No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

It's clearly not about the parcel.

I'm having a hard time to understand why anyone would make a huge deal about nothing when you can just simply ask.

She most likely forgot (Which you would know if you asked!). Or she didn't appreciate the gesture, and in that case, you won't send an other one again. And tell her she is acting like a spoiled brat.

But sitting around and waiting for a thank you and asking strangers on the Internet is very odd to me.

Communication! It's not hard!

You've let this mushroom into a huge issue with all this hand wringing and agonising. This could've been nipped in the bud much sooner if you'd just asked her.

I agree with this. Also, I probably wouldn't want my mum sending me alcohol as it would seem as though she was trying too hard to be a 'cool mum' which could be a bit embarassing. When I went to University donkey's years ago, I didn't want my two worlds to collide. I wanted to behave in a way my mum wouldn't approve of, I didn't want her seal of approval.

Oh gosh. As a mum, I know you were doing something lovely. As a teen she was probably really embarrassed as she was trying to be ‘cool’ with her new mates.
I remember my mum met me at the station with some flowers at the end of my first year. I was with a friend and I was soooooooooooooooooooooo embarrassed. Mortified even. I look back now and think of what a bitch I was and how my mum just loved me, missed me and was excited to see me.
I wish she was still alive. I miss her so ❤️

Have you asked her yet @DarningNeedle ?

Yes, this is all a bit bonkers, isn't it? Just ask instead of fretting and worrying. Maybe she'll say 'Oh my goodness I thought I'd sent you a message!' or whatever. But days of stressing about your whole relationship over this is v OTT. Just send her a message: 'Did you get the package I sent you? Worried it's got lost!' And there we go.

What?!? How on Earth is "did you get my gift" passive aggressive rather than just normal communication? 🤯 What a weird view. I think mulling over it in your own head and not actually asking whether she received it and liked it is playing stupid games and very strange.

Btw OP I think the gift hamper sounded wonderful and I would have absolutely LOVED to receive something like that from my parents when I was at uni! You sound like such a lovely mum 🥰

Just ask her if she liked the hamper!!

I think it’s this, too busy in new life and too personal to deal with connection back to old life and comforts. It also seems quite close to Christmas, like a Christmas stocking hamper, is she coming home for Christmas?

I remember clearly first term at uni and it was manic. Just say did you get it and she’ll probably say Yes! I thought I’d said!

Hi @DarningNeedle I would just ask her outright and say ‘did I annoy you with sending that gift? As you haven’t mentioned it and I wondered why?’. That way you will know either way and it will lesson your worry.

She sounds absolutely fine with you! She's just all wrapped up in her busyness. OP, she is ok, you are ok. Yes, a quick question would sort it, was it ok to send you the hamper, in a straightforward way, but if you don't want to ask then you need to put it behind you.

That's sweet but that would have also irritated me at 18. The booze would have been appreciated but I was more than capable of buying myself sugar and I would not want anyone else choosing my toiletries for me! She may have just forgotten to message you. Or she may have found it a but weird. Either way, just let it go and maybe don't send her another hamper!