DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

Lovely compassionate stuff; yes, just try and be a
robot in an incredibly stressful and worrying situation OP 👍

We had this with DD2 in year 2. She was allowed to take a friend straight to a separate room when she got into school and then would join the rest of the class after a five-minute timer. This did work well as it meant she didn’t have to line up with the rest of class, anticipating the coming day. Then lockdown happened and the enforced break actually helped. She is very scared of people being sick and looking back on it now she says that was the main thing worrying her, although sadly despite lots of support and encouragement she wasn’t able to articulate that at the time. She does say that she was fine once she went in though.

School avoidance is often an indication of unmet neurodiverse needs. There are lots of reasons for this but dwindling pastoral and TA support in recent years, alongside an increased focus on behaviour that is positive in many ways but often doesn’t make adequate accommodations for someone who eg struggles to sit still or make eye contact, certainly haven’t helped matters. My DD has since been diagnosed with autism and we had a second episode in year 7 and ultimately had to move her to an online school. I’m not saying this is true of your daughter, and really hope things improve for her quickly, but it is worth having this at the back of your mind.

Yes, I agree it definitely needs looking into. It can sometimes be a sign of SEN. It wasn’t with the particular little boy I was mentioning in my previous post but I have known children with SEN who have had issues with transition too.

it sounds like you had a terrible time. They sound a horrible school to have laughed at you when you said you were getting your son assessed. I’m sorry you went through that.

I think school need to work closely with parents to support transition time- maybe starting later than the other children, different drop off point etc. lots of schools do nurture groups, Lego therapy, ELSA etc which might also be useful for OPs daughter to get to the root of the issue

Your daughter loves school she seems to enjoy it a lot. Have you considered that she’s screaming and crying mummy? Because she’s worried about you and the way you are when you’re not with her. You have to put her first and be very cool on parting she is fine. You are not.

I had this sometimes with my ds. It was worse when he was tired. It did get better I think around year 2. He always found transitions hard. I don't honestly know what helped in the end. We tried talking up front about what happens at drop off, controlling my body language etc so he wouldn't feel my nerves, speaking to school, switching which parent dropped off etc. I think he just got older and figured out how to calm himself.

I was sure he liked school though as he came out full of enthusiasm.

Oh this reminds me of my daughter when she was this age, she was like it for about three years, foundation to year 2 ish.

She was so stressed, teachers and others parents helped, one even drive her to school to help but had to peel her off the bannisters at home. We tried arriving earlier, arriving later, me staying, me going, being given teacher tasks such as handing out books etc ( that was the biggest help)

She was always ok after being at school for about 15 minutes. She now doesn’t remember at all and ironically is a primary school teacher herself now!

Your DS’s story is strikingly similar to my DD’s. I was also told she was “absolutely fine” when I left her. And that she wasn’t autistic and I shouldn’t be asking for assessments… I still feel unbelievably guilty when I think of all the mornings I walked away and how little I understood of the world was really like for her once she walked through the door and gave up and started to mask for the day 🥹

Luckily DD has very much forgiven me! And is actually back in school now and that was her choice - but was out of school at home receiving mental health support for over two years while the whole world fell apart and we all tried to pick up the pieces.

I’ve seen some parents struggling at drop offs since, with young DC trying to hold on to them, and it’s so painful even to witness that from the outside, based on what I now know.

(Oh, and it turned out that she is definitely autistic, despite all the “ fine when she is here/well behaved/academically capable” reasons the primary SENCO felt were proof that she couldn’t possibly be 🙈)

Hmm, parent blaming starts here it seems.

Taking 10 minutes to remove a very small child’s hand from your own shows a slight unwillingness on your part. as a teacher I visualise myself watching that from inside screaming

work with the school they’ve seen it all before

Absolutely tell the school to stop putting her next to the disruptive ones!

Understandably that might be a source of pride and comfort for you, but it's misplaced.

She's probably been made to feel it's a responsibility. It's a huge burden, plus their behaviour might be frightening her.

Are they boys?

It isn't a little girl's job to manage others' behaviour.

Have a little word with your headteacher about using some CPD time for everyone’s understanding of autism to be updated. In the meantime, there are some excellent resources on this website.

Again, not saying this is what’s going on with OP’s child but as a parent of an autistic child who like many, has had her own experiences of EBSA, I am inwardly screaming at this parent-blaming attitude from a teacher.

I was like this as a child 🙈 It was the having to say goodbye to my mum and I would get anxious about who would look after me if I needed anything at school. I was always fine when I got in.

Maybe you could speak to the school about your daughter getting a "buddy" from year 6? Someone who will meet you at the gate, someone who is special and there just for her. They do this at my daughter's school for the reception kids and the year 6s love it as do the receptions. Or maybe try dropping her off at a location that's special for her - the school office maybe so she can get to her desk before everyone else arrives.

I still remember those mornings as a child and how desperately upset I felt at my mum leaving. I also hated things like residentials and sleep overs.

DS was like this on starting starting school. Literally had to be carried in kicking and screaming. The thing that finally made a difference was when the school suggested that he came in five minutes earlier before the other children, through the office rather than the main gate, and the teaching assistant (who he loved) met him there and walked him in. This made things better quite quickly, and we then switched to the TA meeting him at the gate with the other children, and by half term he was happily going into school 'normally'.

Not saying this exact approach will work for your DD but I think for DS it was definitely about the transition, and changing the way in which that happened seemed to make it easier for him. I have to say the school were great throughout all of this, which was also very helpful!

It doesn't sound like she's actually unhappy at school, just doesn't like drop off. I'd try speed it up as much as you can - ten minutes of talking, bargaining etc will only make it worse. Super bright and cheery and get it done as quickly as possible. Maybe speak to the teacher and ask them to help you with this (as it can be difficult to persuade them to be quick alone!).

My dd is in year 3 and has always been like this. I know she is totally happy in school because she comes out fine and has loads of friends, I also know she doesn’t particularly love some aspects (like maths!) so given the opportunity she would stay home. Anyway after a particularly bad morning the teacher set up a reward system where if she goes in well (she’s allowed to be upset, just not fight me/teachers about it) she gets special time on a Friday to watch a movie or go to the sensory room. Seems to be working well 👍🏼 we still have wobbly days, I think we always will but this has definitely helped.

I would strongly push for her to be seated next to a friend for at least the next few months so going to school is seen as a really positive experience. She should not be responsible for making others behave well. She has done her turn, time to focus on her needs in school.

I also wonder whether there is a year 6 student who might like some responsibility who could meet her just outside the gate and bring her into the playground. Mine all enjoyed having a year 6 buddy and also enjoyed being buddies to other children. Sometimes having another child there can be less stressful than a teacher.

One of mine was like an octopus at times, no sooner had one hand been peeled off another one would attach. She is now hundreds of miles away at university so things will change.

No offence but it’s the last of my concerns if the teacher is screaming on the inside. My concern at that moment in time is my daughter and the last thing I want is her thinking I’m walking away without thinking of her at all. She’s 6 years old and struggles with her emotions so what good is it going to do to let her think I’m not bothered by her being upset?

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. I don’t have time to reply to them all right now but I have read every one of them and taken them all on board 🤞🏼

Your daughter's body is telling her that she doesn't feel safe. And she is telling you that she doesn't feel safe. You need to listen to your daughter. In that situation I would have just taken he home. The advice is often to tell your child to ignore their feelings and mask all day but who is that actually helping? Not her. When I say she feels unsafe I don't mean that there is actual danger at school but that is how her nervous system is reacting and you should take it seriously. Some people's nervous systems are wired differently.

Ds could be like this if he arrived after lots of other kids, if he was one of tge first he was fine

I don't think PP meant she'd be screaming on the inside from her own perspective, but because it's not the best for your DC given she settles well when she's in. Handing her off with a big smile doesn't tell your DD that you're not bothered about her, it tells her that you know school is a safe place for her to be and you're not worried about her going in. I think that's really important for her to know - yay school and all that.

You can of course fall apart once you're out of sight! It's not easy.

Our boy was like this, we were just tough with him for a few days. Then he stopped making a fuss.
No lasting problems.

That’s a disgrace that they’re sitting her next to the disruptive kids so she’ll be a good influence on them. This is absolutely not her responsibility. Like PP said, they’re treating her like an unpaid TA. They’re not addressing her needs. Talk to them and say she needs to sit with a friend until this all blows over.

My DD went through a spell of this, and it didn’t last very long. She was fine after the first few minutes and enjoyed the day. It’s important that she keeps going in and you don’t give into the pleas and take her home again. It’s harsh, but she needs to know that that is the routine now.

And talk to her after school about why she does it, try to find a solution together.

My older dd was always delighted to head in but younger ds was very distressed every morning and had to be peeled off me which was an upsetting start to the day for both of us.

It turned out he was very short-sighted - once under the care of the opthamologist and with new gigs he settled in very happily.

Very grateful eye exam picked up on it in reception!

they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’

I agree with PP - this needs to stop, whether or not it's connected to the drop off problem. It's the job of the teacher and TAs to manage behaviour, not the children.

And it's almost always girls being used to manage disruptive boys - a sexist practice that teaches girls to put their own needs behind those of boys, and teaches boys that girls are responsible for what they do (first rule of misogy).

How much distress does she have to show to be “too much”? She will keep escalating until she feels heard and in the process will experience and normalise ever increasing levels of distress. She isn’t coping with the moment of you leaving. Given she’s been escalating for some time I would remove the “drop off” moment from her life for the rest of term and try again in the summer. Her Dad should step up and drop off for you but if he won’t you need to find someone else to do drop offs for a bit.