Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

saying none of the other children around them were trampling in the flower beds

Well children are all different. And different at different times and in different circumstances.

She's a foolish, ignorant and mouthy young woman to comment on that. Hopefully she'll learn when she has children and will cringe looking back at her comments (though more likely she's too silly to do that).

Bloody hell. Talk about kicking someone when they're down. There are some rude, rude people on here.

@Stephaneey I don't have any advice, but I also have a 3 year old and they have public meltdowns and tantrums and sometimes they're not very well behaved, so I completely understand your anxiety around the whole situation. You are NOT rude for answering back to that horrible woman. Holier than though people are just vile. Hope you're feeling better. X

I have a three year old.
If he’d been stamping on flowers, he’d have been moved away from them and not allowed back.

That’s life I’m afraid, i’m presuming you didn’t get their backstory about things that had happened years ago in their life and in preparing to go out! It doesn’t give you a free pass to mean anything after that should be excused 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good for you!! MN is full of some vile creatures. Well done for not allowing them to rile or upset you!

It is difficult being a single parent but it is not relevant to this situation. All parents have to spend time getting packed to take children out. Children of that age pick "flowers" - daisies, dandelions, daffodils etc. They also walk on mud and can stand on flowers by accident. It probably would have been better not to respond to comments by ponsy know it alls. Which is why your Mum probably walked away. Best to ignore these types and not dwell on it.

You forgot [despite a traumatic birth]

Which is why your Mum probably walked away.

I might speak to my DD afterwards about it being better to just ignore people like them, but I would never walk away and leave my DD to deal with two people criticising & verbally attacking her publicly on her own.

That's not the behaviour of a parent, or friend for that matter.

Oh and it was the mother who told the op the LO would be fine to be let go again and encouraged her "release", upon which she went into the flowerbed ..... So the mother even partly caused the situation! Then fucked off and left the op to deal with criticism about it.

No, the mother's behaviour was not ok.

but it is not relevant to this situation

The context was relevant to the op's upset avd frustration at being publicly criticised by a clueless, childless couple.

(One half of whom couldn't attend a public event with families on Mother's day in a park without a can of beer in his hand, and who happily watched youths potentially damaging a war memorial without feeling the need to make comments to them).

Yeah I think in those situations it gets so stressful. Like do I follow my mum, I’m upset by what these people have said, there’s a chance she’ll be huffed at me, do I stay there, but I’m by myself. I’ve been accused of being terrible so I’m thinking about the shame of that while also being quite annoyed. When I eventually got home I sobbed.

It was a very young, excited child tramping on a couple of flowers and her Mum not being fast enough to stop her.

Except it wasn't, and that would not have drawn such a comment anyway. She'd already been playing in the flower bed once, to which op removed her, then when she was in there playing again, OP didn't actually do anything until her mum said 'just grab her!' which is when the woman made the comment about playing in the flowers (and presumably trampling on them) being disrespectful.

OP, with a three year old, could have chose any course of action from there, she chose to escalate it by ARGUING that her daughter was only three (so didn't know any better I presume).. but I don't think the woman was bothered about a three year old doing what three year old do, she was bothered that OP was letting her do it, it escalated because OP took umbrage to the woman's comment 'how awful I found that woman’s comment' - we're not talking about the taxes comment there, because it wasn't the woman that said that.

Her mum decided to walk off because she thought OP was in the wrong for allowing the child's behaviour and she felt that OP was at fault for the confrontation because she chose to escalate it.. she was there and witnessed it, that in itself paints a picture to be honest.

She'd already been playing in the flower bed once, to which op removed her, then when she was in there playing again, OP didn't actually do anything until her mum said 'just grab her!'

That's not what I read from the op.

In any case it's not atypical and in no way significant behaviour for young kids and the parents trying to deal with them.

It was inappropriate of the young woman to mouth off about it.

Clueless.

She should turn her attention to youths, not 3 year olds.
But that might get her some real.shit back, eh. Better to have a go at the woman with a small child.

And maybe she should turn her attention to her bf with his can of beer in his hand in a park on mothering Sunday at a nice event.

But again, no - pick on an energetic 3 yr old child and her Mum.

Her mum decided to walk off because she thought OP was in the wrong for allowing the child's behaviour

Why did she encourage the op to let her DD go the second time then?!

It's the way I read it.

My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’

Yes, and as a fellow single parent I teach my young child about boundaries and I model good behaviour to them, including how I handle confrontation with strangers.

You sound very dramatic and ‘woe is me’ OP. Non of your backstory is relevant at all and it sounds like you are making excuses for your shortcomings and posting on here for validation.

I did that when they started making their comments, the bf admitted they had heard other people (my mum) and wanted to join in with the ‘pile on’ she wasn’t really stomping, as she was stepping round them but missed her footing (although yes she shouldn’t have been there)

I'm assuming because she was fine to go and look at the flowers (which is what the mum said), but OP then wasn't stopping her going in there and treading on them for some reason.

Maybe her mum assumed OP would let her look, but would automatically do something about it if she started treading on flowers, but she didn't so her mum had to tell her to grab her.

It seemed like the first time caught them off guard, but the second time OP let her do it? and that's when the woman said something.

she felt that OP was at fault for the confrontation because she chose to escalate it.

She didn't choose to escalate it - she responded.

Most people would

I would never walk off and leave my DD on her own (with a small child on the scene) dealing with two people challenging & criticising her, no matter what.

(One of whom could have been drunk because who knows how many cans he'd had).

Op's mother is a poor parent and grandparent.

Did they smell of weed, op?

They sound like they had something affecting their filter/behaviour.

(And it sounds like your mother emboldened them. By the sounds of it, your mother and her behaviour is something I'd be considering carefully, perhaps through counselling).

Maybe OP's mother has had a lifetime of being embarrassed by her daughter's outbursts? Maybe she'd had enough?

Equally maybe she hasn't and is just a bitch.

(And that wasn't an outburst, that was a natural response to two stupid, mouthy, clueless, judgemental, self righteous ("I pay taxes" lol) young people who need to learn to shut the fuck up).

Thank you so much for your support @StrawberryDream24 I guess the other person is right. There were huge crowds of people, my daughter was sitting a bit fed up in her pram, there was a small gap in the crowd and my daughter spotted some flowers. I took her over, she went in front (having a child like view of seeing something pretty) and I had to nearly crawl on the floor to get past the crowds without getting in the way. There was a gap between two people and my daughter stood in the mud. She then ran away from me and I grabbed her trying to avoid the standing people. I said let’s go to see grandma. When we got back my mum asked what was wrong and I just said I brought her back to see you. She sort of implied she was fine to look at the flowers, but I don’t think she’d seen her in the mud. When we went back she got a bit further away and that’s when my mum shouted (she must have not been looking the first time?) she said she came up to me. I grabbed my daughter and said yeah, I’m sorting it. As I noticed that Although she was stepping round the flowers she had tripped and fallen back on maybe 2 flowers (when you do that trippy thing) As she was on the grass the woman on the other side made the disrespectful comments. All I replied was the 3 year old comment and that’s when the bf starts saying about talking to me not her and the taxes. I’m sure I quite polite at that point but felt like I’d been slapped. When the taxes started getting brought up I felt that was quite personal. Then my mum said don’t argue and said I’m off. The man who said I pushed him was someone standing on the other side. He was right in my face and his face was so full of hate. Every time I turned people would stand in front of me. It was very strange.

I was a single parent and, while has it's downside, married parents have to negotiate and reach compromises on their child-rearing which is an art in itself, not to mention parents who are in abusive relationships. Everyone has a backstory and teaching a child not to mistreat beautiful things is one of the pleasures of being a mother

I know people can but just wouldn't assume that from this post. Newish.