Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

Exactly

and the child is 6 in any event!! We aren’t talking about a 16 year old (and even then… my rule is that no bedroom door upstairs closes with her boyfriend. And she bloody doesn’t do it because she knows I’d ask him to leave and no more visits for a few weeks!)

@PistachioTiramisu, And what if your memory had been of something completely different?

The other poster may have been concerned that precipitating a divorce would actually throw the child into the grandfather’s orbit without op around to protect her.

um…
Not quite what’s happening here

Op I need to serve dinner up to two starving teens so I’ll leave thread but make a promise to yourself that this will never happen again. Good luck

What?!? I wouldn’t give a second thought about my children’s grandparents being in a shut room with them. There must be something else to this as no one I know would ever worry about this with a normal grandparent

What about buying a camera and installing it in your daughter's bedroom without telling anyone? If they go upstairs, you make an excuse to check what is going on on the monitor.

Would you feel equally weird if it was your own dad?

Has your DFIL give you any reason to suppose he'd hurt your daughter in any way?

And when DH and OP separate because she 'didn't give a fuck about offending anyone'? And he takes the children to his parents when they're separated? What then?

It's not MY style of parenting I'd be worried about. It's DH - who, despite your peacocking, you have zero control over, especially as you may well have alienated him so far by your attitude that he takes his children to his parents as he sees fit.

Regarding concerns as serious as these, I'd not let my daughter go with her father if I couldn't trust him to keep her safe. Court and supervised visits.

We really don’t, @Laiste -
I’m the youngest by a decent few years and my dad doted on me.
I loved him so much.

When I was newly 16 and driving I caught him cheating on my mum - or trying to.
I told him that if he didn’t tell her - I would. Looking back, he freaked out about it and chased me down while I had my grandfather in the car, taking him for a haircut.
My dad threatened me - it was awful.
We eventually made up.
A thousand years later, I was looking after my parents - cooking for them, cleaning, doing their laundry, running their errands.
I loved it - I became even closer to them.
One day while I was out, my dad took a handgun and ended his life.
None of us knew he had it.
I struggle with the why’s, even though it’s been years, now.
But we never think it’s gonna be our dad. ❤️

I think It’s a different situation when the rest of the family are around and he is purposely playing with her alone. That’s strange when they could play near to where the rest of the family are.

What reason does your husband give for his dad behaving so differently with his grand daughter from how he does his grandson?

What were they doing on the ipad?

Stand your ground OP, it's odd behaviour. Even if there's nothing at all amiss your daughter will start feeling uncomfortable about it soon just because of age and stage of development, and might worry about causing offence by saying so if it'sbeen the norm.

This.

You say ‘I’m not comfortable with DD playing upstairs. Please play with her downstairs and leave doors open.’

Say it as you DH won’t. Protect your daughter. No man should be upstairs in a bedroom with a little girl with the door shut. You know this.
Trust your gut.

I fail to believe any sane grandfather would think this behaviour is normal. It might cause awkwardness but once it’s said it’s done- then keep your boundaries .

As someone who was abused by her grandfather, but sadly with a mother who told me I “must have misunderstood” please don’t be that mum.
Gut instinct is so powerful.
I’m no contact with my mother for many reasons but her lack of protection of little me was certainly a huge part of it.
You are your kids’ first and most important advocate. Please don’t let your husband win on this. There is NO reason they need to play upstairs, let alone with the door closed.
Stay vigilant!

My mum knew and looked the other way. Not every mother is fiercely defensive of her children. I stopped talking to her when I was about 30 and never spoke to her again. She’s dead now.

This is the problem with sexual abuse though isn’t it!? Abusers don’t come with a flashing sign above their head and are not the odd bloke from down the road. They’re normal, charming, friendly family men who no one suspects. That’s why it’s such a shock and that’s why people often find it hard to report because of the fear of not being believed because of how loved the abuser is. They’ve usually groomed not only the victim but everyone aroine
them.

No one is saying this man is an abuser but there is no way of knowing if he’s one or not. The best way is to avoid the opportunity. There is no need for them to be playing in a room with the door closed

If it was me, I'd be stopping her from going upstairs.

Tell them all your daughter does not need to be playing upstairs behind a closed door in a bedroom with grandad and its not happening ever again.

I'm surprised your FIL is prepared to be alone in a room with your daughter. If nothing else, his judgement is off there.

Did he insist you go up there - shut the door and ignore your brothers?

I think if this is likely to happen, then its time to take the nuclear option and go to the police with your concerns, OP That might give your husband something to think about before he takes the kids places without you.....even telling him you'd do it might give him pause.

I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather, it always occurred at their house, when I was alone with him (obviously). If you’re feeling wary, trust your instincts and remove her from that situation.

What are the stats? I think it’s about 1in20 children are sexually abused. That’s at least one in every class. Most abusers are people who are close to the children, grandparents, uncles, step parents.

Are you saying that just because you were not a victim we shouldn’t do anything to avoid other children being abused?

When I was a kid I'd go join my grandad in his bedroom where he was watching the snooker on a tiny black and white tv set.

I loved it.

My parents were fine with it. Door was open. I was sat there on the bed next to grandad trying to work out which balls were which.

When something feels wrong, it just feels wrong. Only a fool ignores that feeling.