No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

I agree with others. Its perhaps too OTT. Don't fall into the Wiwikau trap of sending such gifts. These are usually for parents who can't let go rather than the students who don't want to be infantilised.

I didn't mind receiving parcels when I was at uni, but one thing I did find almost "painful" was going back home at the end of term. I always felt infantilised, after having some independence. But my parents understood the importance of university leading to independence: they were shocked that so many of my peers had their parents with them at open days, which was unthinkable for them.

I'd message and ask...and say you were worried.it had gone missing..

I'm sorry OP but even if it was "too much" and/or "cringe" you still deserved an acknowledgement for the time, love, thought and money put into the gift and I would be hurt and pretty pissed off if I was you. Surely after 19yrs being parented by you she knows you and your history well enough to understand the thoughts behind each carefully chosen gift.
I'd be pulling her up on her total lack of manners, she should have acknowledged it at the bare minimum even if it was "cringe" and she didn't know how to tell you that. FWIW I don't think it's cringe, I think it's a lovely carefully thought through gift

She’s your DD. Just ask?

“Did you like the hamper btw? Sorry if it was a bit much!”

I think I’d just let it go all together. You did something nice, and you’re really missing her and thinking about her a lot.

She was probably momentarily grateful, then had to do some stuff, lectures/ friends/ parties/ life admin. She probably missed home too, but isn’t thinking about it much because she’s so busy and everything is new.

I’d let it slide. Certainly wouldn’t ask if it arrived. And go easy on her at Christmas - it is overwhelming going away for university, and even more overwhelming coming home for the first time, slightly unsure of where your place is, feeling more independent and then slotting back in to a kid role.

I understand how hurtful this would be.

However I would let this one go. She's going through a massive transition. You say it's out of character. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Things from home can be painful or feel out of place. Of course she should have apologised. But you know you've raised a daughter who would in normal circumstances do that. I wouldn't be another pressure at this point in her life. If she thinks you're hurt it adds a whole layer of stress to the thought of returning home. As hard as it is, take it on the chin and let her come home in the most uncomplicated way possible. Things might seem clearer then.

It’s the new age. Many young people do not send thank you’s unless they are standing next to you. It’s hard, but don’t take it personally.

I would have thought she would have loved it. Is she in a shared house? I'm wondering if she opened it in front of new friends who thought it was a bit Richie Rich?

I'd just message saying "hope you got the hamper and liked it!"

Do you have a poor relationship with her OP? Not being snarky at all, your posts don’t at all read like you do and you sound lovely with a thoughtful gift but I just can’t imagine feeling his anxiety about my DD who I have a very good relationship with. I wouldn’t fret or feel worried at all, I’d probably just jovially think cheeky mare too busy to send me a thanks! I can think of a time or two I’ve bought her a gift that I do think probably fell a bit flat but I don’t worry at all that it embarrassed or upset her or that she was annoyed, it wouldn’t even cross my mind.

Has she behaved in a way that has made you think she has negative feelings about it, or did her brother say something? Otherwise she’ll just be busy (as PPs say, she’s going through a whirlwind right now) and I don’t think her lack of response will be you-centred in anyway shape or form.

My dd either complained the present wasn't what she wanted or said nothing. I stopped sending her gifts 20 years ago

Good grief... what on earth is passive aggressive about checking whether a dd has received a hamper safely when living in Halls? Not sure if you've lived in Halls or had a child living in Halls, stuff goes missing! Legit question. I know OP knows she got it, but it might at least provoke a response from her DD. If she asks her brother why their mum is asking that he may like to say I think she was expecting some sort of response from you and was worried

Its so nice of people to help me think of this from different points of view.

I talked to her at various points today - It snowed heavily where she now lives . The silly handmade item I sent her was a reigned in Lenny Kravitz style scarf - kind of useful in snow perhaps? …. Nowt. I’m like the wind with wool and she knows that- so it was a bit more than an evenings work. I wanted to shriek “ FFS! “ a bit, but she was so nice and chatty and frantic about how she hasn’t got a second to think that I just need to stop fretting.

@justanothercuppa I’ve never felt we had anything other than a nice, normal relationship. Calm mainly - no shouting or problems, but also no jolly shopping and brunch, if you know what I mean. My relationship with my mother was bedlam. I suspect I’m still waiting for things to go tits up.

But why didn’t you say ‘did you wear the scarf I knitted you in the snow today?’

Surely she’d either go ‘not sure what you’re on about!’ Or ‘oh shit yeah, thanks so much for the package!’

@CarrotPencil because I know she got it, and she knows I know she got it and for reasons that I truly cannot fathom, she’s decided to totally pretend it didn’t happen? That’s why I started this thread - it makes no sense 🤷‍♀️

I agree that’s weird. But I would still say what I suggested - surely someone has to mention it at some point 😄 I guess you’ll never know if you don’t ask WTF is going on.

I truly can’t understand why you haven’t just mentioned it to her. Something like ‘I’m a little disappointed you haven’t mentioned the gift I sent - was it all right?’ All of this fretting is completely needless!

I'm sorry but I think I might be a bit embarrassed by being sent a box with tissue papered lining from my mum with 'essentials' in the first week of uni. She wants to feel independent. Is probably partying etc. But she still should've thanked you. Maybe don't send stuff unless it's requested though. She's only got a small space so will not want loads of things she doesn't feel she needs. If she does need something then she should buy it with her own budget.

I find this all really odd. She’s your daughter. Why all the hand wringing about whether she might have thought it was cringe, or you should back off etc? It’s like a thread someone would start about a gift they sent to a new partner. This is your daughter. Just talk to her and ask her why she didn’t acknowledge it.

FWIW I would have loved my mum to send me a parcel at any time in my life, but especially when I'd first left home. My mum used to send me letters that made me cry (and not in a good way).

I think a lot of students do get a bit above themselves in that first term in particular and are often unbearable in the first Christmas break - if you post a thread about that I'm sure a lot of people will join in. The independence goes to their heads (they forget they're actually reliant on their parents for that independence) and honestly, they can't believe how little their parents know about anything at all. You might find you have to grit your teeth quite a bit this Christmas.

As for now, I would mention the package when you next speak to her but remember she has actually been rude in not acknowledging it. You are not to blame for her reaction to a lovely parcel.

And buy some headphones for yourself for Christmas, so you can drown out the complaints of how provincial everything is back home and how she can't wait to get back. Believe me, by January you won't be able to wait, either! In fact, "Oh me too" might be a good response! She'll get through it and will get back to the girl she was, but you might have to go through a bit of an ordeal first.

I've read your posts but not everyone else's so apologies if this has been said.

Is the reason you're not asking her about it, is because deep down you were looking forward to get acknowledgment and thanks and if you bring it up it's taking that away?

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all but in all honesty, the way you talk about your 'fear' and being 'scared stiff' about a fairly innocuous situation, I think says a lot. Perhaps you are more full on than you may realise and this may have been too much for her.

I would honestly try and let it go. And try not to bottle it all up so it unleashes over the christmas hols at some point! At best, I would mention it when I saw her, offhand, oh btw! I never asked - did you like your parcel?

There's a reason you're overthinking this and I hope you work it all out.

Alright, the whole thread is about why your DD has not said anything about the parcel, but can I make the obvious point here, which is that you don’t seem to have said anything to your DD about the parcel either?

The other obvious point is the one you make that you know she has got it and she knows you know that, so maybe she thinks that is all that is required, because, you know, you have not enquired whether she got it and what she thinks of it?

If the real issue is that she has not said thank you, then you do need to remind her that you brought her up with manners and these extend also to her mother.

I think it is a shame you didn't send what OriginalUsername2 suggested:

“Did you like the hamper btw? Sorry if it was a bit much!”

That way she would have been obliged to say yes and thank you while realising that you acknowledge it was a bit much upon reflection - diffusing the situation and her feelings somewhat. As it is - because you've since spoken and nothing has been said - it has become the elephant in the room.

The parcel was too much in my view - reminders of childhood with the sweetie necklace, mum (i.e. you) trying to be cool with the shot glasses etc. It kind of smacks of not wanting to let her go and also stepping into her new world - that is how I'd feel anyway and perhaps she does. To me, I would want to shrug my mum off a bit when going to university so I could develop; it's normal. She clearly loves you though as you had a nice chat. I think in years to come she might look back on it fondly and realise where you were coming from - but you might have to wait until she has kids that have gone off to university.

Send her a text saying "I forgot to say, hope you liked the hamper, sorry it was a bit much but I wanted to get some stuff together and just went a bit mad lol" or something like that. She might not respond straight away but I would like to think she'll be polite and say "yes, sorry, everything a bit mad here - thanks for everything, it's great". After that drop it.

I don’t understand why you haven’t just asked if she received it or not?

I think you’re being a bit mean.
You’ve given her a gift and that should be that.

Yes it’s of course polite to say thank you but you know she’s got it and she’s in her first term of uni, so she’s got a million things going on, new rules, new people, new accommodation, assignments, cooking, cleaning etc and gently thanking you was I’m sure on her to do list but with everything else going on, not a huge priority and it probably just slipped her mind.

You sound a lovely mum, your post about worrying you had messed up made me really sad, that was a lovely thoughtful gift for your daughter and she’s very lucky to have you thinking of her like that. I don’t have uni age children so no experience but I hope I’m as generous and kind with mine when they are old enough. I would just ask her if she got it and see what she says, I think it’s very rude to not even say thank you though. No one is too busy to drop their mum a text, especially after the effort you went to. My mum would be very hurt if I did the same xxx