DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

Is she fine when you pick her up and come home, and for the rest of the evening?

Do you ever notice her struggling with transitions at home (having to leave the house, go to bed, etc)? Or struggling with anxiety in other ways?

Dd2 was like this for me but not her dad. She’d rather stay home. She’s now 13 and fine with school but year one was like you describe. We sat and had a talk but ended up having to be firm.

I have only experienced this with one of my DC, and the problem didn’t get better. I was told later, by CAMHS, that their advice is not to force a child into school in that state as it causes trauma. If I could turn back the clock I would. Does your DD behave like this anywhere else? Going to a club, a friends for a sleepover etc?

If not, then the problem is at school, it isn’t separation anxiety generally, and she needs your support to figure out what is going on.

I wonder if being sat next to the children who struggle to concentrate is extremely stressful and exhausting for her? It infuriates me when teachers do that. Back in the day (admittedly many decades ago when we sat in rows facing the teacher) some of the more disruptive children sat in the front row, not next to anyone and it worked well.

It is so damaging to take her in like this. Trust me I know.

Schools love to say children are 'fine' when they are in but there is clearly something amis. If she was kicking and screaming because she didn't want to go home then school would (rightly) alert Social Services.

I would arrange a meeting with the SENCO. As a first I would ask for her to be removed from the disruptive children. If the reaction to going continues then I would ask for her to be observed by an educational psychologist as there is something causing this.

Bursting into tears in front of her won't help her separation anxiety, I'm afraid. You are going to have to be matter of fact. Don't turn round to look at her once the teacher has her.
Can she go earlier or later? Would that help? Have you asked her teacher for advice? They will have encountered this before. You could give her something small to hold and she can squeeze it when she misses you.

Agree with this! Teachers need to be focusing on HER needs and making school the most enjoyable possible experience for her. I would discuss this with them OP and see if they can somehow make that moment of going in nicer for her, eg could they give her a special job to do first thing?

I agree with this. The child isn’t there as an unpaid TA! School used to do that with my eldest and I told them to stop doing it.

DS did this until he started junior school (which was a different school).

We found a little bit of improvement by encouraging him to go in with a friend. He also didn't do it if someone other than me took him in (is that the case for you?).

The approach we ended up with was brisk goodbye, handover to TA, walk away quickly.

It never got any easier in the heart breaking terms :( but just wanted to let you know that this isn't unusual.

Walking to and being in school don’t seem to be a problem. Could your DD’s father take her in? Can you ask another school mum to drop her into school in the morning and you pick up both children in the afternoon?

This.
Perhaos someone else would be better doing the school run for now. And if you have to do it, way less communication, bargaining and bartering with her. Drop off, hug see you later and leave.

Have you tried giving her a choice of where you walk her to?
She might feel more in control if you walk her to her desk, or the place where her friend sits or to a certain playground etc. Give her the choice of where to say goodbye.

Have you tried having her drive with a little friend from your home to school or riding in her friend's car?

Have you tried her riding her bike to school and having to concentrate on parking it?

Have you had her dropped off by her Dad?

Have you tried getting there early and you playing and talking for a lot longer, and the teacher involving her in setting up the classroom etc?

Bless you OP, it’s so hard, my DS1 was like this, no amount of reassuring him helped, I would point at the clock and tell him what time I would be back, the teacher would have to distract him so I could leave, he would chase me out in the corridor, I absolutely hated it and found it really upsetting too. He did grow out of it in time.

See a therapist .
maybe through school .
she sounds like either there is a big issue with school or some sort of attachment worries.

either way this must be deeply distressing for you both and needs support to identify what’s happening and how to support her.

she has been in school for 40 full weeks at least, and if it has been like this for much of that time you need help.

It sounds like she struggles to cope with the transition - letting go of you and going into school is the hurdle, once over she is fine.

Does anyone else take her to school
and is she the same with them? Can someone else like Dad or a grandparent take her one day and see how that goes.

I remember there were 2 girls who did this in my DC’s reception year. One had terrible transition problems and sobbed her heart out in the playground every morning. She was late summer born, an only child and her mum said she felt she was too young for school and she (mum) wanted to keep her with her at home. It felt like some of that feeling was transferring to her DD. I helped out in class occasionally and saw her DD being perfectly happy and absorbed with her classroom and tasks and friends on those occasions. She cried every day for Reception year but from year 1 was fine.

the other girl tbh I think saw the first girl’s reaction and took her cue from that. She was also perfectly happy and confident in school. In the end after a term of loud crying every morning her parents took a firm line coupled with a reward chart and she was incentivised enough by that to break the habit.

I’d also ask the teacher to move her next to her friend, away from those who struggle to concentrate. Friendship will be very important to her.

There’s not always something amiss. Some children just really struggle with transitions. That’s why they’re totally fine once they’ve got into school.

I taught a little boy like this in year 1. Had to be peeled off his mum at drop off time. By the time he’d hung his coat up and sat on the carpet he was full of smiles and was happy all day. I used to send his mum a couple of photos so she could see his was ok as she worried so much.

i would speak to the school about how to improve transition time. It needs to be short and not drawn out. Speak to the senco about how they can support your daughter with this but be aware it might take some time to improve

Agree with this. How ridiculous they use her (or any kid) as a calming tool for other kids

THIS! Unless she finds other transitions very hard then the root of the problem is in school.

my daughter had bad separation anxiety. It wasn’t just at school.
it wasn’t just at nursery.
it was if I left the room. If I went for a wee.

and her nursery was super understanding and really really supported her with kindness and consistency,
shes In school now and goes in happily.
but still struggles if I leave her at home (with her dad or gran etc )
and still has school wobbles when she is very tired.

This sounds tough op

I wonder what’s going on for her, it’s a strong response

Yes it might just be that it is that she is struggling with transition, but that's often a sign of SEN in it's own right.

I took my child in like this and was told he was 'fine' by school and he ended up having a complete mental health breakdown and was suicidal (jumping out of windows and moving cars) by the age of 10.

He was undiagnosed autistic. Masked so well that school laughed at me when I said that I was going to have him assessed.

He didn't make it back to school ever (until 6th form) due to the trauma that all of this caused.

I maintain that if a child went home kicking and screaming we would investigate. If a child does this going to school we owe them the same.

It could be that she finds the child she sits next to stressful but can't express that.

One technique a friend used in similar circumstances was to draw a little heart on the child's and adult's wrists and tell the child they would be connected through the day via the hearts. It seemed to help.

Have you tried drawing hearts on your both. Tell her to press the heart when she is missing you so you're both connected through the day. Also try resding the book the invisible string.

Thank you everyone for your replies!

@TonysPony She is absolutely fine and seems completely unfazed when I pick her up, and for the rest of the evening! Never voiced any concerns except at drop off.

@Jellycats4life she does occasionally get upset if I go to do anything without her (e.g. catch up with some friends whilst she stays with DP!) and she can be quite anxious in other ways, for example she gets scared going upstairs on her own, but then I remember being like that when I was little!

@endofthelinefinally I feel so guilty for never considering this. You’re completely right, she’s never voiced concern over it but I could imagine it taking a toll!

I’m definitely going to speak to the school and see what they say. Because I know most people say to get on with it and be firm but it just does feel so damaging!

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I didn’t start crying until I was walking away and when I glanced back I was to far away for her to of been able to tell. But i’m going to talk to the school for sure to see what they say!

Unfortunately DP can’t do drop offs as his work wouldn’t allow it, but on the odd occasion that he has taken her in (I had an op a couple of months ago so he was forced to take a couple of days off) she went in absolutely fine, no tears and was actually telling him he wasn’t allowed in past the gate.
Would also struggle asking a friend as I have DS who is 2 and goes to the preschool attached to the school who needs to be there the same time and so high chance she would see me.
We’ve tried getting her to walk in with a friend though and that doesn’t work either!

but thank you again everyone. I will speak to the school and see what they say, hopefully they’ll offer some support with it!