DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

I was told repeatedly that my DD was absolutely fine when I’d left.

But later on after she’d left that school, I put in a request for her her data. When I received it, I found a copy of the paperwork that the teacher had filled in when I arranged a private ADHD assessment.

In that paperwork, the teacher had put that my DD was often “beside herself” with tears, and had to be sent to sit in the corridor to “self regulate” when inconsolable. They’d also noted that she had issues with supply teachers, so much so that they were sending her to sit in another room whenever they had one come in (with an iPad and another child for company!)

To this day, I still cannot figure out the motivation behind keeping this from me, and telling me that she was fine once I’d gone, after she’d been hanging onto me at the classroom door and begging me not to leave. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve heard similar stories. The teacher did fail to notice that she was copying other children though, even during tests, and was later assessed as working several years behind in some areas where I’d been told, repeatedly, that she was above standard (when I queried her progress, based on work I’d seen at home).

Can I just ask - what if she's not safe? The school have admitted they use her to regulate other children's behaviour.

I get that schools are underfunded, understaffed etc and I understand this is hard and they're doing their best. However, they are also - as a result - unsafe quite specifically for children who 'behave well' and are used to help manage the more challenging behaviour of others. Because they're not loud and disruptive and because they don't speak up about their needs, they are often overlooked and sitting there with growing anxiety and emotional harm which will probably manifest in later life in more extreme ways.

Because there are attendance targets and the government is obsessed about keeping kids in underfunded schools, there is an incentive for teachers to say of quiet, well behaved children 'they're fine' and tell them to 'ignore it' teaching them that the adults do not have their back. Even when really, they're not fine.

Listen to your child OP. YOU are the only one that cares just about HER alone and not about balancing her needs with the very many other louder less well behaved children.

Try and get her to explain what it is about school that makes her not want to go there in the morning. Maybe whilst doing something else whilst colouring so it's more relaxed.

Parents HAVE to be their child's advocate. It is NOT ok to use CHILDREN to meet the needs of other children, that is what the adults are paid to do.

Oh we had this to OP. School insisted all was fine but my child cried every morning. We found out they were autistic in the end and school just brushed it under the carpet.

@Ginnyweasleyswand I'm just going off what the OP said that she was fine the rest of the day, came out happy. If she was distressed during the day and coming out that'd be different.

Of course they are coming out happy. They're no longer in a harmful place and are back in safety.

And as for 'fine' read the dozen's of posts upthread which demonstrate that fine doesn't mean anything other than 'not a problem for the school'. In other words no behavioural issues.

Where does this end? Some children aren't fine and some children don't want to leave parent and then are. As a parent you use your own judgement just like teachers do.

When I was at school there was less focus on children's mental health, if child was happy. Now though it's gone so far the other way. Children crying first thing who are settled and fine after they've come in but parents determined to uncover the real reason when it isn't anything more than they're upset in the moment.

This needs to be distinguished between children who genuinely feel unsafe at school and are still unhappy.

I don't disagree. A child crying is not a child kicking and screaming because they don't want to go in.

If a child is demonstrating a reluctance to go in then parents owe their child a duty to investigate the reasons for this.

For some it will be minor. For others it will be huge.

Those of us who have been through this where it has been more than minor are saying that we can't rely on school's use of the word 'fine'.

Parent's are responsible for the mental and physical wellbeing of our children.

I've had a child who kicked and screamed that turned into running out of school and then suicide attempts. I wish I hadn't taken the school's word for it on fine. If I'd investigated further he might not have been unable to engage at all in education for several years due to trauma.

Unless the Mum is there to observe all day, then all she has is the word of adults who are probably very busy and not paying enough attention and there are plenty of examples here of children who absolutely weren't fine when school said they were.

She only has the word of people who a) probably aren't really paying attention to her DD if she's behaving well and b) have a vested interest in saying nothing's wrong (attendance targets, a child who can be used to help manage other children's behaviour - which they've admitted, and less work for them).

Well behaved children do what adults say and may appear 'fine' even if deeply unhappy. OP needs to try and find out if 'fine' really is 'fine' or if 'fine' is 'this is what the adults tell me to do and I feel I have no choice but really I'm miserable'.

A child who is miserable in school is VERY happy when they come out, of course!

Trust your instincts OP, you know your child better than school staff. If she doesn't seem 'fine' to you she likely isn't. Not your definition of 'fine' which is happy and feels safe. As I say, 'fine' to school staff can just mean 'not making a fuss'.

There is no way they're focusing on her as much as you do. In fact they've already admitted they use her to help manage other children. The focus there is very much on the other children, not your DD.

so many people on here have no clue what transition anxiety is.

She may well be fine once in school. But a child with transition anxiety struggles with moving from one space to another, from one activity to another.
I posted up thread that is it like having to jump from one cliff to another over a deep chasm. The other side of the chasm may be safe, and you may know that yesterday you jumped it fine, but still every day you are faced with that jump.

I have a child who is like this. Every change was like this. Going to someone's house to play, go to a birthday party, etc etc. Once we realised we put in things to help them make that transition. She was diagnosed autistic aged 16. This was one of the early indicators.

My dd is very clever, articulate and chatty. She also had not a clue how to express or describe this anxiety until she was late teens. Even then she doesn't always recognise that this is what she is feeling, and sometimes I have to say - this a new thing, this is transition.

There may be more going on in school. But there may not. That does not diminish the anxiety she feels just to walk in to school.
And for those saying be firm. That didn't help at all. Sometimes dd's anxiety started before we left home and we would have a meltdown over shoes and socks. No amount of being firm helped. I am a no nonsense type of parent, a 'get your socks on we are going' type of parent.
But I had to learn to change. She didn't need firm. She needed me to stop. To sit on the floor and fold her in my arms and give her a firm long hug. To calm and reassure.
At school what she needed (and didn't get) was simply for me to walk her in to the cloakroom so she could see the classroom.

Those of you saying be firm or ask her to explain haven't got a clue.

Being firm does help with my DD. So surely it depends on the child?

I had problems with DD this morning actually. She started out with complaining about tummy ache and then a headache. After half an hour of talking it actually came out that she is bullied by some boys in her class.

What we ended up doing was sending a message to the teacher about the bullying. I know if I end up letting her stay at home the underlying problem does not go away and DD will escalate her school avoiding behaviour. We have been there to the point she was physically making herself vomit as proof that she should stay at home.

Being firm does not mean a lack of support.

There is a major difference here though. Your child is articulating the issue and you can solve it.

In many cases the child can't or won't verbalise what the problem is so being 'firm' doesn't solve anything.

She can now, she also has a lot of worries she can not articulate.

She has a lot of support, various therapies, afterschool programmes, specialised educational psychologist etc.

I still maintain that being firm is not bad for every single child with these issues. Occasionally I have messaged teacher to say that we will be late because she has a meltdown. But at the end of the day she still goes in.

I was going to say exactly this, yes.

Yes to this

Just wanted to say well done to the OP for addressing this problem. I'm in secondary school and we see children still doing this and then becoming school avoiders.
There may be a number of reasons for this behaviour so its obviously the right thing to do to explore them.
I work in SEND and transitions can be another barrier that some children have to overcome. Last week I observed a GCSE class with no less than 5 SEND students who have had to overcome huge anxiety to do with crowds at school and starting and ending the school day. They and their peers were on task working hard and helping each other. I said to the teacher this class could be filmed to show the world how wonderful these students are. Not that you could see the barriers they have overcome of course!
Good luck to you and your child OP.

Wanted to come back to give an update - and also to say thank you to everyone who took the time to send a nice, supportive message. Wish I had the time to reply to you all individually!

So obviously I had a big chat with DD last night to see if there was anything happening. She’s always had a little wobble going in so I’ve asked her in the past and she’s always said there’s been nothing going on. After yesterday I said to her we need to have a big girl chat to find out if there’s anything she thinks may be making her worried without her realising. I asked her about the seating situation about if that worries her at all and it turns out you were all right in the way that the little boy she is sat next to will pull her hairs out one by one at times but she didn’t want to say anything as she didn’t want to get him in trouble, literally made me feel so bad that I didn’t even think to ask about this. Another seating issue is that she is so close with her best friend but when she’s sat behind her on the carpet, apparently her friend keeps turning around and whispering to her to stop copying her when DD has said she isn’t - DD gets very worried about breaking any rules so this would probably make her really anxious, but again didn’t want to say as she thought her friend may of find out she said something. And another situation is her surname is at the top of the alphabetical ordered lunch list, which means she has to head into the lunch hall first and she often has to stand right behind the children in the older years which worries her too.

So I think there’s been a collection of situations going on that have definitely contributed to how she’s feeling. She did also say though that she really hates leaving me (which makes sense as she has always been tearful, even in preschool). But I reassured her that I will get these other situations sorted discretely so at least that is something to not have to worry about. This morning it was still a bad drop off however as the same teacher had to hold her back with her crying mummy. I am not able to speak to her actual teacher in the morning as we have to drop them at the gate, but as soon as I was out the playground I went to the school office and asked someone to ring me so I could discuss what was going on and arrange a meeting, which they did do this morning. They did say they would try and resolve the situations first to see if that helps and if it doesn’t then they will arrange a meeting. So hopefully by the end of next week there will have been positive steps made! But thank you again so much everyone, all your messages have been so helpful. If things continue to get worse then I will definitely look into other possibilities with what could be going on.

p.s no she doesn’t eat chicken nuggets, she has a home cooked meal every night bar Fridays where we do have a pizza night (I’m awful I know!!) and no she doesn’t have a phone or an iPad - most technology thing she has is a Tonie box!!

Thank you for taking the trouble to update us all, and I think that your posts and thread are educational for all parents - something for us all to think about. It all sounds very optimistic for the future and your daughter is very lucky to have such a competent caring mummy.

Who was blaming this on eating chicken nuggets FFS? 😂

I agree being firm with my DS does help as well - he would literally never do anything without us being firm. It's a balance between being firm and supportive at the same time. Sometimes when you are anxious you need a push to get over it.
However I am confident that he is actually happy and enjoying school once there and that it is a supportive environment.

I was but please rest assured I was being facetious (in response to someone blaming overreliance on technology), apologies if this wasn’t clear @Elaine400 !

@Elaine400 hopefully you can make some progress.
One thing I would say is to look more globally. The issue is less that the boy is pulling her hair and the friend saying she's copying and more that these things are internalised and she's fearful of speaking up. In a few months these could be resolved and then something else niggly crops up that she doesn't like but can't speak up and she doesn't want to go back.
Being able to advocate needs is something we are trying to work on with my daughter too. We are having issues with her not asking to use the toilet which is the main issue right now but she has issues with other children not recognising personal boundaries but can't speak to staff so we are wanting to work on teacher and TAs being safe people to talk to.

I was the same in school even when much older. I was in a history class in year 9 so 14 and got told off for rocking on my chair but couldn't bring myself to say I wasn't the boy behind me was kicking my chair which kept causing it to tip up.

No! Apologies on my behalf for not understanding!! I think I was rushing through reading all the messages so fast that the joke went over my head! 🤦🏼‍♀️

And this is a really good point to think about. Thank you @Superscientist as you are completely right! I was like this too when I was younger (still am now at points!). I definitely think she gets traits from me which I feel guilty about.

I agree that the wider issue is that multiple issues are causing your DD extreme anxiety but she is unable or unwilling to either advocate for herself (eg saying 'stop it' to the boy or saying 'miss, X keeps pulling my hair/hurting me') or ask for help.

DS2 is autistic and it is well known that social communication disorders result in issues recognising the need for or asking for help and communication with peers even when they are doing things you don't like. Express teaching of social skills is required on an ongoing basis.

Otherwise you can easily find yourself in an uncomfortable relationship with the school where you are playing whack a mole as new stressors arise. Teachers may feel defensive that they didn't notice or challenged if you repeatedly have to let them know what the latest issue is and so believe that DD needs to be more resilient (without teaching social skills) so she is the problem or that you are the problem because you 'pander' to her.

For some reason teaching staff find it difficult to comprehend unless the child vocally objects to behaviour - I was told that the TA supporting DS2 in the playground didn't intervene when other boys were putting soil down my son's trousers/underpants because 'he didn't seem to mind'. He minded very much but couldn't articulate it.