No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

"Hello! Just checking you got the hamper! Did you like it?"
She's only been at uni for a couple of months and is probably still juggling drinking and having to get up early for lectures so it might have just slipped her mind to thank you. Try not to spiral from this one event

If she's old enough to be at uni then she's old enough to have manners, that's the part I'd be angry about. Pull her up on her downright rudeness. Even if she doesn't like the gift she should thank you properly for it then explain that she doesn't like x or y, but to just ignore it is poor form and you letting her get away with it won't serve her well.

Agree with PPs, btw. Everyone's a bit of a rude arsehole to their parents at their first taste of independence. Don't spiral. You sound lovely and she will be again too! I'd just be honest that it hurt my feelings and then move on.

As several people have pointed out and made clearer for me, I am mainly afraid that I did something that’s made her cringe. I don’t think it’s like her to not ping off a quick ‘ thank you’. I think she might be treating this as a ‘back off’. I don’t know. At least writing it down has made me understand why it’s knocked me off my perch a bit more than it should have done this morning.

That it came off as smothering?

To be honest, the subtext of this does read to me a bit as 'pay attention to meeeee, I'm lonely and I miss you, I want you to fill my emotional hole', thus why the lack of response has you spiralling. If that is the case, and she senses it, pass-agg texts will only make communicating with you into a chore. Hence why I would advise letting it go and seeking out some other sources of emotional fulfilment in the short term. Yes, she is changing, and yes, she is pulling away from you, as her development into a full-blown adult requires. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you and it doesn't mean you can't be close, and if she was a lovely thoughtful child then she will almost certainly emerge as a lovely thoughtful adult, possibly after a difficult phase or two. You might serve both of you best right now by giving her some space and developing your own life in other emotional areas.

Hey @DarningNeedle , reading your posts, you have amazing reflection and honesty about your feelings. With all kindness, you’re overthinking this. Even if it is ‘a bit cringe’, then so what? Your dd will know it’s been done with love. Even if it irritated her, she’ll know deep down that her irritation is irrational and she has the security of knowing she’s loved by you. That’s awesome.

Lots of love, must be hard. The first term of uni is a lot, and maybe receiving it was actually quite emotional for her. It sounds awful but I’d be the sort to push it to one side and try and forget about it, so I didn’t get too upset/emotional by it. Maybe it triggered some emotions in her that she’s just pushing down so she can keep surviving her first term. I’d let this slide. X

There could be a hundred reasons she’s hasn’t messaged. You’re focussing on the one reason that resonates with your worries about your relationship with her.

Just to clarify, you have spoken to her and she didn't mention the gift?
I would've cheerfully asked if she'd received it. How odd.

And even if her not messaging is partly down to her pulling away from you, that’s totally normal and fine. It’s healthy. It’s not personal at all. It only becomes a problem if you perceive it to be a problem.

The most likely explanation is that her head is full of essay crises and going out and having fun. She probably meant to thank you, forgot and then by the time you spoke she had forgotten that she had forgotten to thank you! 😂

Just ask her if it has arrived next time you speak. Hopefully, it is just an oversight and a one off, and she will apologise when you prompt her. If you still feel she isn’t telling you something eg she found it over the top and embarrassing, just ask her lightheartedly in person in the holidays if she would like another care package or if it was too cringeworthy so she feels able to open and honest.

I think it's a lovely thing to do OP, and I used to do the same occasionally when my DD was at uni. She probably got totally engrossed in something else after she had opened it and forgot to message you. Try not to overthink it. I'd mention it in a very casual way when you next speak. I understand it's hurtful though.

Possibly intended to put together a long message to say thanks and "this is what I've been up to"... then being more than a short "amazing, thanks mum!" message it took more work than anticipated and hasn't got round to it?!

Or maybe it's just me who's like that...

Preoccupied or not, cringe or not, engrossed or not..it is terribly rude.

I was thinking the same same as dancemove

Don't be PA...Just tell her you sent a parcel, she should get it any day

Thanks everyone. I don’t think I’ve been too needy. I hope not - we’ve only communicated via text since she started and I try not to initiate conversations other than rare snaps of the dog in front of the fire. She’s basically nocturnal at the moment and I get a lot of pissed up text ramblings at 4.30 am about her adventures which are impossible to reply to sober with very much sense when I see them 3 hours later. I get a lot of pictures of her cooking. I’ve not sent her anything else since we dropped her in early September. She FaceTimes her brother a few times a week.

It was booze, chocolate and toiletries. It would be an extremely maladjusted person indeed who’d find that smothering, or interfering with their new way of life 😳

Do you have a pet? The one thing guaranteed to get a response is a photo of the pet.

I use them shamelessly as confirmation that the adult DC are in fact alive. There's no emotional baggage to them saying Awwwwww. I am reassured they are still breathing, they see the cat, everyone is happy.

A big thoughtful hamper might feel a tad 'extra' to your daughter, however kindly meant.

If she's grown up to the age of 18 as incredibly kind and thoughtful she sounds great and I'm sure she still is like that. It's probably just an oversight. Maybe she wrote a message and forgot to press send as someone said. Even people as nice as she sounds make mistakes occasionally so i definitely wouldnt react angrily as someone suggested. Speak to her and see what happens. I'll be surprised if she's had a complete character change. Yes I have had a dd go away to uni.

Also, if her uncharacteristic behaviour is because she's struggling a bit, you'd definitely want to keep the lines of communication open.

@showersandflowers

Honestly the first term of uni is a rollercoaster. New life, new timetable, figuring out how to live alone but also alongside strangers, cooking for yourself, laundry, finances, trying to figure out who your friends are, deciding which hobbies to sign up for, drinking and partying and that's before you even count any of the academic work!

Honestly, I sort of forgot my parents existed the first term of uni. It was just such a different life. She probably got it and felt very grateful but then just this overwhelming new life got in the way. She will miss you though

All of this. ^ 'Children' in their late teens - when they have gone to uni live in a parallel universe @DarningNeedle and don't give a second thought to home and family. I didn't get a birthday card or Mothers Day card for 2 years straight, and on the first Mothers Day after DD1 started uni, she spent it with a new uni friend and HER mother. Having this cosy little lunch on Mothers Day and putting the pics on Facebook. I was crushed.

I was alone as DH was working, and my own mum had already passed away. I heard nothing. Not even a text. My other DD sent me a text wishing me Happy Mothers Day, but that's it. Nothing from either one. It was so upsetting seeing everyone with their mothers and their children, whilst I was alone. 😢

Both my DD were so detached from home, and me and DH when they were at uni, and it was so hard to adjust and adapt. They were also quite rude and ungrateful at times.

Don't take it to heart OP, but yeah as pps have said, message her and ask her if she got the package and if she liked it. I bet she messages back and says 'oh year, I love it mum, sorry for not messaging sooner. I promise you it's not deliberate!

My 2 DD are much better now (late 20s) and more thoughtful and we spend time together on Mothers Day and my birthday etc, but even now, I can sometimes wait 2 days for a response to a Whatsapp message, as their lives are sooooo busy. Personally I don't think it would take them more than 30 seconds to send a quick message back, but that's a whole other thread!

I think her life is just busy but I wouldn't be afraid of asking if you can have a FaceTime call soon. It's perfectly reasonable to make an effort to stay in touch once your child leaves home. My daughter is in her final year and occasionally I had to say - hellloooo - give me a call! In her first year. It's settled down since and she's always calling! As long as it's not every few days - calling them once a fortnight really isn't needy in my opinion - it's checking they're ok.

Different perspective - I wondered if she is missing you and home a lot - whilst also embracing her new world. I wondered if really engaging with the hamper was difficult for her as it reminded her of you and everything she has left behind at home, and so to kind of forge on forwards she has kind of blotted it out of her mind.

@BumpyaDaisyevna I very much doubt it! we live in a tiny village with no busses after 6.30pm. She’s found what appear to be firm friends, booze and a big cosmopolitan city and she’s very much making the most of the free night bus back and forth to halls in the small hours. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Thank Goodness.

She has been let loose on a parent free world. They forget you are at home worrying about them and wanting conversation. I am lucky if I get a text once in a blue moon - she is yr 2 - super independent which is fine but I check in by message once a week and sometimes I am allowed a phone call!!

For now they want their freedom and a well supported child goes forth and gets on with it leaving the loving family in their wake, unappreciated. They will change probably around 28/30 for now we observe from the outer edges of their orbit awaiting their scraps.

I got really upset at first but now make the effort to go and see her (she has been home about 3 times in coming up two years) and do things she likes in London. Its sad but means we did our job well.