Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

Reading this it seems like it’s your mum who was at fault for letting her go back to the flower bed!

I read your post and my heart went out to you - I could sense your anxiety throughout eg the overly long explanation, the self justification, the examples etc. I do it myself and know how exhausting is it.

those who said you are wallowing have no empathy - they would never say that to your face so just be careful what you post as you will get a range of replies from the sublime to the ridiculous.

a previous poster called you a bad parent - so easy for them to say something that could potentially derail your evening/ week/ you! Such a huge statement based on flowers. FLOWERS! it wasn’t that bad, she’s 3 and people do far worse things (including the people on here who are judging you from their ivory tower).

Dust yourself off and move on, don’t engage with idiots both irl and on here.

X

This!

YWBU…..

Yet everyone in the vicinity acted with aggression, imo.

And so did you. However you seem to have caused it all, from not watching your child properly, to shouting back, to pushing multiple people out of the way. The common denominator is yourself.

As an aside, I wouldn't thank a certain poster as they are known for deliberately backing the person in the wrong just to create further arguments in a thread. That alone should give you a clue.

EDIT - consider this thread a wake up call and access some therapy for yourself,. You seem to be all over the place. Good luck.

Enjoy being a bad parent. Go with it. Say "Yes, I have a t-shirt that says so. I was thinking of having it tattooed on my forehead."

Whatever you do, there will always be someone ready to criticise your ability as a parent. Trust your judgement and don't let them get to you.

There are truly bad parents out there. They physically hurt their children; breaking limbs, burning them, using objects to hit them and leave scars. They emotionally abuse them through taunting or gaslighting. There are days when we probably are bad parents but we do the best we can.

Agree!

op, you don’t know what the young lady/rude person had to do to get to the park so your hardships are irrelevant. Life isn’t a competition on whose life is harder! I have a young child too before you shoot me down!

Op, I have no idea why you don't seem to be getting any support on this. I'm curious how many of these posters have 3 year olds at the moment! Even your mum saying you were all so well behaved - of course you had your moments too, it's just rose tinted glasses.
You make a valid point that if she had been on screens that's socially acceptable yet there is such a low tolerance for letting children be children, it's not as though she was being malicious! And you lifted her out of the situation - what else could you have done?
I also think your other points are actually relevant - random strangers need to consider that they don't know what's going on in people's lives before commenting. "Be kind" my backside.
Sounds like you're doing your best and love your daughter dearly so you're doing a better job than you think

Everyone who says your feelings about the traumatic birth and your experiences of single parenthood being irrelevant are technically correct. But what I am picking up is that you feel very insecure about your parenting skills and unsupported by your mum walking away after she allowed your daughter to return to the flowers. When your self esteem is low it is really easy for these things to burrow into your mind and take root. I would look for somewhere you can get some emotional support and build your confidence about being a mum. I'm not sure it's here - a lot of people have been unduly hard on you.

I’ve only read the first few comments on this thread but just wanted to say - please ignore all of the perfect parents (or, more likely, people who don’t have children themselves!). Having a three year old is tough and your daughter accidentally standing on a flower is hardly the crime of the century.

As for the interaction with the young couple - I think you have to decide to erase that experience from your memory and not allow it to occupy any more of your time. Their thoughts on your parenting are irrelevant, forget about it!

Hi OP, I sense that your mood is a little low and you've been feeling overwhelmed perhaps. So that's maybe why your trip to that park was such a big deal for you? Three year olds can be clumsy. Accidents happen. Even if they are generally lovely little beings. I doubt that the couple really needed to comment. They sound mean to me.. A three year old accidentally stood on a daffodil in a crowded park - so flipping what. I would suggest that if you have anxiety about going out, definitely avoid public crowds in future. Head to a baby group where you will find more compassion ( than a MN thread). And don't worry, your daughter will be completely uneffected by the incident. She is likely to forget in 24 hrs. Being a mum without support is hard - be kind to yourself.

I can't believe this thread! Looking after a 3 year old is bloody hard work! You try and go out and have nice times but it can be a lot of effort. I think it's nice you made the effort to take your daughter out in the first place.

I could imagine my son doing the same thing when he was 3. They are toddlers!! It's not like you were just sitting back letting her do it, you were dealing with the situation. 3 year olds don't fully understand yet and sometimes it can take telling twice etc. Or even try reasoning with a head strong 3 year old 😩 It's not the end of the world! It's a learning curve. The cheeky b*stards thinking they can pipe up and say something, whilst holding a can of beer in a public place full of children. Vile! They might have a 3 year old one day, see how they get on! Clearly very unhappy themselves to be so interested in other people's business.

You're a fab mum! Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. You've got this! Hopefully one day you will look back on this and laugh!

It's like an alternative universe of lunacy on here. People not only have access to keyboards, they're out there walking among us.

I wouldn't give that or the comments on here another thought. The parents were total dicks. Kids do things that need correcting or we miss a few things.

The 3 year old hardly stabbed someone for the love of god.

I have an autistic child who once screamed fuck you in a nutty meltdown in a confined space. I think I got battered round the head in public at that age I recall.

I have to just laugh. Hope that makes you feel better OP. 😆

The only problem you have is a confidence problem. Things get easier when they get older and you won't have to worry about this. You won't have to care either.

This subject pokes very many unhappy bears on MN and if you're in a vulnerable place, this is going to make you feel worse. 💐 Not another thought! The pie heads moaning to you over the incident are miserable about something - snd it's not really about a 3 year old trampling flowers.

Why would you apologise for a very young child accidentally standing on a flower? It wasn’t their garden. It was a tiny mistake which children often make. Not the OPs fault, Yet, there’s teenagers climbing on a war memorial in the background. There’s also probably other stuff going on far worse than this, maybe people dropping litter or cigarettes etc and 100% the couple wouldn’t say anything to them or even commented on the OPs situation if she was a man with her daughter.

The OP only stated her daughter’s age first, then the couple mentioned paying taxes. It’s nobody’s business to tell a parent off for a toddler accidentally standing on a flower.

Most on this forum have young children, young grandchildren or remember the days they had young children. Most would agree it’s not ok to let children stand in, pick or, in any way, destroy flowers planted to add pleasure to people’s lives. Similarly, in the wild, flowers should not be destroyed by children who don’t have boundaries. It being Mother’s day is irrelevant.

Your DD is a child and all children make mistakes, this is a part of how they learn. Also you’ve made a small mistake that seems to have been dramatised by the couple and your mum. You made a mistake like all humansdo because you’re human. I can think of much much bigger mistakes you could have made

The couple are probably pre kids, they likely have a steep learning curve around kids and how to kindly resolve situations.

In terms of advice, I would try and ignore and walk away from these situations.

Your DM seems to be part of the problem and possibly it might not have happened if she hadn’t been there.

It seemed like she encouraged you to override your instincts and then backed away and criticised rather than supported you.

I would be more upset about my DM, we know nothing about those strangers, as they know nothing about your situation or struggles.

Thank you for all the lovely comments 💐 I’ve spoken to my mum about it tonight, I think we both made some quick decisions under stress and the strangers and their alcohol and it’s all escalated. I’m going to put it behind me (feeling a lot better tonight) and going to try not to react so quickly to unwanted comments in future.

Well, the absolute worst of mumsnet is right here on this thread.

OP, your three year old ran off and did something very minor. There is no disrespect, no lack of supervision - these things just sometimes happen and they can move as quick as a flash.

Congratulations to all the parents on this thread who were able to fully control the actions of their three year old at all times. Hopefully you abandoned the straight jacket and leash when they got older 😂

Honestly stop wasting time dwelling on random’s opinions. Who cares. Focus on you and your daughter. Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job. Stop doubting yourself. Certainly don’t come here for validation or support from these mumsnet Karens 🙈

they’re flowers ffs🤷🏻‍♀️ nobody died or lost a limb. God forbid she’s grows up to be a serial flower killer 🙄

I'm also surprised by the lack of support. Most of us are doing our best as parents. Kids do annoying things and it's often exhausting trying to enjoy yourself/let them enjoy themselves while also not letting them destroy things or get hurt.

You did the right thing in the first instance by telling your daughter to get away from the flowers and your DM second guessed you before conveniently disappearing when her advice caused the situation. The taxpayers should've minded their own business. You were handling it and a couple of flowers accidentally getting trodden on is hardly end of the world.

I agree the obnoxious woman and her partner were rude and officious.

They shouldn't have had a go at you. The fact they pay taxes has nothing to do with the flowerbed in the park, and you don't owe them careful treatment of the flowers or any other part of the park by dint of their taxes. They don't own the park. What a pair of knobs.

Go back with your daughter and enjoy the park the next fine day you have. Don't let idiots like that intimidate you.

And pay no heed to the naysayers on this thread either. Some people like to stick the boot in just for the heck of it.

What a load of self indulgent twaddle.

You've echoed exactly what i was about to write.

Reading through some of the responses on here made me question humanity.

I'm glad at least one other person has the empathy to actually feel what OP was attempting to convey - and see through her eyes in a far wider context.

Let's not forget, We' re talking about a tiny 3 year old, who in her innocence was enchanted by the flowers. How wonderful. From what i gather, she stepped on ONE.

A far cry from say, a gang of youths deliberately trampling flowers for devilment!!