Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

This thread is fkg bizarre op.

Hopefully you've had enough perspectives and advice from the non nasty posters. Maybe take a break from it. It's very hard going with the goady posters.

The whole thing sounds really stressful, (and your mother is the shit cherry on the cake).

The couple was a pair of absolute dickheads.

The aggressive man was a type I've encountered in busy/cramped public situations too. They become enraged by the busyness/cramped-ness, and have an attitude of male entitlement to space/precedence and an aggression; that can set off your instinctive alarms.

(I remember feeling like I was almost going to be attacked by a man once because I dared to be in his way in a cramped food court. His look of aggression was truly scary. And a real "you're smaller, you're female, you should get the fuck out of my way" attitude.
If I'd had a child with me, I would have felt even more vulnerable).

It sounds stressful even without trying to look after an energetic, excitable, bored little child.

I would honestly stay clear of anything with crowds until they're much older. You think it'll be nice but it's a drag at best and stressful at worst.

I would also never do what your Mum did by walking off when you were being challenged and criticized by two strangers.

At the very least, I'd have said "it's not worth responding to them, they're twats, they haven't got a clue, come on, let's go (wherever)".

Thank you, I was going to switch my phone off at 4 😂 it’s weird as I’m normally really nervous about crowds and travelling but I was fine before this, maybe as I thought it was meant to be child friendly. Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it ☺️

You sound a very defensive person. Or you sound like someone who has experienced some horrid situations yourself and the OPs post really resonated with you, particularly looking at all your many replies on here (or you are sitting next to the OP and are her mate in which case good sticking up for her).

None of those factors mean that the other people were a "shit cherry...absolute dickheads...aggressive man". They might actually be perfectly reasonable normal people. They might even be on here, having started a thread about mothers who react aggressively if they get pulled up on their child's behaviour and that they always claim it's the fault of the other person/history/circumstance/teenagers on the war memorial rather than the fault of the parent.

I'd hate it to happen to me obviously but I wouldn't criticise the other people if my child had actually crushed the flowers. Sometimes you've just got to take it on the chin. It's not a big deal but good to nip in the bud (ahem) at an early age

The aggressive man was a type I've encountered in busy/cramped public situations too.

Nowhere does OP say he was aggressive though, he was making comments, to which OP 'saw red' and lost her temper.

I do think you may be slightly projecting your own experiences here to be honest.

I do think it was probably the whole stress of the situation OP, all the preparation and then it being busy, with lot's of people everywhere you turn, your DD running away from you and doing something she shouldn't really have been doing anyway which can be a bit embarrassing, and then people making comments just released all that pent up frustration, I think your mum was right to say not to argue back, especially as it ended up with that other unrelated man screaming at you, but it's easier said than done when you are caught up in the moment.

Next time, just try to ignore and walk away, people can be dicks, but people will also say things if they think it is appropriate, your response is the only thing you can control.

Nowhere does OP say he was aggressive though, he was making comments, to which OP 'saw red' and lost her temper.

Which man are you referring to?

as I thought it was meant to be child friendly.

I find councils and companies promote things as child friendly/family friendly etc. in order to try to get the biggest turn out they can.

In reality, events promoted as for families are often so busy and cramped that they are the opposite of good for families, especially for families with young children.

I remember the first Volvo Ocean race event in Galway being hugely promoted as being for everyone Inc families and the yachts (of course) featuring heavily.
In reality 300k plus people descended on Galway, long queues in shops, longer queues for toilets, long waits for food, it was very crowded and cramped everywhere.
The yachts were (understandably) in a cordoned off marina, viewable from only one side - along which there was a 5 person deep crowd constantly jostling to try to get near the front to look down on them.

The race was too far off the shore to see and the footage on big screens not great and not interesting for kids, especially young kids..

Belfast Tall ships festival, I found similar.

It just looked cramped and difficult for parents.

Organisers only want a big turn-out and plenty of spending, they don't give a fk about parents & kids and the realities of crowds and queues (and how stressed and potentially aggressive some people get in them).

Honestly I would stick to small, quiet things until dd's older.
They don't know any different either.

I do think you may be slightly projecting your own experiences here to be honest

Given that you haven't even grasped I was talking about a different man in the op's incident ....🙄

I was referring to the man who made the taxes comment.

I'm not sure the other guy would be described as 'aggressive' either to be honest, he was being pushed and was angry about it.

At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him.

The man who said I pushed him was someone standing on the other side. He was right in my face and his face was so full of hate.

Well neither was 'aggressive', that's your own spin on it.

One was making comments, the other was angry about being pushed by someone in the middle of a slanging match🙄

Hi OP, I've read a lot but not all of the replies. I have a 2.5yr old and an 18 month old so also have young children. I know the effort it takes to just get them in the car, etc. It sounds like this argument was the straw that broke the camels back for you on that day, I'm sure you imagined the perfect mothers day and it all started to go wrong which is why you lost your temper. A child standing on a flower is not really an issue is it- they were being twats even saying something to you, I certainly wouldn't have.
I understand you talking about your backstory, it sounds like you may be struggling a bit, do or did you have PND? I have a very short temper with PND and anything that doesn't go to plan makes me very upset/ angry and feel helpless.
I feel like you've had a very hard time on this thread and there's probably more to this for you. Happy belated Mother's Day.

I’m going to go against the grain here, 3 year olds will always try to pick or stomp through flower arrangements. It’s normal. Yes, the parents should step in and stop them from ruining the display but it isn’t something to get upset about.
I think they overreacted massively, and I think you’re taking it a tad too personally!

The people who were unhappy about your child possibly damaging flowers had no idea how long it took you to leave the house or what your childs birth was like so why would they take any of that into account
They saw a child in a flower bed and spoke to you about it
Sounds like a lot of drama over nothing and I suspect related to your anxiety rather than what anyone said to you.
Just try to forget it and move on

Thank you, I do get PMD, I’ve always had it but it’s been worse since giving birth. I do have a herbal remedy I take but I felt fine leaving the house and the date didn’t make feel too worried as it’s usually right before my period, it also has different symptoms every month. But I suppose the ‘seeing red’ was maybe part of that.

This thread is vile!

since when is it okay for a man to talk to a woman like this?! Not to mention a man who’s been drinking. How intimidating I’m not surprised you reacted like you did, I would have too.

as for the flowers the way you’re all going on it’s like Ops 3 year old has trampled someone’s Grandma

what single parent from time to time doesn’t need a Pat on the back, it’s human nature the most under appreciated are the lone parents. Your doing amazing Op don’t let this thread drag you down x

Thank you ❤️

Good god the melodrama. You weren't adequately supervising your child. She was making a nuisance of herself for the second time and for some reason you were far enough away from your 3 year old that you couldn't stop her doing it again?

At a busy event, you hold on to your kid. Not let them wander off out of reach, causing damage.

You also seem to think that looking after your own child, whom you chose to have, means everyone should be kind and make allowances for you?

With 4 of them, I used to pack a suitcase to get them out of the house. If it was such a massive chore, I wouldn't have had 3 more. Yes sometimes they're a pain and it's nice when people are nice to you but no one owes me anything for bringing up my own kids.

She didn’t wander off, I have explained it was crowded and I couldn’t grab her properly without knocking into people who were all quite hostile or without probably falling in myself trying to do it. I never ever let her wander off.

Neither did the young couple

I didn’t say they did, the post I replied to said I had assaulted someone? Maybe it’s been removed as I reported it.

This. Yabu.

They are clearly childless. I hope any kids they have gives them hell.

I don’t understand what you mean half all the time but you seem to love this thread.

They were stupid and probably childless. Your daughter is 3, let her see, smell and, heck, even step on the flowers, fgs! The worlds needs to get a grip and allow children to be children and parents to (gasp!) make mistakes.

On the other hand, your mum not having your back may have deeper implications in this story.

I feel for you and all you've been through. Please do not allow nasty comments, on the internet or in real life, to bring you down. Your child did nothing wrong. And, imo, there's far worse things to do than to not remove a child from a flower fast enough for self-righteous, tax-paying child-haters standards 😂

Happy Mother's Day 😊💐