Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

All the stuff about blood loss at birth up to what you packed for the outing does come across strangely as does not being able to stop thinking about how this affects your DD. Bottom line is it happened because she trod on flowers in a flowerbed. That’s the issue and why they said something. They weren’t very understanding but there’s a difference between encouraging kids to like nature and letting them trample flowers, as I’m sure you know when you’re less wound up. It’s stressful with little kids at an event and it didn’t go smooth, but try not to read so much into it or expect strangers to make allowances for things they can’t possibly know. It sounds like they and you were both being a bit much but it’s not helpful to string it out with your mother and stressing about your daughter. I’m sure she’ll be fine and forget about it, as hopefully you can too.

Best to just smile / laugh at people like this tbh I’ve had comments like this before and honestly it’s not worth the hassle arguing with them (even though it’s super tempting!!)

Does it make you Kofi Annan ?

Respect is earned. What have you done to earn respect from anyone?

Why should I respect you just because you have a child you wanted.

You've chosen to have a child and now you want everyone to revere you for that choice.

You've not done anything exceptional.

You let a 3 year old trample flowers twice. Have a word with yourself and your child about that.

I think that’s the thing, they don’t know my backstory so maybe shouldn’t have a go. I was taking her away and they had a go as I was leaving. As I said there were things going on nearby which I think was worse but they didn’t want to get involved as they weren’t small women? In my opinion

She was supervised really fucking ineffectually because she was still doing it. They means it is actually to do with your actions as a mother, as much as you think you should be excused. And your 'job' can't be that hard because you're not even bothering to do the basics.

I have a young DD and agree with the majority of posters, you shouldn’t allow her to trample in the flower beds. I’ve taught my daughter to respect flowers, she knows not to grab, stand on or pick them.

I also wouldn’t have lost my temper at the comment, this is what likely scared your DD. It would have been a better response to just remove yourselves from the situation.

It sounds like you’re have an enormous overreaction to someone pointing out that your DD shouldn’t have been allowed to tread on flowers in a flowerbed.

Actually all you guys are making me feel better about the whole thing!

But how is your backstory relevant to your child ruining flowers?

Do you think you’re allowed to do that because you gave birth & packed a bag for your own child? Because, newsflash, you’re not.

So you're immune to criticism from anyone forever because you may have a hard back story? Everyone has shit in their lives..EVERYONE!

You had to pack a bag of snacks and wipes and keep a kid who is old enough to understand the word no from trampling flowers. That's all you had to do.

Sounds like they were arseholes OP, you took care of it eventually.
Sadly no stranger is going to consider your back story so best to just ignore them and move away.

I’ve only had helpful comments on here before, it really is toxic 🤯

I have given birth twice and lost a lot of blood both times. Does that give me the right to shout at strangers?
You do sound as if the world owes you a living just because you are a mother.
Think about everyone you meet, they probably all have some form of mitigating back stories. Do you think you are more important than others? I hope not.

You do sound as if you think your back story makes you special when I imagine it is not uncommon

yes they were shitty I have a go but you should have removed her the first time and explained to her where you can and can’t walk and then ensured it didn’t happen again

Small kids frequently do things they’re not supposed to.

if they do it in public then yes, people will comment.

looking after small kids is hard and can be relentless. But you do have a responsibility to try to stop them damaging flowers.

for what it’s worth I had twins and there were lots of places I just didn’t take them between about 18 months and 5 years because with one adult and two toddlers it’s not possible to supervise enough.

People pointing out when you are in the wrong isn’t toxic. If you only wanted people to agree with you it may be best writing in a diary.

OP, you cannot use irrelevant self pity and being a single mum as an excuse to justify why it was okay for your daughter to trample in the flowerbed not once but twice.
Yes, the other person shouldn't have shouted but they were quite right to point out that it wasn't okay for you to let this happen...twice.

*Okay it’s apparently not a flowerbed but as she stood on a flower, your forensic defence falls down anyway. It does sound like you’re at the end of your rope for various reasons and overreacting to this situation and at your mum, who also thinks you shouldn’t have engaged let alone escalated things. If you need a break or some other help/support, try to get that sorted, but it’s not going to help you to get sympathy for your case here because you/your dd aren’t the terribly wronged party you’re dramatising it into.

I think it was just more the nature of the event, lot of travelling, waiting. Normally people take into account the kids are getting impatient etc, which she wasn’t. She was just playing. To me there was no need to have a go. I think I really confused people with talking about the struggles of motherhood. Not sure how that happened but hey ho

The vast majority of the people on this site are parents and understand the stress of going places with young children. However your behaviour was totally out of order.
You allowed your daughter to play in flowerbeds.
You let her kill at least one flower.
You "saw red" when someone asked you to stop your daughter causing damage and caused a scene, probably terrifying your daughter.
You laid your hands on someone pushing past them (assault).
Your mum probably walked away because she was so embarrassed by your behaviour. Your poor daughter was probably very frightened.
You then try and justify your behaviour by saying that you are a parent and parenting is hard?
To answer your question, no I have never experienced anything like your encounter yesterday because I would never have behaved the way you did.
Had one of my DC run off into a flowerbed they would have been picked up and removed from the situation. Then I would have explained to them that it was wrong to do that and hurt the flowers. No-one would have had the need to approach me about my child's behaviour because I would have already dealt with it.

If most of the replies are in agreement that you’re wrong maybe this isn’t an everyone problem but a you problem.

You wanted a child, that means you have to pack wipes when you go out, I have no idea at all why you felt that was relevant. I have two young children, I’m sure many of us do or remember what it’s like.

Being a single parent doesn’t give you a pass for antisocial behaviour, especially as your mum was there with you, neither do any other irrelevant details you’ve included.

I had an emergency section and then severe postnatal depression, I have to pack my kid a bag before we go out - does that mean I can give my 2yo can of spray paint and let him loose?

Those people were overly harsh, your DD absolutely shouldn’t have been on the flowerbeds, fair enough, but they sound weird. However, your reaction is completely bizarre and I think you’re conflating some other emotions you’re having with this event, perhaps some resentment at being a single mother and upset at how hard it is and how it probably feels like you can never do enough. Which is fair, because all that is hard.

That is really out of order. I didn’t assault anyone?!!

Noone should judge your parenting on a single snapshot in time when they have no idea of the other factors for the day!

I think the only thing you could have done differently was not to interact with them and descend into a shouting match.

She's three. Three year old don't listen and if you have one like mine go from good as gold to the devil incarnate in 1 second flat.

I clearly remember an incident with my DS7 (then 5) in a shop. He lost the plot over not being able to be brought something. Trying to run away, shouting at me, being a child I had never seen before. I picked him up and carried him to the car under very judgey eyes and lots of tutting. I felt awful. He was never like that normally. The only thing that made it better was one lovely lady came up to me and said everyone has those days, just breathe and start the day again.

Don't let it stop you doing anything in future

You mum was there, too. So two adults couldn't supervise one 3 year old. That really is inexcusable.