Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

@MatronPomfrey , I don’t see what your in-laws are doing wrong.

Considering the vast majority of abusers are male, statistically speaking a grandmother is safer than a grandfather. Only fools and those with agendas argue otherwise.

However, if the situation were described as in this op I'd be saying the same thing.
There are red flag behaviours being described here.

Agreed, after an uncle told me he was attracted to me.. I have learnt that unfortunately you cannot trust anyone. It’s necessary to be really careful.

This uncle is on a side I don’t see now. I’ve never told my other side of the family about this, but if any have children, I do plan to, as I think it’s important we know it can happen.. to protect each other.

They say ‘history repeats itself because no one is listening’ but I think history repeats itself because noone is talking. And I plan to talk.

So I agree with many others, toys downstairs, trust your gut, hopefully will be ok then 🙏

They never want to meet at softplay or a park or anything like that, which adds to the concern.

Why? Sitting watching children play at a playground or in softplay can be quite boring, and also cold.

And plenty of children are abused by their grandfathers.

Trust your gut feeling . Don’t apologise just being your kid close to you

Oh gosh this is really concerning reading all your comments.

Are you in the UK op?

I'd actually be reaching out and speaking to someone about this. Asking for their professional safeguarding advice. I'd consider calling women's aid too.

Don't be strong armed into allowing this very dodgy situation/person to have access to your dd out of your sight.

How many guys would be comfortable with these scenarios?! Offering to take a relatives little girl to the loo, wanting to play in a bedroom with them with the door closed, etc and not wanting any of these scenarios with their siblings of the opposite sex makes it even more weird and concerning.

Does your husband honestly feel this is an okay situation?! If he does I'd be calling women's aid too tbh.

You need to get this message deleted in light of all of the accounts of sexual abuse on this thread. Maybe not intentionally, but your response is tone deaf and potentially offensive to posters traumatised by abuse from male relatives inside family homes.

You are most definitely not being paranoid, OP and, even if you were, she is your child and it is your responsibility to ensure you are 100% happy with any situation she is in.
Explain to the grandad that children have a way of speaking their truth in a very matter of fact way and if she did this at school the fact that she plays with her grandad in a bedroom with the door shut could sound dreadful and quite rightly lead to alarm bells ringing and the wrong conclusions being drawn. To save that from happening, in future you want the children playing downstairs only.
If this offends anybody, and it would never offend a reasonable person, then they don't get to see the child without you being present. Doesn't sound like your hubby is totally onboard with all this so that would mean you being there when she was.
Anybody who thinks this is paranoid or OTT, I could give you plenty of instances where a mother didn't trust her instincts and huge damage was done. Let me know if you want some examples, I work with the fallout of some of this and it's not pleasant.

Sitting downstairs while your DFIL/DF/DH/DGF is on a bed playing with his ipad and granddaughter is fun I suppose.

I'd be putting a camera in that room if your husband is going to continue being a thick cunt about this. 😬

Op, do you have access to your husband's devices?

I ask because if your 'D'H is sat in prison, you wouldn't have to worry about him handing your little girl over to his pervy Dad.

Look up side effects of drugs that cause hypersexuality.

Ever heard the expression 'You don't know what goes on behind closed doors'?

In the absence of any other information, this sounds weirdly paranoid to me.

Read the OP's posts.

I was touched inappropriately by my own father in the early 60's....he played the long game......it started with tickling, but as the tickling got rough and I cried he would scoff and I would be made to feel I was a spoilsport..but he tormented me with play fights.... Until I was 9 and mum worked..dad giving me coins as bribes for cuddles on his knee...I was scared of him. But it felt wrong but I was ignored if I said no and I eventually found ways to stay out of his way, as it had progressed to intimate touch...He had different behaviour towards me if mum was around...It has left me distrustful around men ever since. I never told anyone... I felt so ashamed and worthless. I stopped eating properly by age 11....struggled with puberty....I'm retired now but those feelings have haunted me.

I think this is excellent advice. As they have all failed to listen to your totally reasonable concerns and even your husband is doubling down protecting his father and not his children .And going out of his way to over rule you and to encourage the situation to happen again at his parents house .
It is completely abnormal for your FIL to ignore his grandson but repeatedly manouevering to have personal time with his grand daughter upstairs behind a closed door .
I would quietly and discretely be focused on protecting your daughter whenever she is with them but also watching very carefully to see what he attempts . Abusers often play the long game . I also think that everyone being offended and outraged is another red flag rather that gracefully accepting your concerns and supporting you .And I would also log that your MIL is sharing in the offense and not supporting you either .
I have limited experience of paedophiles but on the surface they often appear better than normal and interested in children but trying to be with a child alone is a chilling warning to me .
I would be invisibly vigillant and observing rather that discussing it further . And I would tend not be revealing my thoughts again too soon so that I could allow them to develop and learm more .

And I would ask the NSPCC or even consider asking the police in time if I got more information that worried me (although I may be completely wrong ) suggesting that the grandfather appears to have a sexual interest in his grand daughter . It would blow the family apart but paedophiles abuse many children before they are caught . If people are innocent they have no right to be offended and protecting children should be more important .

That is not what happens or how it works. There would have to be proof.

The father would have the children at least some weekends, if not much more often, and could take the children where he wants.

This is what i was going to suggest. hidden camera which you turn on before they arrive.

it seems like the in laws are point blank refusing to respect the OPs request and this whole thing is really damaging her relationship with DH. hidden camera will show OP for sure if grandpa is being inappropriate and take the ambiguity out of the situation.

however that ship may have sailed as the GPs will only see her at their house now..

I would put a hidden camera in the room. Easy to get on Amazon and not expensive. You can livestream to your phone.

Also, OP, I would not be shy about very pointedly going up and opening the door as wide as it will go, if this situation happens again. No need to hide behind "Do you want a drink?" etc. Let Mr. Inappropriate know you're on to him.

I am DEEPLY suspicious of this man. Toys are kept upstairs? Well, that's convenient. Playing along in the bedroom with the door shut and lying on the bed, watching God knows what on the ipad? JFC. And after you've expressed concern, too!

There is NO reason whatsoever for him to be playing alone upstairs with the door shut. None! Have you asked your husband point-blank what possible reason there could be for this? Not as a rhetorical question, as a real one.

"DH, what is the reason for him playing upstairs with her behind a closed door? Are you thick as shit or something?" Then look at him expectantly until he answers.

I'm another one who was abused by a family member age 11 (older cousin) in my bedroom with the door shut.

Firstly not every bloody man is a paedo.

Secondly do something stop asking your DH to sort it, grow a backbone.

Maybe if it happens again you say that you will come upstairs too, insist on it every time and maybe he’ll get the message .It could be completely innocent or not!