No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

She's barely more than a kid, in her head she probably thinks oh that's really lovely and forgets you won't telepathically get the message, Just message her and ask if she liked it, it's no big deal. Kids at this age are totally self absorbed and trying to build a whole new world around them.

Don't blow this up into some drama, and stop trying not to message her first! It's like you're playing games with a new boyfriend or something! She's not cringing or horrified, she's just caught up in her new life. She may only have picked it up very recently too. Just message her.

I think the problem may be you actually haven't had a chat with her since september , you said you only had texts since then, we all know texts can be open to interpretation, and disjointed if you are getting the 3 am pissed ones!!

You are missing her, worrying she's changing, so sent her a text say you will call her for a chat at weekend what time suits, give you a chance to catch up, i think if you feel more connected to her then you won't worry so much the lack of a thank you is some message to you.

I agree it’s hurtful - but I don’t agree with saying this say this - it’s both passive aggressive and feels needy. Just express directly what you want from her!

I would send a message saying ‘hi my love, I know you’re busy and all caught up in university life - please can you let me know when you receive parcels / packages I send so I don’t worry about whether they’ve been received or not. Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas’ or similar

Lead with love + understanding. Express your need directly. Close with more love. She’ll get your message loud and clear and is much more likely to respond affirmingly

I am sure she is really happy.

But you can't live with a family for 18 years and not miss them and find it a massive change to live away from them ... it's not mutually exclusive and it doesn't mean it isn't a great thing for her to be doing ...

I think there might be a narrative around (in her head and maybe in yours too) that the only feelings that can be experienced are the amazing feelings of this new life, all these excitements and so on (which I am sure are all there).

I think other parts of the picture eg homesickness, missing you, maybe get pushed aside. I wonder if she doesn't want to be reminded of you too much and what she has left behind, as it gets in the way of "only" experiencing the excitement etc.

Given she is normally a thoughtful girl and this is out of character, something must be going on with her.

Gifts can be and are used as manipulation tools in relationships sometimes. (Hell, the Hare Krishnas built their whole recruitment strategy around it.) Stalkers often give "thoughtful" gifts to manipulate the victim into a feeling of obligation. OP said it was an elaborate and expensive package. People absolutely do use gift-giving as a way to serve their own emotional needs and not the recipient's, and if the recipient senses that they may well be less grateful than thinking "here we go again". Or that may not be true at all. I don't know. But this is clearly about more for the OP emotionally than thinking her DD has been a bit rude.

She probably went to ring and got caught up in something. She hasn't changed personality by being in a different place.

Do ask has a little surprise arrived safe and sound. If it was me I would have been absolutely mortified and honestly a little upset because I would have known how much mum would have worked on getting the right bits.

Hopefully this can be a story you can both look back on favourably in the future.

It is bloody rude.

you can't live with a family for 18 years and not miss them and find it a massive change to live away from them ...

You can't? I'm a robot then. I didn't miss anyone when I started at uni. I was having a great time. The change was all good for me.

Wow.
Is this how family members usually communicate - or in this case, not communicate - with each other?

My mum sometimes sends me packages (I'm from a different country).
If I forget to say thank you (life can get in the way..I'm not rude, but it happened), my mum simply just asked if I got it, and if I liked it. That's it. Why would you overthink this when you can just ask?

Be blunt "I didn't bring you up to ignore people who go to some effort to send you gifts. It won't be happening again"

(I have a 17 yo) I tell her when she is rude. If she did that to someone else it is not good for her.

Absolutely.

Maybe she’s waiting to thank you in person or planning on buying you a thank you card but distracted with every thing going on around her and not got round to it x

Can't you just text her and ask if she received her gift?

Ah bless you! Don’t get into a spat about it. She will need you sooner or later, just maybe not now. She is probably living her best life and it has slipped her mind. Or she might have felt a bit embarrassed at the post room to get a big parcel from home. It might not fit with her new ‘cool’ persona. I loved my mum to bits when I went to uni but I didn’t miss her loads and always felt a bit of a fool when she rang the pay phone in halls. Yes it’s rude but she won’t be rude forever. Please don’t giving her a telling off like other posters are suggesting.

I have one graduate and one at uni now.

As long as they are communicating I'm happy.
I love that they are so close that I'm often left out of the loop now I've become accustomed to it!

I often have to ask one or the other what they are up to. They are more likely to confide in each other than an old lady like me 😂

They do change exponentially when they first go away.

However I would do what others have said and drop her a message just asking if she's got the package.

Tbh, you come across as bit dramatic; knock me off my perch flabbergasted etc etc
a simple text; did you get your hamper would have solved this.

Any chance she’s sent a thank you card/note and it just hasn’t arrived yet?

Otherwise just mention it and say you weren’t sure it arrived as she hadn’t mentioned it. Try your very best not to be passive aggressive!

Yes this. Just ask her if she got it.. she’s probably been meaning to say thank you and then let it go on too long. If you receive anyone other than a ‘omg yes I did I love it - sorry for not saying thank you sooner’ text I would be surprised!

She probably just genuinely forgot, I wouldn't read too much into it.

To avoid sounding passive-aggressive, I'd text and ask a qu about the items in the basket, e.g. "Son said you'd got the basket safe and sound, just to check it was the rose scent/lemon flavour x you liked wasn't it? They had/didn't have y"

Did she get it ?
my daughter hardly ever says thank you to me .

Bloody hell. I'd never send anything if the recipient didn't have the simple courtesy of acknowledging receipt.

I once sent my DD a package she wasn't expecting. About a week after it would have arrived I asked her about it. Stolen from her doorstep. If she was as rude as some people being described here we'd never have known.

No wonder a lot of us are having issues with the rude younger people around us. (not all of them. Just the rude ones)

I am very much in the same place as you OP. I don't think it was cringe or that she is necessarily sending a message by not acknowledging it. I think it's my role to keep being interested and present in her life, so I do try and do phone calls but they are not that flowing sometimes! And I have had to take a few rebuffs on the chin and wait for her to be ready - it actually works much better when she has suggested a call.

Your DD was very thoughtless. I used to send care packages to my DD who used to suffer a lot with tonsillitis. I'd put in Strepsils, Paracetamol, Beecham's hot lemon sachets, hot blackcurrant flu sachets and Soother sweets as well as tampons in case she didn't feel well enough to go out and a £10 note in case she could get someone to get her ice-cream. She always used to send a text to say thank you. I even got a text from one of her room mate once to say thank you as DD had shared flu sachets with her. I wouldn't say anything now but when she comes home I'd say it would have been nice to receive a thank you for your efforts.

When my older sister used to come home from uni my Mum used to send her back with a huge food parcel that included a couple dozen eggs from my Grans hens, and initially a dozen cupcakes. Later it went to 2 dozen. She said her housemates couldn't wait for her to get back with the cakes. After Xmas she used to take back a couple dozen mince pies. I think Mums sending adult kids food is quite common so don't feel bad because you did something nice for your DD.