Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

Makes for very unsettling reading. My Dad always played with the kids downstairs and they occasionally followed him to the shed or he’d take them to drive to my Mum‘s when they were older but never once played with them behind closed doors. Your husband needs to wake the fuck up - most children get abused by someone they know - it’s very rarely some stranger that happens to cross their paths. Your FIL should pre-empt this and play downstairs with them. The not going out thing is weird, too.

Having been SA by my maternal grandmother, then I'd have the same worries. It's quite rare, but it does happen. Despite who is around, male or female, the child and their safety should come first. Not all paedophiles are male.

Sorry if someone has already posted this but you and others might find this helpful. Also I was sexually abused while my mother was in the next room. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/pants-underwear-rule/

Firstly men are something like x98 more likely to sexually offend than a woman. So that's not a comparable example.

Secondly, no I wouldn't allow it. It's inappropriate and against social norms to be in a bedroom and close a door with anyone that's not your own child or a sexual partner. I don't close the bedroom door with my own child unless it's bedtime because there's no other reason to.

God this brings back some awful memories. OP, you did the right thing - the feeling of being trapped behind a closed door has never left me, and any man that pretends not to know how inappropriate it is is one to watch out for.

TW:- This is upsetting don't read if you feel account of SA will trigger you.

@Lalaland2020 - The reality of the situation on a personal note. I thought it might help your husband understand the impact.

I was SA by my uncle in my own house. I was in my bedroom and still only in a cot. My brother was also SA in our house. My brother actually told my parents and they talked to me and I demonstrated what my uncle was doing to me. I don't know where he abused and raped my cousins.

The impact is that I've always been alert. I've never really felt safe. I've never felt protected because this happened, and no one kept me safe. No one reported it to the police because they didn't want to ruin the family name. It was all hushed up. My relatives didn't believe it, and their kids were also victims. I've suffered MH issues my whole life. . I've always felt damaged. I've never had innocence. I struggled with relationships. I've never slept soundly. I've struggled with so many aspects of my life because if one man and others responses to his behaviour. Myself and 2 of my cousins that I'm aware of have tried to take our own lives. The impact is devastating.

It doesn't matter if it offends people. All that matters is your children are safer if they are playing in plain sight and visible.

Once the damage is done it can't be undone.

Why does he need to close the door?!

I would pretend to back off as your DH is an idiot - but meanwhile making sure she is never in that situation by always being there. If DH is going there without you you can’t let that happen - either go or take her with you.

I don’t see how you can leave this relationship just yet sadly, as you say, it will give you less control. So I can only see the route of pretending to be sweet as pie - meanwhile going there and going up to join them if you have to.

I’d still think it was weird on exclusive front - of door was shut and she didn’t play with grand daughters

Grandmas are less likely to watch porn than grandpas.
Grandmas are less likely to masturbate than grandpas.
Grandmas are less likely to sexually assault than grandpas.
Grandmas are less likely to rape than grandpas.

Absolutely trust your gut. And TBH don’t let her go there again without you or let her go upstairs with him. You all really know the truth. I’d try to not go there again and insist on public places. The difference between granddaughter and grandson is very telling.

I speak as someone who saw it happen and didn’t trust my gut. The thing was the bond was crazy. She just wanted to spend time with him because he made her feel special -until he didn’t.

Have you ever asked dd what they watch on the ipad?

@Lalaland2020 , is there any possibility that your PIL has abused your MIL or DH?

Their not seeing how wrong this looks is so worrying and I'm just an average MN grandma.

Omg this is genius. Who cares about the ethics if it means you can know what the hell is going on?!

If you are worried about sexual abuse why would you even see them and why haven’t you called the police?

Yanbu.

In our house we don't have visitors upstairs unless they have come to fix something or they work for the nhs/council. Mainly because downstairs is like piccadilly circus sometimes and some of the dc and dh are autistic and need space where they don't have to be sociable. But it also helps with other scenarios too, like when the dc want a friend round and it's easier to say no friends upstairs than try and work out when to stop the dc playing in their bedrooms with friends of the opposite sex. And if their friends are the same sex but they are homosexual should we use the same rules as we would use for friends of the opposite sex. It's just easier to say no visitors upstairs.

@ThatWaryLimePeer What are you on about?

She can’t call the police because she has no proof and her own DH is calling her crazy.

She cannot stop her DH taking his child to see his parents.

She is absolutely right that there is something very wrong with his behaviour but she has to be smart about it due to her DH being a prick.

For the same reason that she wouldn't ring an ambulance because she wants the child to wear a helmet on the bike when her husband thinks it's grand without.

Because she's a normal person that wants to take normal and basic safeguarding actions to ensure the risk of harm is minimised.

And even still, I would still think it's really odd.
I would never take my niece/nephew away from their parents and shut her/him in a room with me alone, consistently, even after their mother has expressed that she's not comfortable and asked me to stop.
Could you imagine!?

Goes to show the level of arrogance of men!

Are you always this paranoid? I don’t see what your in-laws are doing wrong. Plenty of Grandfathers look after their grandchildren without supervision. No wonder your DH is upset.

Make sure dd knows pants rule, good nd bad secrets

Just noticed the secret thing. Never ok. Have PM’d you

Well said, MatronPomfrey.
My thoughts entirely.

Neither would I. I have been alone with my sibling's children when babysitting them, but I the internet was just some magic thing you could only very rarely use at work back then.

We know what is normal and we have boundaries. We don't touch other people's children, and know not to unless we had to, for example, if the child was injured.

OP's situation has grooming or worse warning lights all over it.

She’s specifically worried about the behaviour of ONE grandparent who in a house full of people, takes the little girl upstairs to play in a bedroom with a closed door and refuses to change the behaviour when it’s flagged. They lie in a bed watching an iPad when there is no reason they shouldn’t be downstairs. The girl has mentioned being told to keep secrets. The grandparent also only treats one child like this and ignores the other child.

Are you having a laugh?! What’s triggered you, don’t see your grandkids much? Or don’t you get on with your DIL? It’s nothing to do with not liking a grandparent being unsupervised, it’s not liking them acting inappropriately.