No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

That's hurtful. I would have really appreciated it and not found it gushy or too much at all.
I would just casually say when you next speak to her 'I take it you like the hamper then?' and see what she says...and just say you were a bit hurt that she didn't acknowledge it.

Very surprising and a bit rude
Surely she could have taken the 10 seconds to text/WA to say thanks

Why can't you just ask her? Dress it up as concern that she didn't receive it perhaps?

PS your son knows so could you ask him what the tone was perhaps?

First term at uni? Dd was bloody awful when she came back at Christmas, by the time she’d remembered what living with a family was like and how to behave it was time to go back again. It got better.

Thanks for all your thoughts. It does feel very rude to me - honestly I’m having trouble believing it’s her - she’s normally incredibly kind and thoughtful.
@Billybagpuss hmm - perhaps I should use this a a useful bellwether. I have been warned.

I'd just keep it light - hello DD just checking in that you received the hamper, love from your slightly under appreciated mother!

Just message to check she got it okay.

Honestly the first term of uni is a rollercoaster. New life, new timetable, figuring out how to live alone but also alongside strangers, cooking for yourself, laundry, finances, trying to figure out who your friends are, deciding which hobbies to sign up for, drinking and partying and that's before you even count any of the academic work!

Honestly, I sort of forgot my parents existed the first term of uni. It was just such a different life. She probably got it and felt very grateful but then just this overwhelming new life got in the way. She will miss you though. I all but forgot my parents existed and then they came to visit and I cried my eyes out when they had to leave. There was just so much emotion going on.

Just use the time old trick of asking whether she received it to prompt a thank you :) she doesn’t have to know you have already deduced this from her brother’s comments. Try not to spiral, I’m sure if you have raised a lovely young woman she’s not going to turn into someone hideous while at uni! It might be an oversight or she could be heartbroken and distracted or any number of things.

Did she definitely want those things? My DM has a habit of sending me huge boxes of stuff that 90% I don’t want or need. And it’s mostly clutter. I say thanks but don’t make a big deal as I don’t want to encourage this.
maybe she is just busy with uni life and making friends and forgot to message you? I would not send a hamper again, let her live her own life a bit and gain some independence .

Just speak to her! Don't you have contact at all?! Maybe she's typed a reply or just didn't press send... not that I've done that at all! 😂

Have you actually spoken to her?
Asked her if she received it (I know you know she has)?

I'd be inclined to go a bit PA
"Hi Darling, I sent you a package last week, it was quite expensive I'm a little concerned you haven't received it as I haven't heard from you..."

Or is it more likely that when talking to her brother she told him to "thank mum for the gift for me" and he just didn't, so she thinks she's done her bit?

@showersandflowers thats helpful, thank you. You’re right - I know she has a lot on her plate.
@SchoolDilemma17 this is the heart of my worry I think. I’ve not sent her any 19th century Limoges figurines or anything, but I am very much frightened that this is an actual message rather than an oversight. It was mainly booze, sugar and toiletries.

Just ask her if she got it. It could be she's going through some shit right now and all the faffy tissue paper in the world won't help

I can see why you feel hurt. When your son mentioned the items, did he make any other comment?

I think I'd just message "Hi, I sent you a package the other day - did you get it? Hate to think of someone else getting your mail x"

You say you know she got it last week from her brother. Have you not spoken to her for a week?

I wouldn't be rushing to send thanks by SMS, I'd keep it for the next (and not far off) conversation.

fwiw I have spoken to her since. I only found out this morning that she’d got it from her brother. I assumed that as it was unannounced she hadn’t bothered to go to the post room yet (which is a bit of a trek)

It doesn’t matter if she didn’t like what was involved (although I’m sure she did! Free booze when you’re a student!) She should still have said thank you. Are we really at the stage now where we only need to say thank you if it’s something we love, regardless of the effort and thought and cost involved?

OP I get why you’re hurt. I’d pull her up on it very lightly and very gently. It’s not personal, it will be because her life is just very busy and different now. But she should still be pulled up on it.

Did you give her a gift to do something nice for her or to people please in return for getting a pat on the back? I realise that comes across as harsh but let her find her feet. I understand she could at least say thank you even if she didn’t like it that much but I think the amount your hurt but it is a bit OTT. Surely this was supposed to be a gift about her, not you?

Not many will agree with me and that’s fine, I do agree a polite thank you would have done a long way, but I think you need to reel it in a little bit.

I'd just say "Hi, did you get the hamper OK?" She'll probably thank you then. If it's a large hamper is it possible she doesn't have space for all the stuff and/or prefers to pick stuff herself? Maybe as they've been back a while she's already bought what she needs. Dd wouldn't have had room in her halls for a big hamper of extras.

I would wonder where her manners were or if there was a reason she hadn't thanked you (found the gift too much, overwhelmed with uni/life, wants to distance herself)

Ask her. If she's fine at uni then she needs prompting that she's being rude.

Please don't go in with the passive aggression! It's one of my least favourite things my own Mum does and I find it really alienating. Just be honest and say next time you'd like a thank you!

By far the most likely answer is that she's just... preoccupied with the life in front of her right now. It's exciting and absorbing and stressful and doesn't involve you, and you're a lot less salient to her than you were when you lived in the same house. That's normal and healthy.

I would probably advise just letting it go and not doing any more elaborate care packages, trusting that your DD's manners will return, as they almost certainly will, rather than do any pass-ag "did you get my gift" stuff. I think an elaborate package like that when I was focused on adjusting to uni life would feel a bit... smothering to me, in all honesty, but I absolutely hate passive-aggression so that's probably not a universal response.

Dont take it personally. I know you’re hurt and she should have said thanks but you don’t know what’s going on for her right now. My guess is that if she didn’t thank you in first 48 hours, it feels v awkward to do it now! You’ve done a lovely thing. Assume the best of her and don’t escalate this unnecessarily.

@DreadPirateRobots this is exactly my fear…