DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

I think a lot of children go through some separation anxiety at about this age but the fact it's getting worse indicates a deeper problem.

Also, the school say she's absolutely fine when she's in but you don't actually know that do you? It might just mean she's well behaved - have they checked in that she's not sad? It's also not uncommon for some children to 'mask' at school and be very well behaved but with a huge cost to them - especially if being used as a prop for more disruptive students. She should absolutely not be used in this way.

Generally I think when schools say a child is 'fine' they mean 'not a problem for us'.

Does this sound familiar?

your dd is well-behaved at school.

she is used to buffer the unruly students at school.
she is doing exceptionally well in reading and other language related pursuits.
she converses well with adults.
she never met a rule at home that she couldn’t try to negotiate.

Might be slightly different, but we went through this with DS when he was slightly older, but was a few months post covid lockdowns, so I suspect that had something to do with it for him. For him it was totally random - some days he would go in fine, others he would start saying he didn't want to go before we even left the house. There was no obvious pattern.
Our school were brilliant at helping, the thing that worked the best for him was going in to school 10 minutes early - they let him go in to the classroom and gave him a 'job' to do. Sometimes the head would meet him and find a job to do in her office. They only did it for a month or so, but it completely solved the issue and he went back to going in at normal time when the new term started with no bother. I think it was a combination of feeling 'special' and getting into school without the busyness and noise of all the other children.
So yes, def talk to the school and see what they can suggest. Other things they tried with DS was: having time when he first came in to 'transition', so he could sit quietly with a TA for a few minutes; me drawing a heart or something on his hand so he could feel like I was with him; talking to him at length about his feelings and about how safe the school was (they even showed him their cctv because he said at one point he was worried that zombies could get in to the school...).

I know how awful it feels, so I am sending you lots of sympathy. I remember one of the teachers asking me if I was ok after yet another awful morning and I nearly sobbed on her shoulder!
Its all a distant memory now, though I do still get a sick feeling in my stomach if he starts up with 'ugh, I don't want to go to school today!" but nowadays its usually "because we have PE today and its DANCING and I hate DANCING".

My middle boy was like this. In hindsight I wish I’d pulled him out and home schooled until he was ready.
For him, he couldn’t handle the amount of other kids and noise. It was too much. He absolutely thrived and adored going to school once we moved house and he went to a very tiny school.

If it helps, he’s 13 now and happy as Larry.

This.
My child was coming home covered in bruises because the boy she always had to sit next to
(to show him how to behave) was constantly kicking and elbowing her.
It is unacceptable and no wonder so many children are terrified of school.

A quick cheery bye isn’t best for all kids. They’re not all the same, especially when some kids, especially girls, are heavily masking.

My dd struggled with transitions. For dd what worked best was me spending 10/15 mins in nursery with her until she acclimatised. Then at school, sitting in the cloakroom with her for 5/10 mins until she was ready to go in. In reception year, a TA came and collected her. Not so in year 1, which she struggled with and why I went inside with her. Teachers didn’t like it. But she was struggling and got close to school refusal. In the end the teacher did work with me after I tried a few different things. She implemented a personalised sticker chart, which worked ok and I got a child psychologist involved.

Things started to go wrong in secondary again and I noticed this by the end of year 8, not before as year 7 and 8 were lockdown years. She went to private school from year 9 onwards. She then became increasingly anxious and the school made all the adjustments for dd that wouldn’t have been possible in state school. Dd has a medical condition and tbh I didn’t feel she could keep herself safe in state school. The masking increased in year 11 and she developed anorexia.

At no point did anyone suggest autism. I’d suspected for a while but the people I approached, who I thought would know, didn’t seem receptive. That is until we met her eating disorder coach. She thinks dd is autistic and suspects PDA as well. This all makes perfect sense to me.

I wish I had known about all the coping strategies like the hug button when dd was little. I did develop my own strategies for dd. But they were me managing it for her rather than developing her self confidence.

I have never thought of going in early - though now you've said it, it makes total sense! I am going to suggest that for my son. Right now, he often spends time either with me and a TA in the hall or in the sensory room. Then he goes in early, which I don't think is helping him to connect to his peers (he has anxiety and communication issues so is already marked out as a bit different). Fab advice

Precisely. I'm afraid a lot of schools are experts at ignoring issues and sweeping them under the carpet. DD was incredibly well behaved, and worried constantly about getting into trouble. Aside from always being made to sit with the disruptive kids, she was also persistently bullied, but anytime she tried to tell someone at school, they either said "don't tell tales" or "just keep away from them" (like she could control that when they deliberately targeted her).

So she learned that no-one in school would help her, and when something much more serious happened, she didn't tell them because what was the point? We've been dealing with the repercussions of that for five years now, and she's still suffering.

Please ignore the people who tell you to harden yourself to your child's distress. It might just be separation anxiety, but if it isn't and you take the "tough love" line without finding out if there's a genuine problem, you may well regret it later.

appreciate it might be a hard sell but do you think he’d go to the sensory room with a friend? This is what my DD did (in fact she suggested it herself, rather than taking me) and it worked really well.

I think that is rather unfair. Teachers are very experienced in the behaviour of kids and know tears at drop off are normal. The more you treat it like a big deal the longer it lasts.

By saying she is fine they obviously mean she is mixing and interacting absolutely fine, if she was in tears all day then she wouldn't be fine.

I think we have to give primary school teachers some credit here, they do know how to manage drop offs and a parents in the cloakroom for 15mins won't be helping they'll be prolonging things.

As I said one of ours was like this so I do know how hard it is that but promises of stickers and treats after school helped rather than cajoling in the school.

Well that's not a sad sob, that's a full on performance! You need to be firm and matter of fact.

I think it is worth clarifying with the teacher what "fine during the day" means. Is it nothing obvious or have they checked it that she's doing ok.

My daughter is only 4 in reception but we have had issues in school and previously in nursery where she isn't able to get her needs met by care givers as she won't approach them for various reasons we are working on.

We have had her come home with 40 Deg fevers looked absolutely fine until I got her to the car. Another time another child had trapped her finger and she had a nasty injury which looked like it been done a while - fully scabbed over. She didn't mention it until we were in the nursery lobby. Another time she had been sat in soiled (urine and faeces) for 3-5h having not told school not after school club. It took nursery quite a while to pick up small changes in her behaviour that means something is amiss. I've had 3 conversations with school already and hopefully they are going work on getting her to reach out to them and not take silence as no problems.

Op my heart goes out to you. I've experienced this and it's heartbreaking for you to watch. One thing that helped us was taking DC in really early, as soon as the school gates opened. Being the first to arrive, and with a supportive friendly teacher was much calmer. The teacher also set up a few engaging things she knew our DC would like (a toy thing one day, a video on the whiteboard the next etc). It really helped and now DC is (on the whole) pleased to go in. We still get a bit of anxiety at home but as soon as we are out the door it's fine.

I hope that helps.

Or OP could validate how her DD feels and try and help get to the bottom of what's making her have to be physically taken in by a teacher.

Poor advice.

@LadyTangerine not necessarily. When my DD was "fine" she was upset and requesting to leave school during the day and wandering around trying to find the person she had built up a relationship with to ask to go to home. The person was the school receptionist rather than the teacher. I only found this out AFTER getting early help involved along with the attendance team at the LA.

As another teacher, the time to talk and reassure is not at the door. Talk to her and reassure her when calm at home. Tell her you'll be handing her to the member of staff and she's safe. At drop off take her to the teacher and leave straightaway.

I say this as an experienced teacher and a mum to a child who did this!

To a point. Pandering often makes it worse. But this child needs to be sat down when calm, not while she is kicking and hollering the walls down, and asked to explain using her words what is bothering her amd then a plan can be put in place to help her. And no, staying home is not an option. It could be simple as letting her sit next to a friend.

My son cried at every creche drop off from the age for 2 years. They told me he was fine when he was there and it was a phase and it would pass. It didn't. We moved him to a preschool at 3 and he cried at every drop off, kicked, screamed, was hysterical, didnt want to go. Teachers said he was fine when be was there, a few tears in the day. Then they decided he was disruptive and too difficult to manage. He's since been diagnosed with high functioning autism. The signs were always there. He struggles with transitions. The previous school was not remotely accommodating. He's now in another mainstream preschool, smaller class sizes, more teachers/assistants, bigger classes, happier teachers and he is thriving, happy and they say he's one of the easiest kids in the class. He ran in from day 1 and never looked back. The environment felt so much better.
What's your daughter like at home OP? Does she struggle with transitions in general? Might she be ND? What do the teachers say in school? My son is only 4 and I see lots of kids struggling at drop off in pre reception.
Could you try giving her a favourite comfort toy or key ring to take in. Do they have anything like a family photo wall in the classroom? Has she always been like this or it's a new thing.

Again with this pandering.

I'll ask again what good is it doing this child to be physically removed from their parent and forcibly taken in to school?

The child is 6! Maybe she doesn't know how to use her bloody words. Maybe she doesn't know why she feels the way she does!

Christ OP I really hope you take some of the advice on this thread but on the other hand I hope you ignore some of it too!

I also wouldn't rely on teachers being able to take her in. It got to a point where DD school refused to do this as they felt it was doing more harm than good. They were right.

Definitely have a look at that book OP, I'll say it again in case you miss it but it's called The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, if it is purely separation anxiety then this is a lovely book to read with DD.

One of my children who was 'fine' at school was actually non- verbal for an entire year.

Her primary teacher hadn't thought it relevant to mention, even in parents evening.

It came up during ed pscyh assessments 2 years later.

I think you give primary teachers more credit than they deserve. 2 of my children were failed by primary schools that said they were fine.

To be fair to teachers they have a hard job, this doesn't mean that they should ignore the quiet ones.

I find it astonishing that on this thread people don't think that as parents we bare a responsibility for the safety of our children.

I can't think of any other scenario where we would be proud of ourselves for handing over children who are kicking and screaming to an environment that is clearly damaging the child, without questioning the reason our child is so distressed to go there.

Absolutely shocking.

Unfortunately I don't think you can take the teachers word as gospel because sometimes they are not honest with parents and don't share their concerns.

I know this because all teachers swore blind everything was 'fine' but shared their concerns (which were news to me) when DS2 was observed in class by an ADHD nurse specialist who said he met the diagnostic criteria and recommended medication at age 7 but should also be assessed for ASD. Even after the report was shared with me the school claimed all was 'fine' despite the concerns they had raised. I was not allowed to talk to the class teacher who had shared concerns. The head took over.

Denial is strong and coordinated and is not in the best interests of your child. Your child being used as a calming influence (unpaid TA) is proof of that. It's not in her best interests but she is useful in the short term even if she burns out/breaks down. You care about your child's best interests and are their best advocate. They will thank you for caring and listening. This may well help them deal with a temporary minor situation but you will be better placed to deal with a more complex situation should that be the case.

Also DS1 was 'non verbal' in that he was selectively mute due to anxiety for 2 whole years without the school mentioning it. It was only uncovered when viewing his work in the classroom after school when the teacher was still in the class when he was talking normally that she, shocked, commented she had never heard him speak. Needless to say she was then banned from speaking to parents.