No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

This 💯

Aww OP I think that was a lovely thing to do. My mum used to send me things at uni and it really cheered me up - even a random postcard of my favourite film star to stick on my wall just to let me know she was thinking of me. I would always text to say thanks, no matter how big or small!

I would let her know how upset it’s made you. One year I didn’t give my mum anything for Mother’s Day and she told me how shit it made her feel and actually cried and I’ve never forgotten it. She does so much for me and I couldn’t even bother with a card. I felt like a cunt but it actually strengthened our relationship. It made me understand her better.

I never understand these 'how do I tell them' threads.

Unless there is a massive back story (estrangment/trauma/something really tricky) just message:

"Squishface!" (Or whatevs her nickname is) "how's it going? Hope you having the best time and you got the hamper. Lmk! Kiss emoji, smiley face emoji" etc etc.

This in spades!!

Don’t mention it to her. Don’t go shopping with her. Don’t buy anything else. Give some cash for Christmas that is less than she would expect from gift prices. She sounds like she just expects things and has no financial worries.

Assuming you're close and this is very out of character, I'd forget about it for now.

She was probably delighted with it, meant to thank you but was running late, went out and got pissed, meant to do it next day, hangover, busy, and repeat...

Maybe ask her face to face when she's home for Christmas whether she liked it and whether she'd like you to do it again? She'll either be over the moon or say no thanks. At least you'll know!

A friend recently sent a massive care package to DD at Uni. Booze and snacks (yay) loads of bath stuff (boo, no bath in halls, which was a touchy subject!) and various faffy bits and bobs that they liked when they lived at home.

Same thing...DD didn't respond at first and when she did, was a bit frosty.

Apparently she got a load of stick from people in halls for being "Mummy's Girl" when they were all busy trying to be grown up rebels 😅 Thought it was a bit infantilising as well "I haven't like that stuff since I was a kid!" (18 months ago) 😏

She eventually told her mum that it upset her because it made her miss home when she was doing her best to try and be independent, and she also felt bad that she didn't have enough money to buy her mum something nice back 😭

I wouldn’t say anything OP as it’s a minefield, but agree it’s hurtful. I think it goes in phases. One DD who was a nightmare now the loveliest mum herself and so close to us p, easy and loving. so just ride the waves for the long term, it will all be well if you have given her a loving home, which I'm sure you have as sound lovely.

Am in agreement with all those who love giving and receiving parcels from family. Have never seen it like PP as needy to give someone a treat. My mum used to send me walnut whips when penniless in the big city. Now she’s housebound I send her puzzle books and chocolates.

A gift should be a genuine kindness, surely and not a demand? I’d just mention it when I chatted with her next.

Can't believe people are excusing the dd! All this well, maybe she didn't like it stuff. And the suggestion that the op only sent the present to get a pat on the back? Seriously? Never has it been more obvious that Mumsnet and the real world are miles apart! @DarningNeedle you are quite justified in being sad and upset. It's possible that she forgot or a message didn't get through, so I would ask her if she got it to give her the chance to put it right.

I would be really hurt if I sent my daughter a gift and she didn't acknowledge it. I would have to ask her why she hadn't said thank you, at the very least.

I don't agree with people excusing your daughters behaviour. I've done the while university experience so i know what it's like, and yes it can be overwhelming and a lot going on, but you are her mum.

I personally would have loved to have received a hamper like this OP, even if she didn't like the contents (but lets face it, what's not to like?) a simple thank you text or call was all that's needed.

I wouldn't go down the passive aggressive route, I'd just ask her straight up if she got the package and see what her response is go from there. If she's struggling, she may open up, but if she's nonchalant and doesn't appear to care, then I wouldn't be making any nice hampers for her going forward!

No one is so busy that they can’t take 10 seconds to send a text, especially a teenager who is surgically attached to their phone.

Nah I agree with you

“It’s sad but means we did our job well”.

Not super keen on this as a pat on the back as it could insinuate that parents who have YP that are in contact more often have failed. Which of course we all know isn’t the case.

I have one DC that was ready to leave home at the age of 8 and one that loves home comforts. They have different contact needs - just be led by them.

I did the same for my daughter but told her a package was waiting because otherwise she doesn't know to go to the office in her halls to collect it. She went to get it straightaway and texted straight back to say thanks. I think your daughter is probably distracted by everything that's going on and just forgot. Mine didn't have the chance for it to slip her mind as I was texting her at the time.

Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc

I imagine just a standard gift voucher or something to drink would have gone down better. It's too much, too LOOK AT MEEEE

Same. Being independent doesn't mean not wanting to phone your parents and not being able to ask for help

I lived at home for most of my studies. But I was utterly dreadful to my parents when I returned home after my year abroad.it's hard, but try not to take it personally.

She probably doesn’t know how to say “thank you but please don’t do that again”. It was thoughtful but perhaps embarrassed her if she had to collect a hamper and carry it through halls etc. A little bit like when a boyfriend send flowers on Valentine’s Day to my workplace. A lovely thought but actually a bit mortifying.

Message to ask if she got it ok, and then just tell her you were disappointed she hadn't thanked you for it. It doesn't need to become a big deal but I absolutely would pull her up on her rudeness, whether she liked it or not is irrelevant, you thank the effort.

Not if there's a backstory we don't know about and the gift is an act of manipulation

I really doubt she's not thanking you to send a message about not needing you OP, especially if you're the person she's happily drunk texting at 4am! She's probably just really busy, has opened and enjoyed everything, and is planning to send you a proper message later (or maybe thinks she already did it). Not great but not a sign of a changed personality. I'm 15 years older than your daughter and still sometimes will open gifts or flowers sent in the post, think how lovely they are, head out and then realise a day later I've not thanked the recipient!

As an aside, my parents used to send me lovely care packages at university with hand written cards and poems. I thought they were very sweet at the time, enjoyed the gifts, and thanked my parents, but I really was a bit too self-absorbed to appreciate just how much love went into those packages and how much they must have been missing me! I was missing them too, despite enjoying university, but didn't really have the words to eloquently express that. Now I am older I think of all the little things they did to make me smile frequently (and try to do lovely thinks back for them to say thank you!). Unless there is a big back story, I'm sure your daughter will feel much the same and will look back at your hamper with a lot of love one day.

I would ask her if she received it and say I wasn't sure as you'd expected to hear from her when it arrived. Nothing stressy, just checking. She will probably be very apologetic and go on about uni work and busy social life and not having a moment to herself. I find my DD is very 'in the moment' and is 100% focussed around the people she sees day to day. When she's home it's all about her home girls, and when she's away, it's all about her uni crew. I spent £150 on a dehumidifier for her damp room two weeks ago and it has arrived, but is still in its box. That's girls at uni for you.

It's not really that hard to send a quick thank you text. It really isn't.

And, yes, my oldest is at uni, a boy, and in spite of how insanely busy he is with his course and his part time job, he knows how to text thank you.