DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

@Knowitall69 No use me asking "are you for real" as I know you are. Appalling attitude.

OP never allow anyone to physically force your child into school. Find out what's wrong and see if you can get any support from the school - this seems to be a situation of their own making not yours.

Are you at SAHM or do you work from home? If so she might be feeling that you get to stay at home so she wants to as well. I remember feeling a bit like that as a kid.

@Notgivenuphope what a lot of shite. God forbid we advocate for our kids eh?

Who on earth thinks that a child starting their day like the OPs is acceptable? It isn't and it needs dealing with not just ignored and said child being pushed in.

My DD did this in Reception for a few weeks, it was just after the winter Covid lockdown so we’d been together 24/7. It was horrific at the time and I felt awful, but I knew she enjoyed it when she was there and she came out happy. She has been fine since! Nothing was amiss as PP have suggested, she just would rather have been with me than at school. Even now (she’s Y4) she’d probably rather be at home with me but she enjoys school, her friends, does clubs etc! Also I work 3 days now so she knows I’m not at home!
I just think it’s normally a phase and they grow out of it - some children just like being at home!

Absolutely this. DD was the same, had a complete breakdown and has been out of school now for several years, diagnosed with autism, and OCD, and now has major mental health issues.

It's really important to try to get to the bottom of it - it may not be autism or anything like that, but it shouldn't just be ignored and they certainly shouldn't be dragging in her in kicking and screaming.

Don't let school use her to try and influence other children's behaviour, this is a heinous practice by teachers. Undiagnosed children with autism are often incredibly anxious about breaking rules, and sitting with the difficult/naughty kids is torture for them. You'll need to be really insistent about this, as it seems to be a really ingrained thing and it's enormously unfair on the well-behaved kids.

Why do people tell a story of their own child’s unique school story and then assume the OP’s child is exactly the same?

That sounds really tricky and upsetting for you! Every child is different but as a teacher here are a few things I used to do to help children transition in so maybe you could try and suggest one of these to the teacher?

• Just double check with the teacher and her that nothing is causing her to be worried about school - a friend issue, something that’s worrying her. It could be something so small like finding the queueing for lunch stressful etc that could play on her mind. Maybe it’s nothing at all and it’s just the transition into school she finds tricky but good to check.
• I used to find a small activity for them that they looked forward to can work wonders. I had a boy that loved Pokémon and I printed a big pile of Pokémon colouring pictures and he did a different one for 5 mins every morning. For some reason it transformed the way he’d come in to the classroom.
• Having a special job to do - putting the pencils out on the table.
• Coming in to breakfast club and a quieter start.
• Having a friend to sit next to
• Choosing a friend to do a small activity with
• Stay until she puts her coat and drink away and settled on carpet and then go (I used to let a parent do this if child really needed that)

Make sure you are bright and cheerful even when she is not. A cuddle and a goodbye and no crying too!

they don't.
They tell about their experience of a similar problem, and either what they did to help or what it signifies in the bigger picture.

It is by understanding that there could be 20 different reasons, and the OP reading them and seeing which ones marry with her own experience that she can begin to see the way forward, and think about her own situation and what may be helpful.

As an example, school transition issues for several of us were the first signs that something may be wrong wich eventually led to an autism diagnosis.

This is excellent advice.

Because it helps to know what this kind of stuff MAY turn in to. Just like people telling the OP it'll be a phase and her DD will grow out of it.

Also I'd say it's pretty typical to relay one's own experience when dealing with stuff like this.

Yes, I agree with that but they tend to strongly hint that that their experience is the only possible explanation

School told me my dd was fine after I left her, but one day I saw her struggling to go back into class after break ( I had just left toddler group oppersite). She wasn't fine. In fact when I went in to listen to her read the other pupils told me she wasn't fine.

It got much worse. Now it's better but we have a fairly consistent morning routine and I never hurry her up. If she is upset we wait until she is OK before we leave.

For my dd it's habits and routine and anxiety. Then she was diagnosed with ASD so it was easier to say to school "this is her routine now so unless something changes between us we are stuck, it's a real issue, she isn't choosing this"

I'd rather she is 5 minutes late than go in upset. You could let her take in a comfort item, like a piece of cloth with your perfume on or trusted Teddy to keep in tray?

No one has done that.

Please don't take offence, or read this the wrong way, but the picture I see is that you are at the root of her problem (obviously not intentionally!). The school will be able to sort this, but it will help them if you are open to this sort of analysis and keen to resolve things.

She's clearly a happy balanced schoolgirl with no issues with school, but has a block with separation from you (which she may pick up from you). I'm not experienced/trained to deal with these sort of issues, but my 1st thought was whether you could get a friend's parent to take her into school?

this has been interesting read. My dd is in year 1 also and we have encountered phases of this numerous times. She went in crying this morning in fact. The holidays have really caused chaos for us. The change in routine has been difficult.

In reception School quickly got her into counselling due to this and other issues and it was great. DD really enjoyed it and felt it helped. I have requested this morning that she has counselling again if possible as DD has been asking for this.

With regards to seperation anxiety DD was terrible when she had a school trip coming round. I sought advice about this and we decided DD would take one of my bobbles in her pocket sprayed with my perfume which she chose. It helped a lot however if your DD is like mine she may worry about loosing it. I actually gave the teacher a duplicate incase this happened.

My daughter is highly anxious (amongst many other things) - i suspect she has autism and adhd but she masks amazingly and is bright so whether we will ever find out or not is another thing but we are at the point now where it is really affecting us all.

My first suggestion was to remove her from the disruptive children. This is the obvious caused based on the OPs opening post.

Then it is to speak to the SENCO.

If a child is struggling to go to school it is often as sign that something is wrong. All schools have Educational Psychologist budgets. A school that really is supportive would make use of the provision to observe a child in the classroom because many children who to teachers appear fine, are not fine.

A bit of difficulty at transition is normal. Kicking and screaming is not normal.

You are absolutely in the wrong job.

Nope no one has suggested that. It is a very real possibility though. If OPs DD just had a couple of years then fair enough but this child is having to be physically taken in to school.

Exactly who is that good for? I can't imagine enjoying being physically taken somewhere, can you?

FWIW they did the same to my DD and she lost all trust in both me and the school. Worked wonders!

Tears not years! Can't seem to edit on the app..

OP a nice book that was recommended to me when my DD started like this was The Invisible String. It's on Amazon.

My son has been a bit like this - not crying but refusing to go... I did hand him over crying one day and still feel guilty but he seems fine now.

Is there something bothering her at school that can be fixed? Will she talk about it? It could be something very minor to you that matters to her.

My son didn't like a particular activity with a particular teaching assistant so his teacher said she would stop choosing him for that for example.

Transitional objects have helped us too.

Also sometimes knowing what to expect can help - so if that's the issue can the teacher tell your daughter what they are learning about tomorrow each night or something? Much easier to get my son into school if he knows today he is going to learn about the letter T etc ...

Just to reassure you, I was like this every morning as a kid until I was 7. I don't remember it, my mum does. It scarred her I think! Another girl in my class did it too until the same age. The mum's bumped into each other when we were 18. I was in America on my own, she was un Canada on her own. Not bad for 18! The mums were in hysterics apparently about all the mornings we were peeled off of them kicking and screaming.

I was the child that they sat disruptive children with and I detested it. It’s such a shit way of dealing with the situation.

This.

She absolutely should not be placed near disruptive children whilst she's exhibiting this level of distress, just because it makes the teacher's life easier. That's absolutely appalling and the school is not putting her wellbeing first.

Several of us, while acknowledging that it could be for other reasons in OP’s case, have explained that with our children it was connected to (generally undiagnosed). That’s the opposite of unique?