DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

That advice goes against everyone I've spoke to regarding EBSA @Knowitall69 quite surprised you're an EBSA worker.

Can I ask what this recommend if a "good old dose of authoritative parenting" isn't successful?

My dd was like this. Bright and clever, loved school, but was awful with transitions.
At nursery all parents walked them in and helped them put their name card on the wall, settled them at an activity and left. She was fine. (although always took a toy from home to leave in her tray)
In reception parents walked them in, helped hang up coats and they went to their table. She was fine.
last term of reception and year 1 they had to learn to line up outside and walk in as a group. She started to be not fine. It got worse rather than better, and she would not line up, kept hold of my hand etc. Parents were supposed to stay in playground until the teacher collected class. She would cling to my hand, and then hang on to me, TA peeled her off and walked her to the door, with her pulling and protesting. Occasionally on a good day she could walk in. On a bad day she was crying and protesting.

At age 16 she was diagnosed with autism, and this pattern of hating transition was by then something we could see right across the board - going to a birthday party, new places, holidays etc, all new places and all transitions caused massive stress.

I am a teacher. I am a no nonsense sort of Mum. I knew she was fine once in the door and in class. I peeled her off and handed her over. I also went home in tears several times. I am very thankful for the TAs and the secretary who often gave me a quick call and said she is fine, when we had had a particularly bad morning.

Things that helped - transition objects - like the toy in nursery, a small toy to put in her pocket. Sometimes she brought her favourite teddy to school and then put it in MY pocket and I had to have it when I picked her up. Small notes and items to connect her to home. Google it, there are loads of ideas like drawing a heart on her hand and sending her in with a kiss on the heart etc.
She didn't do it if someone else took her in (dh, friend's mum etc) so sometimes I would hand her to friends mum and leave the playground before the teacher came out (pre-arranged of course)
Looking back she had lots of friends but not one particular friend and she struggled with that, when she did have one friend they would go in together.
TA sometimes came out and asked her to help with a job, took her out of the line and straight in and that seemed to work.

In retrospect, if I had realised she was autistic, I would have asked to walk her into the cloakroom myself. Just getting into the building first and then handing her over.
It was worst in year 1. Much better in year 2, bad again for parts of year 3.
I would say that she had mediocre teachers in year 1 and 3 and an excellent teacher in year 2, and I do think it is connected.

Are you an EWO?

This is hilarious. Literally the opposite of what children who are struggling to go to school need.

You don't even see children as fully human, do you?

This thread made me consider could it be anything to do with the fact a child knows when they enter the classroom they have no access to phones or ipads in order to play games? Children nowadays often become highly emotional & frustrated when they are denied their mobile devices.

Reception to Year 1 transition is really tough, especially after Christmas as the children start to do more formal learning. My DD was the same some days. She hated phonics.

Now she’s in year 2 and used to it and it’s like a totally different child going in.

My eldest did this at primary from about Y5 onwards. It was embarrassing and draining. She had loads of friends and was OK coming home so we just forced her.
Stuff happened in Y6 that made us realise we should have taken notice of her.
When she moved to secondary she changed overnight and those screaming fits stopped dead.
Please listen to her.

You do wonder how these ‘just buck your ideas up!’ types will feel if they are ever in a vulnerable position themselves and their needs and distress are similarly minimised by nurses or carers. Hopefully a belated dose of self-reflection will come but I doubt it…

I work with young adults, their levels of anxiety and mental health difficulties as well as their lack of resilience is incredible. They have far more difficulties in that sense than my generation did twenty years before. They are not an endorsement for less "tough parenting", far from it.

I once saw transition anxiety described like this:

Transitioning from A to B is like jumped over a deep chasm in the ground in front of you.
You know that yesterday and the day before you jumped over the chasm and you were fine. You know that the other side of the chasm is fine. You are not actually concerned about the other side of the chasm, you are concerned about the chasm in the ground in front of you, and how to get over it.

That made so much sense to me. When I walked my dd in, I jumped the chasm WITH her, literally holding her hand. When I didn't she had to jump it alone.

Over time we have learnt lots of things that make the chasm narrower and easier to jump, and with age she can tell herslef that she can jump because she did it yesterday, but transition remains a deep hole in the ground that she has to cross.

Yes I suspect this is the main reason. Also OP are you feeding your daughter too many chicken nuggets maybe?

My child was exactly like ths. The teacher reported he was perfectly happy for the rest of the day, it was just separating from me. He also confirmed he was happy in school. I brought a toy he really had his eye on, brought some stickers. He got one sticker for a good drop off and was allowed the toy when he had 10 stickers. It all stopped instantly and never restarted. He is perfectly happy in school. Good luck.

except this is not new. My dd was doing it 15 years ago, and she didn't have any devices. Not evenTV before school.

It was my first thought. I've seen it so often in the playground. Young Children know they won't be on their mobile devices playing games until they get home from school. The classroom then becomes their enemy causing them to become extremely frustrated & emotional before going in.

Agreed @steppemum this isn't new at all, it's just people tend to give a shit these days. Well some do, some don't as evidenced on this thread.

OP please look up Dr Naomi Fisher. She is very knowledgeable.

I was also like my DD, 30 years ago. No devices to speak of so this is clearly not a new trend.

Is she fine or is she masking?

I just want to point out something about outcomes for children who EBSA because there is a LOT of misinformation and misunderstanding from people on here who have no experience of it and assume a firm hand is the best.

My son was so traumatised by being forced into school that he was unable to access education for a number of years. During that time he was allowed to heal and yes he probably did spend more time on the XBox than people would want for a child. But guess what? Now that his needs have been addressed and we understand his issues he is a fully functioning 18 year old.

He reintegrated to mainstream college for A Level, achieved 3 top A Level grades, was interviewed by Oxford and is now living 3 hours away from home at UCL and having the best time.

Many previous EBSA/ School refusers also have good outcomes.

If I hadn't listened to him and really tried to understand the reasons he was kicking and screaming, running away from school and trying to kill himself (rather than go to school in the end), I am fairly sure he would now be dead.

He is still autistic obviously, but rather than being forced into situations that he can't cope with he is able to manage his own environment with small adjustments.

How anyone can say this is the wrong way to go is beyond me.

OP I sincerely hope that your daughter is able to overcome her struggles and that they are easy to fix (I do think that removing her from the disruptive kids in the first instance to see if it is that would be worth it), but please don't listen to people who don't see children as human. So many awful posts on this thread.

Agree,there can be many reasons. It doesn't mean the possibility of withdrawal from mobile devices shouldn't be explored. It's undoubtedly a modern day issue which can't be ignored. How many parents can honestly say their child has never had a highly emotional outburst when their devices are removed. I doubt many could answer never.

Please don't think that those of us advocating a quick and cheery drop off don't care - it's quite the opposite.

This.
Children are so pandered to nowadays

Believe me, I tried a quick and cheery drop off. Looking back, I don’t know how I managed the poker face for months on end. But it didn’t help matters.

I agree with this. Unless you have moved home/school and separation anxiety triggered (which should then get better after the child feels more secure/resigned to it), then if she doesn't do this anywhere else, it is an issue at school. The fact that she clings to you is that she is trying to communicate her fear to you, as you are her Protector. I should say that when I say a 'problem' at school, I just mean something that has at one point triggered fear in her and her self-defence mechanism, and taken hold. It could be something entirely innocent really, like seeing a 'scary' poster (or one that scared her but nobody else).

Sadly one of the big things about a problem at school is that kids often cannot or will not articulate it. My son had a huge problem with something that did actually start in Year 1 and got way worse in Year 2, and he didn't tell me about what it was until he was about 11 years old.

In his case, he'd seen a short video clip in the after school club about meteors hitting the earth (I think maybe a trailer for a show), and it had terrified him. From this came a massive dreadful school anxiety (made worse by a couple of mis-managed age-inappropriate other situations by school).

Your DD could be having an issue with adnother child, or she could be finding some of the practical ways at school difficult (toilets, eating, sitting still, group work, playtime, etc.). She could really have seen something that scared her (I saw bad boys breaking eggs in a bird's nest and I would never go beyond a certain point in the playground after that), or she could even have some anxiety about something happening to you while she's not with you.

Either way, with hindsight I would keep talking to her, asking her about every aspect of her school day, but in a subtle way. Like 'oh is play time nice? Who do you play with? Where do you go? What do you do if it's raining? Has anybody ever got hurt? / etc.' (she may have seen something happen to another kid and got scared). I might try something along the lines of is there anything at all ever scary at school.

The absolute horror at being left at school is a self-preservation move. Very strong. It is true that if you force her, this will stay with her. So it would be way better to somehow unravel it. I hope you do x

We also have this issue - it's an absolute nightmare every morning and leaves me in pieces. I have to then get my youngest to preschool and have to hold it together until he's dropped off 10 minutes later. But, I feel absolutely awful that I made my son go into school when he seemed so traumatised by it.

But, of course he has to go to school. I can't just decide that he would be happier at home and not take him! And, I too am told he's been happy as anything by the end of the day. So, is he just an expert at pretending or actually just has trouble with transitions. At almost 6 I would say the latter which is an issue you should look to the school for support with. We sometimes use a different entrance and sit on benches and read a book - my son's school has been quite helpful, though only after a lot of pushing (schools don't like to admit a problem in case it leads to other interventions needed, in my experience). It has meant that I have had to change my working hours to accommodate later starts in the morning - I can be there for about half an hour, which does also impact my youngest who also needs special measures for going in, in the morning.

It doesn't necessarily indicate a bigger issue, is my understanding. But, it is super distressing for you - I totally get that. In fact, my son seems to forget it ever happens so it's us mums that are dwelling on it!

Not a huge amount of advice but lots of empathy and good vibes - I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

I don't think crying and getting her to count down the days to the weekend is going to help at all. You're reinforcing over and over again than handover is a horrible and negative thing. I don't agree with the "launch her inside with a catapult" lot but I do think you need to work hard at showing a positive attitude to school.

A good influence? How. Quiet, withdrawn, silently struggling? We've all been in a class where the quiet ones blend in and the louder children have attention and rewards.

I'd try and gain more detail from the school and your daughter to establish what's happening.