DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

Forcing a child who is unhappy into school day after day could indeed cause trauma.

But this isn't a child who is unhappy at school, this is a child who is unhappy at drop off. That's a very different thing and if OP applies the advice for children who are unhappy at school I think she will actually do more harm than good.

lt sounds like you know better than all the child psychologists and psychiatrists, despite being unqualified. Impressive.

I would very much assume that the problem is not school, but the people she has to sit next to. Its rough sharing working space with people you don't relate to, or work well with as an adult, it must be terrible when you are 6 and new in school. As pps have said, your first stop is at school, and you need to get her moved to sit next to someone she feels comfortable with. That may help her feel more positive, and look forward to school more.

This, something is amiss and it needs sorting, not just telling her to get on with it. I’d also pry a bit more when they say she’s quiet at school, is she insular and reserved, bottling up emotions and getting through the day? I also have a strong dislike for teachers sitting quiet children next to more disruptive ones, it hardly ever is a good influence and makes it harder for the quiet child to just get on

Are there many child psychologists and psychiatrists advising parents of DCs with issues like OP's to keep their DC home or to drag out drop off until the child walks in happily (which will likely never happen once they're upset because that would be difficult even for an adult)?

When the issues become : “a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming” then absolutely the advice is not to leave the child in that state and keep forcing it day after day.

That isn’t “tears at drop off” that will be solved by “mummy being firm”. It’s a terrified and distressed child who is trying to get to their caregiver but being restrained by a member of school staff. It absolutely causes trauma and school shouldn’t be encouraging staff to get involved in that way either.

It annoys me that your DD is used as an educating tool for other children. In my DC's elementary school disruptive children had to sit next to the teacher at their desk or in a white 'sugar' chair at the side of the class 'to sweeten up'. Quiet, calm children weren't seated next to them to provide some kind of influence.

OP has said "She is absolutely fine and seems completely unfazed when I pick her up, and for the rest of the evening! Never voiced any concerns except at drop off.", I honestly don't believe that's in line with a terrified and distressed child at risk of trauma. Trauma would be apparent in one way or another in the other 23.5 hours a day.

This was also my experience re autism - unlike a PP I was told by CAMHS and the SENCo that DD must be dragged in and I wish I'd put a stop to it sooner - so sad that PP was advised not to do it as it causes trauma. DD has also forgiven me and is a happy graduate now!

DD was undiagnosed with Autism, good as gold, primary school couldn't believe when she received a diagnosis in year 8 when everything had broken down. Years later a TA told me she'd always been unhappy at breaks/lunch at primary school and the teachers didn't want to hear about it. Since she was never disruptive and turned in on herself she wasn't given the attention.

DD was also put next to disruptive class mates - do put a stop to that!

@BarbaraHoward that may be true but if it continues then it will very much become a whole school issue rather than just drop off.

There's a reason she doesn't want to go in. It needs to be explored.

So many people say they're fine in school as if that helps the problem, it doesn't. It just stops anyone from looking in to it properly and it gets palmed off as doesn't want to leave Mummy/Daddy..

@LadyTangerine a few tears is different from the child having to be physically escorted in to school and removed from parent.

Many. many moons ago my youngest was like your DD. What helped enormously was if I told them what I would be doing while they were at school.

So, I would make up a list of things that I had to do, errands to run, what I would be doing at work etc. then end with 'then it will be time to pick you up and you can tell me all about what you have done at school while I did all my jobs'

It's the hardest thing in the world to leave them when they are so upset, it will get better and I hope you find a way to make things easier for you both.

I agree with lifeturnsonadime .
I would never have left my child screaming and upset while I walk away. And did go through school refusal with one of my kids at this age, but if he became very upset going into school then I would simply tell the teacher we would be going home.
I did maintain good communication with the school, and although the class teacher was not very helpful the headteacher was, and we worked together to resolve the issues.
Turns out there was low level bullying and possible ASD, but within a short time the issue was resolved.
Headteacher took the situation seriously, bullies and their parents called into the school for discussions, head allowed my DS to come into the school with me 10 minutes early to have settling in time ( I also brought a little flask of hot chocolate) so when the hustle and bustle started my DS was feeling calm. For a while the headteacher would check on playground situations at every break and lunch time - and give me a phone call every day to let me know how things were.
It was also agreed with headteacher, myself and DS that if he was having a meltdown he could come straight home again.
Strangely that last option was effective, when my DS knew that he wouldn't be forced into school and had a choice, giving him more control then he became calmer, and within a couple of weeks all was resolved.

I am with you Strictlymad my DD was a shy, quiet well behaved child, always followed instructions from teacher. Her behaviour was exemplary. Because of that teachers would sit the most disruptive pupils beside her- even all the way during secondary school too.
It is a lazy and destructive technique.

My child can be a bit like this too but I do find the quicker I leave the better. The longer I stay, all it does is drag on her being upset. As soon as I am gone she is fine! So I do it for her. They peel her off me and then I give her a kiss and say bye and go quickly.

Today I had to pop into the office after and her TA walked past with her and I thought omg noo she’s going to see me, which she did but she just smiled and waved! They take her to the nurture room each morning where she goes on a little trampoline and plays with some toys for a short while then go back to class. It works really well.

do your school have a nurture room? Our school also does sensory circuits before school for some children who struggle going in.

You shouldn’t have been fannying around for that long in the first place. You are literally feeding into her anxiety because you’re unsure of leaving her, so why would she go in happily?

You say “goodbye, I love you, I’ll be back to pick you up at 3” and then you leave. No cajoling, no fannying about desperately trying to get her to go in.

You just leave, because the fact that you’re not doing is a) making it worse and b) prolonging the problem.

My son did this at the start of reception (as well as nursery). He literally screamed, cried and wouldn't let go of me. It was so awful for both of us. Thankfully it didn't last long and he's great going in now (although a slight wobble after Xmas, as expected!).

It helped when he got a special task from the teacher. He had to set out the pens for the day (or something like that).

If she's not usually so bad, maybe she's extra tired or coming down with something today?

Does she have any reason to be worried about you? Do you have any Health issues or difficulties at home?

My DD is like this. She is 7 now and in year 3 (she's a very young summer born).

Turns out she has a high IQ and she is bored to tears at school, plus she probably has some yet to be identified SEN, and masking takes a lot out of her. We have just started a tract with an educational psychologist that specialises in high IQ children, where hopefully we will get to the bottom of the issues.

Her school avoidance goes far, including intentionally making herself vomit when she was in year 1. Currently she is in a better phase, she still claims she has a tummy ache every single morning though.

I have found that being a bit stricter and uncompromising helps getting her into school. When I start being softer the behaviour escalates.

Nope this is not good advice. She’s upset for a reason and that reason needs exploring and dd needs to know op cares and is there to assist, she’s not fanning around. The generation of ‘tough parents’ has bread a generation of anxious adults

Emotional School Avoidance worker here.

Be strong and keeping taking her in (even if she is kicking and screaming.)

She is testing your resolve.

The alternative is that you cave in because "it's too hard" and then you have a kid who is stuck at home, refusing school, playing Xbox because they have "anxiety", refusing to engage with home school tutors, you having to take days off work because she won't go into school and the cycle continues..........

Nothing but a good dose of old fashioned assertive parenting required.

YOU DO NOT WANT A KID WHO IS "EMOTIONALLY BASED SCHOOL AVOIDING."

Ha when I stopped "fannying around" as a PP kindly puts it my DD ran away from teachers and left the school grounds and ran near a busy main road to get away.

Honestly people need to stop minimising this. A few tears is very different from a child having to be physically removed from their parent and forcibly taken in to school.

I agree. I think this new idea of placing high achieving children along with disruptive children in order to help them is dreadful. Children who have problems concentrating or are simply badly behaved should receive all the help & support they require. This shouldn't be to the detriment of children who want to learn and are happy to sit quietly doing their work.

This is excellent advice (that I need to take myself when I have drop-off woes with my ASD daughter)

I find it helpful to arrive early at the school gate so the child can play and run around with their friends. When the door opens they kind of just run in together

Incorrect. We have a generation of anxious adults precisely because their parents fannied around in situations like this.