No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

I think she probably thought that your gift justified more than a quick text and intended to get a thank you card or send a long newsy email, and she has got overtaken by events.Then the more time goes past, the less appropriate a quick thank you becomes I really don't think she has deliberately ignored you.
After a term st uni she will appreciate home and family all the more!

Thank you for all your different perspectives. Fwiw it was a brown cardboard box - not a F&M basket with straps. The tissue was a few layers thick, but around all the contents - nothing was wrapped individually (other than the booze in bubble wrap). I really don’t think she is too distracted to send a quick text. And she’s normally really polite, so I’m worried I’ve messed up with the contents. Maybe she felt talked down to. Some of the things I put in there were deliberately meant to be a bit tongue in cheek nostalgic from childhood (those sweetie necklace things and some glow bracelets), there was a daft homemade thing as a token, there was also a drinking game / escape room thing that I thought she might do with her new mates one quiet Sunday afternoon, the rest of it was all spendy ‘grown up’ treats and booze. I put in a one sentence note about some things I’d seen that I thought she’d like. No gushy “missing you” stuff. Maybe the nostalgia stuff was too babyish - but I pictured glow bracelets used on a late night pub/club crawl, not during a pass the parcel session. Maybe sending her something to do with her mates is sticking my oar in. Who knows? I think I’ll leave it and bring it up lightly at Christmas to see if I got it wrong.

This seems quite cruel OP. I assume you are also helping her out financially so she can attend uni?

Not if there's a backstory we don't know about and the gift is an act of manipulation

Well I guess not but that's quite the leap...we can only go from what is said.

‘Hi darl, I sent you a big parcel, did it arrive?’

‘Yes mum, loved it, sorry been slammed with work, I meant to say thank you!’

Sorted

Explaining rather than excusing, @CurlewKate . OP does seem to be overthinking and over dramatising a one off non event. 18 year olds can be selfish idiots sometimes, especially when they start uni. One lapse in manners is hardly a complete personality change as OP is characterising it. We all make mistakes.

I would be more concerned about the late night drunken texts if I were OP and asking advice about that rather than worrying about if her DD’s silence is a passive aggressive message about a candy necklace being an embarrassing gift.

If I received that gift I'd find it quite OTT and smothering.

It's a bit rude not to say this is for such a nice gift. My DDs were always quick to respond if I sent them anything even if it was just cosy socks and a bar of chocolate!

Thanks I mean.

OP this sounds like such a kind, thoughtful gesture. I was at university not so very long ago and a parcel like that would have made me feel really loved! Not at all pressured or smothered (appreciate some people may feel differently). I would probably text as hopefully it will put your mind at ease - never nice to be worrying! But you sound like a great mum :)

She is either being forgetful or passive aggressive and may move on to gaslighting you if you ask her about it.

Don't let her gaslight you!

She may not have appreciated it but I'm sure you brought her up to be polite. And so I'm afraid I think she is being passive aggressive.

My younger daughter is passive aggressive to me. She is adopted and has attachment difficulties - I'm not suggesting your daughter has this. But I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.

I have had to realise that I can't control what happens. If I do X as a surprise it invariably backfires so I never do surprises. I tend to wait for her to come to me, and that is more likely to happen if I stay quiet- she gets a bit panicky then and over compensates.

Your daughter does contact you and maybe focus on that for now. She clearly doesn't want gifts. Don't mention it and see what happens. She will know it's her bad and her turn to respond. She is waiting for you to fix it for her by mentioning it. Sit tight!!

You do indeed, sound like a lovely mother.

In his first year at uni, our eldest was prone to being quite the arsehole. I remember we schlepped up there (3 hours) to take him out for a birthday lunch and he SO could not wait to get rid of us and back to his mates.

I can remember being quite the arsehole myself. I went in the 90s, so there was no texting or frequent calls to my parents. I pretty much ignored them.

It wouldn’t have killed your daughter to send a quick thank you text. But she’s being a first year arsehole. It does get better and we got our lovely son back, but better. I’d scale back the care packages if I were you.

I think it’s quite a lot as well, but then parents and DC are all different. I remember feeling that I was being too hands-off/neglectful when I heard what DD’s flatmates mother was giving them. I just send DD her monthly allowance and leave it up to her. But at the same time, when I do (rarely) send a parcel, it is nice to know it has been received. There have been times when I have had to prompt ‘did the parcel arrive?’ So if I were the OP, I would not overthink it. You sent the parcel, your DD received it.

I would message and say had any good parcels delivered recently?

I think it's a bloody rude but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt in case she meant to thank you and then forgot. First term is intense.

Tbh I'd message ds could be forgetful in his first year . We had weekly proof of life chats normally Sunday tea time but when ever suited him. Sometimes 5 mins Sometimes an hour! They do change but normally a couple weeks at home sorts them out

I recieved a money gift for my birthday within a month of going to uni. Too 'busy' to say thank you. No gifts for 3 years. I learnt my lesson.
Similar position with my son (older....33 on Friday). Sent him a significant amount of money in card. So far no response. Currently I'm putting it down to keeping money and card for his birthday day (not anticipating seeing him) but if no response then I'll be returning stuff I've got him for Christmas.

Oh crikey it sounds a bit smothering
Things change and Your DD will be meeting new people and cutting tha apron strings a bit
Just ping her cash via bank transfer in the future, the stuff sounds more for you than her.
She probably having a whale of a time and found it a bit cloying.

I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't have messaged excitedly to say 'did you get your package?'
My son is at uni and when I send stuff I always check he has it.

wtf?It is a loving gesture.

It's from her MOTHER! How on earth is it OTT and 'smothering?' 😆

This thread has reached peak batshittery.

This! WTAF? ANOTHER poster calling it smothering. Give me strength!

It's a mother sending a care package to her daughter at uni FFS!

Things from her childhood?
Sweetie necklaces and glow sticks?
She's branching out being an adult making her own decisions , it's an exciting/ scary / affirming time
It's wise to realise that things and relationships change.

She's rude not to have thanked you whether she felt it was ott or not. You brought her up to have manners and she's momentarily forgotten them. I'd message her - 'Did you get my parcel? Xx' That's all, no apology for smothering (you weren't) or weasely apologies - you did a lovely thoughtful thing and she's just forgotten herself for a minute. Jog her memory for a thank you and then forget it.