Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

It really isn't normal for a 3 year old to stomp on flowers

Absolutely this. @Stephaneey fails to supervise her child well, damages a public amenity, someone calls her on it & she descends into a spiral of irrelevant self indulgence and lashing out.

And then posts on here so we can all agree she did nothing wrong

As I've said multiple times, she wasn’t stomping on flowers.

I have photos of the so called damaged flowers. Ironically there’s a man’s foot in them at the same time 😂

I was actually looking for advice for anxiety in public from other mothers. If you read my post you would have noticed that question? I was giving a bit of background to why I felt that way. As I’ve said previously I posted in the wrong place. I’m not a person who regularly posts on the internet and I thought this was forum for ‘mums’ hence the name, it’s scary to think some of these people live amongst us 🤯

They were bullies - and so are a lot of the posters here (it's been getting worse recently, I think). Please try not to let it upset you OP, I think that they will remember this scenario with shame in future when dealing with their own children!

I also want to address this. This person has 4 children, so presumably a partner. If this had happened to you ( I know it wouldn’t become you’ve never made a mistake in your life) you would be able to discuss it with your partner which would probably make you feel better or helped you understand things. I don’t have this as I have no partner (and the other people I would have discussed this with passed away around the time I gave birth - you may see this as a ‘pity party’ I see this as hopefully making you understand not everyone has a support network) Unfortunately I won’t have the opportunity of any more children due to my age and not having a partner. A lot of people don’t have that opportunity due to many different reasons.

It’s a distressing situation, especially on top of the background struggles. But don’t overthink it, it’s just a stupid spat. These things happen when people are stressed on a day out and it isn’t a symptom of a bigger issue with your life or parenting. Put it out of your mind the best you can and move on.

This!

I hate when parents say things like "oh she's 3 years old, that is why she is stepping on flowers."
No, she is curious and testing her boundaries because she is 3 years old. She does it because you allow her! That is a huge difference.

You make a big deal about nothing. Next time, explain to your child not to do that, apologise to the stranger and admit it isn't the right thing, and stop using excuses that aren't relevant.

If you've already spotted the issue and are in the middle of fixing it, just ignore unsolicited commentary from strangers, or if you must, just give them a nod and a neutral "thanks". Engaging with them, and especially making excuses, distracts you from dealing with the issue and just eggs them on when there's no need for them to be involved in the first place.

Don't make a big deal of it to your daughter and she'll forget all about it soon enough; she's 3.

Is there a more general issue with your mother giving your daughter directions/permission that are at odds with what you're telling her? If so, get that cleared up. It may be tricky if your mother is also a caretaker for your daughter and is often on her own with her - but if not, make it clear she should let you parent.

They weren’t excuses as I’ve explained multiple times. I pulled her away (difficult with all the people crowding and why I didn’t really want to be in that spot anyway) as I was walking away they made the ‘disrespectful’ comment which I believe was a strange thing to say about a 3 year old, which I said to them.
I’ve had a few days to think about this and I believe everyone there played a part in escalating it. If I was a bystander I would have probably said ‘does the little one want to come over here to have a better view’ or something along those lines. Yet everyone in the vicinity acted with aggression, imo.

You didn't do anything wrong .
Child walks on to flower is not a reason at all for thinking you are a bad parent.
The reaction of the couple was very dramatic. And I think the fact atleast one of them was drinking alcohol in the park says alot about them.
I would fully ignore it all and not let it worry you.
Also your mum could have been more supportive

I think your response is what upset the lady. If you had said, 'I know, it's not right, and I will make sure it won't happen again' that would have been fine. The issue is with the response, 'Well, she's only 3 years old.' That’s a common excuse many parents use for their children's behavior, and it can be frustrating. Honestly, that answer would have made me angry too.

Yeah I can see where you’re coming from. I wish I just said something ‘silly’ and walked off 😂

I'm going to go against the general trend here and say that the other woman should have minded her own business! You had taken your daughter away from the flowers. You've just clarified that your daughter was NOT actually standing in amongst the flowers, she'd been playing in an area off mud next to the flower bed and had accidentally stepped on a flower when she turned around.
I note that the woman who was so rude to you didn't say whether she'd speak to the teens climbing on a war memorial (I don't think she would, as she might have been sworn at, or worse).
I wouldn't let it stop you taking your daughter to the park again.

Crikey. So you had to be a mother and be prepared; and that excuses your kid doing whatever she wants? Being a single mother has nothing to do with it! It doesn’t give you a pass for lazy parenting!I was a single mother for 12 years and wouldn’t allow my child to do whatever she wanted and playing flower beds that are for everyone to enjoy!

Bloody hell, some commenters on MN are just pointlessly brutal these days! I think some of the comments here verge on bullying.

Honestly OP, the park is not a smoking ruin because you took your eye off the ball for ten seconds and your tiny daughter trod on one plant. It'll recover.

Do you realise this is what every other parent does, you're not special? As for a 3 yo trampling flowers, it is disrespectful. That's how children learn from an early age, they are given boundaries and parents enforce them. In this case you failed to enforce the boundaries, whatever the excuse. Think you need to do more parenting, less pitying yourself.

Your child is 3, it's hardly the crime of the century.

You probably shouldn't have engaged the young couple, what did they expect you to say? Ignoring them would've drawn a line under it, but it's easier said than done in the moment.

Rest easy knowing one day when they have kids of their own they'll think back on what a pair of arseholes they were. Then stop worrying about it. Like the rest of us, you're doing your best and that's enough.

A standard strategy to try and get people on their side by manipulating emotions by following an anecdote where they may have been in the wrong with a string of heart-tugging but ultimately irrelevant to the anecdote stuff. A bit like a dangerous driver in court pleading to keep their license because their 96 year old disabled mother is dependent on him being able to drive.

I tend to think there was a bit of six of one and half a dozen of the other in the OP's anecdote. It was careless to allow the child to trample the flowers (twice) if that is what she did, but the other people seem to have gone over the top in their reaction. I'm all for calling out poor behaviour but there are good and bad ways of doing it, and doing it in an abusive manner risks put you in intensive care or a coffin. You don't know what any one stranger is capable of doing and we do live in times where there are enough scum in society that you have to take these things into account.

They were arsholes. Who comments on other people when out in public. Please try and ignore them. They mean nothing and they don’t deserve the space in your head.

You had it right in your title "A Stranger" someone who's morals and behavoiurs you know nothing about so can't say if they'd be fit to judge you.

And they saw only a moment of your life. They can say what they like. It doesn't make it true.

It's easier said than done but try and let it go. They don't have to approve of you and you don't have to care

Unbelievable lack of empathy here.