DD taken into school kicking and screaming

[Elaine400]

Don’t know what to do. DD (6, in year 1) has always been wobbly going into school. She is fine in the mornings before school, she is fine walking to school, then the moment we get to the school gates she gets upset when I have to go. A teacher always has to hold her hand to walk her in whilst she’s crying and it breaks my heart. This morning however was a whole different level, she would not let go of me and after ten minutes of trying to get her to go in nicely and reassuringly, a teacher had to peel her off whilst I just had to walk away whilst she was screaming mummy and when I glanced back she was literally trying to get away from the teacher kicking and screaming. Made me burst into tears as just felt so unnatural walking away.
I just don’t know how is best to handle it. Tried asking her to draw a picture for me today of me and her to distract her, tried reassuring her that I’ll be there straight away at pick up, that it was only the weekend in 2 days, that I love her very very much etc.
Also she’s absolutely fine once she’s in, she enjoys learning and she has friends she gets on with well. No issues at home either she’s normally good as gold and the teachers always say how well behaved she is - they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’. It’s just the separating from me in the morning, and it’s getting worse and worse ☹️

Like others, I'd definitely be saying I don't want her being used to calm others. She should be sitting with a friend, someone she is comfortable with. I thought that old thing of using kids like that, was long gone, as it should be. It happened in my day, but that is a lonnnng time ago.

A friend of mine whose little boy was nervous going in to school, gave him something belonging to her, something small that he could carry in his pocket. That helped him, might be worth a try.

Please don't do this.

The same happened to my 9 year old DD and now she has severe EBSA and is not in school. She has a tutor 3 hours a week from the LA.

Worst thing I did.

It still happens sadly and 9 times out of 10 it's a quiet well behaved girl being put on a table with loud, disruptive boys. One teacher tried doing this with my daughter but I was able to put a stop to it quickly.

Some good FB pages to have a look at if you're on there is Not Fine in School and Missing the Mark.

I thought our situation would get better but it escalated. This needs sorting ASAP before it gets to a point that's too difficult to come back from.

You have my sympathy, I've been that Mum walking away in tears because your child is screaming crying for you. It's shit and I don't think anyone understands the stress it puts you under or how crap it makes you feel as a parent.

Indeed. No one is actively choosing this for their children or delaying drop-off for longer than is necessary!

Gosh, how cruel. I would be kicking and screaming to not go to school too...

When is her birthday? Just wondering if she is a summer born whether she is just completely overwhelmed and might be better dropping back a year?
One of my children also struggles with emotions, so totally sympathise. He generally goes in ok tho. We have had to do a lot of work with the school to support him and ensure they are doing everything they can to help him.

I used to be like this in the first 2 years of secondary school. I would lock myself in the bathroom, try not to be put in the car and made life a misery for my poor Mum! Once I got into school I was fine and it did get better over time. The best thing my Mum did was to get one of the neighbours to start taking me to school - once they got me in the car I had no choice then but to go. You have to be tough about this otherwise it will get worse. Maybe ask the school if you can take her in a little earlier so its not so busy at drop off time, take her in to her classroom and quickly leave, don't hang around.

Oh I remember this. All of Y4 and Y6 and most of Y5 I had this. Teachers having to literally remove my DD2 from me, me walking away crying as soon as I was out of the school gate, the sense of dread every single morning
I did remove her for part of Y4 and Y5 but when she went back it happened again.
A few things did help (a bit). A designated member of staff she could talk to, being invited to a girls only group run by the same member of staff and always finding something positive to say about school.
In DDs case she was bullied quite badly in Y4, which is why I removed her as school were useless but it doesn't sound like this is the case for your DD.
Is it always the same member of staff who takes her in? I found that helped a bit as it became part of her routine.
Really sorry no advice but I do feel for you and your DD

Can you ask for her to be seated elsewhere?

It's not her job to be a 'good influence ', and this may be what is stressing her out. Right now she has her own needs and shouldn't have that responsibility.

At this age some children are still struggling a bit with the concept of object permanence and separation anxiety. She may have trouble really understanding that during the day you are off doing other things and will be back. Her head may understand this but to her heart you've disappeared and won't ever come back.

Have you tried talking her through what you do when she is at school?

And object that moves from home to school can help. A small stone you kiss and give her when she does in so she feels she has something of you might help. Or a favourite small object. I've also seen a heart drawn on the child's arm by mum work.

Have a chat with the SENCO and see if they have any ideas.

I suspect that teacher/poster’s point was that you were massively making it worse by lingering and letting her have hope that she might succeed, and you might not leave her or make her stay. Short, sharp and ultimately painless is best.

My daughter spent almost her entire school career being made to babysit disruptive boys (no exaggeration!). It started in year 1 when she proudly told me about looking after a boy in the lunch hall whilst the TA was occupied supporting another boy.

The last straw was in year 6, when the class teacher did her termly rearrange of the seating plan only to keep one pairing the same - my daughter and a boy she’d been sitting with for months already. She was so looking forward to getting away from him and cried when she got home and told me.

And she had SEN needs of her own (autistic - not that the school cared because she masked so heavily). I wish I’d complained about it sooner.

I’m so sorry you and your DD are dealing with this, it must be awful for you both. This is really obvious and you’ve probably already been there but have you tried asking her about it, when she’s calm and happy?

At six she’s old enough to understand what you’re asking and old enough to have some insight into her own behaviour.

Ask her about school, generally. Her teacher says she’s ok but what does your DD say? Try and get some answers from her and make a plan with her going forward.

if there’s nothing much really at the bottom of this, then it could be learned behaviour that’s become a habit. Any habit that’s been learned can be unlearned. I know it’s a cliché but a star chart for wanted behaviour can work well, with gifts for achievements.

Make the rewards very easy to achieve, so she makes progress very quickly.

Good luck.

Being tough won't work for every child, I was tough and it lead to my daughter running away round the village and hiding. It made the situation worse.

The situation needs to be met with sensitivity.

OP take a look at this toolkit and see if there are any strategies you think would help DD.

www.lancashire.gov.uk/media/930428/lancashire-ebsa-guidance-strategy-toolkit-2023-update.pdf

Hope that works!

I used to cry when my Mum left me at the start of my first year at primary school. I remember it really vividly. No idea why as I actually liked school and enjoyed learning, and didn't worry about going there. I also used to ask my Mum not to go if she ever went out in the evening, sometime begged. Again, totally irrational and have no idea why as there was nothing particularly worrying me. I look back now on so many behaviours from my childhood and realise that in todays world I would definitely have been considered a very anxious child. Back then no one really noticed or they just thought I was a bit silly/odd.

I was really good at school and I would have absolutely hated being placed with the distracting children. Being associated with 'naughty' kids would have spiked my anxiety no end! Definitely not her job to inspire the other kids to sit still. Maybe she'd be better off moved to sit with children who are more similar to her.

Some very helpful and considered pointers, empathetically delivered, that I’m sure the OP won’t have thought of before and will find a doddle to implement 👍

' I was told later, by CAMHS, that their advice is not to force a child into school in that state as it causes trauma'

I doubt it causes trauma.

Op, one of ours did this. It is very common and can be like night wakings in that it becomes a habit.

I know how hard it is to walk away from a screaming child but a quick kiss and go will break the habit. Obviously if there were deep seated issues there'd be other signs but she is happy at school, happy at home she's got into the habit of tears at drop off. So keep the handover as brief as possible and promise an ice cream at home time if she goes in like all her friends do. Good luck.

Why do you doubt it causes trauma?

It very much can.

I was like this as a child ,my mum couldn't cope with my screaming so she dropped me of at her friend's house ,who was a teacher at my school .
And obviously she wasn't bothered by my screaming
Out of my 4 children,two of mine also screamed and had huge difficulty going in .
It caused myself and my sons trauma from the upset .
My son's got EHCPs and had tutors and one line learning .
We all ended up with diagnosis of autism.
Have a look at Samantha craft the autism in women check list .it gives a good idea of what to look for in girls x

they actually sit her next to the children who struggle to concentrate as ‘she’s a good influence!’.

I would recommend this is stopped, your dd needs to be sat with people so that she can learn and possibly have a friend to sit next to.

Haven’t read all updates , im on break but I would say as an ex primary school teacher , to keep with sending her in - obviously take note and try to investigate why etc - but I have seen so many children have to be peeled off the parent , crying … and within 10 min they are fine! Honestly one child had to be bought in screaming and crying every single day and he would be fine in minutes .

Only glanced over the post but the part about her sitting next to children who can’t focus because she’s a good influence angered me - unfair on your child! She’s not there to help others learn , she’s there to learn and this could be playing a part if she’s next to a child who’s distracting . It needs to work for her .

As heart breaking as it is for you, I found that focusing on what we were going to do together after school really helped. I also reminded myself that my child was still tiny and that they are learning to be in the world and sometimes that can feel scary. I wanted them to know that I loved them and was looking forward to seeing them at the end of the day. I found it really painful when we went through this as well but I thought about what my child would need to feel secure and loved by me and we went from there. School were quite hard line about it which I didn't fully agree with but that phase did pass, like everything does. Good luck!

Because some children just cry at drop offs. Be it childminders, school or dropping at grandma's some just cry when their parents are leaving. It is very common. If it caused trauma half the country would be traumatised.

I'm not advocating being cruel or dismissive but in the absence of other issues that would indicate a more complex problem was present then a brief kiss and go is the best way to break a habit. The more you kneel down in front of them and cajole the more upset they become. For their sake as well your own you need to drop and go.

Have you tried being very matter of fact with her and cutting all emotions? If I go to the classroom door with my son and say goodbye he will 90% of the time start crying and beg me to stay. If I stop about 10m from the door and say 'right off you go, no messing and I'll see you tonight' he will reluctantly go in without a fuss. It tugs at the heart stings and feels very un natural as a mum but it seems to be that if I show him it's not a big deal he accepts it. He also struggles with the time of day and how long until home time so the staff now give him a very basic schedule for each day (lesson, break, lesson, lunch, lesson, break, story and then home). He can tick it off as the day goes by so he knows the day (and week) is progressing.