slippers' or whatever. They just blurt it out.

No one wants to believe that their own father would row the line with a young child……..but it happens. Even if FIL is innocently playing with your DD, her being alone with anyone leads the child to believe that it’s ok to be alone with a stranger that might do her harm s she knows no difference……hope that makes sense.
Imagine if the child talks about being on the bed with grandad when she’s at school……it might be innocent but alarm bells would start ringing and rightly so.
Take the lead on this OP, insist that playing takes place downstairs, there’s to be no bouncing on beds and no playing behind closed doors.

Why not say you're teaching her about safely and you've said that as a rule that she's not allowed in anyone's bedroom with the doors shut except mummy and daddy and would they mind playing downstairs to help enforce the rule. Unfortunately six years old is a good time to start learning about staying safe.

So?
Her child isn’t with him at this moment, she’s started a thread for opinions and advice. Any decision won’t be delayed by her seeking advice.

My point is…. Should she feel “guilty”? No

Should she stop something that she’s felt profoundly unsettled about for years…. NOW? yes. As of right now

I'd be very concerned about a few things specific to this situation. I don't feel that all grandfather's should be banned from playing with their grandchildren upstairs.

But in this case there are red flags which shouldn't be ignored.
The insistence on doing it even though you've said you want them to play downstairs. The closed door. Why close the door? If I go to play with the grandkids it wouldn't even occur to me to shut the door. They shouldn't be shut away like that in any room.

But i's the asking to keep secrets that would really worry me especially with the closed bedroom door situation - even if it is just about sweets, it's still behaviour that is concerning. Sorry, but it's what groomers do. They start with things like secrets about sweets to see if the child will tell because if they do then it's not such a big deal if it's just sweets.

Telling kids to keep secrets is not normal or healthy behaviour.

You've got a big problem with your DH though because if you split up over this then he's got 50:50 time when he could take them to his parents and you have no control. A very difficult situation. I hope you can convince him.

In the meantime, I would be very proactive with the situation. If they go upstairs keep popping up and opening the door to say hello, ask what they're doing, ask if your dd wants a drink. Anything at all in fact to be ever present. Leave the door open when you leave and if he keeps closing it again, I'd seriously consider calling social services. With any luck it will signal that you're on to him and he'll back off.

@Lalaland2020 I think you need to be firm. Stop this ever happening again. Don’t worry about who might be upset. Just advocate for your daughter. Everything may be innocent but just in case it isn’t be firm and call a halt. Downstairs in the company of others or all visits stop.

I think this is a really good idea to instill in your daughter.
I don't see why your husband is being such a prick about it, it's weird he wants to play in the bedroom and it also isolates her from the rest of the family, what if the rest of your in laws want to see her?
I think you probably have to hold out on this and say this is my rule, its not an unreasonable one and i'm not going to change my mind so either support me or see you later. I'm not in the camp of throwing away husbands willy nilly but your child's safety has to be taken seriously.
If its innocent then there should be no problem with playing downstairs, if its not you'll be really glad you set that boundary.
Also, priming her to keep secrets could be innocent but thats what child groomers do.

The man needs his hard drive checking. Protect your children. I would do a Sarah's Law request.

And if you took all mumsnetters, all warning against this, a very upsetting proportion of them would be correct.

OP I think you should listen to your intuition - you have given may reasons here that explain why you feel as you do

You haven't answered the question, does he do this with your son? I do find this concerning.

She has said concerning things - grandad has set up the idea that him and grandchild can have their own secrets to be kept from her mum

I don’t have children and I would never try and isolate any of my friends children because I want the mothers to feel
comfortable as well as the child

No, my son has a hot wheels car set and toys in his room, but father in law doesn’t go upstairs with him. Father in law doesn’t go upstairs with my son at his own home either.

Gosh that’s sounds odd

Ok so what’s the plan? You need to have more than one than you’ll try to be firmer with your husband

This is all really worrying tbh. It may well be nothing but there's so many red flags. You need to override your husband on this one and protect your daughter. Personally, I wouldn't give a shit who I offend, tell them all straight that she is to play downstairs only and if they don't listen to you, ban her from going to their house again. At your own house surely you can enforce this rule? How do they override you in your own house?