No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

Does she know it was from you? Just trying to think why she wouldn't say thanks,

I have several friends with daughters/sons who became quite awful in that first term of uni - obnoxious, selfish, rude, know it all. It seems fairly normal as they get used to their independence and it soon stops. Just make sure you let them know their behaviour is unacceptable and they will soon return to their normal selves.

Hi - OP here. I’ve name changed for this but I’ve been on here since she was born and know the ebb and flow of MN. It’s all fine for everyone to have their view. On the other hand, 19 years of this place had meant that I’m scared stiff of being that mum that mumsnet abhors, so it certainly wasn’t meant to be ‘too much’ - everything I sent her will be consumed or used up and I waited 10 weeks before I sent anything at all. I may or may not be over thinking it, but I do know my daughter and I think she might have found it a bit much, because this is really out of the ordinary for her.
The other things in the parcel were a set of 8 metal stacking shot glasses in a pocket leather case, Molton Brown handwash, cashmere socks, silly price hot chocolate pearls, a pricey shower Bluetooth speaker, baileys and spiced rum.

It is completely normal , they have to detatch to grow up
That's what I meant about the sweetie necklaces etc
Op actually suggested herself it was the reason
My own DD was a right baggage first term, treated her in a polite adult way, sent cash .
Kept communication open.

It's hard but they need a bit of space to figure out who they are

What did she say to your ds about the package? Was he able to gauge whether it was appreciated?

Sounds lovely but honestly she probably would prefer money to spend on food or down the pub 😂

That was a lot @DarningNeedle TBH, but yeah you are her mum! And she could have thanked you! Are you not going to ask her if she got it?

When ds1 went to Uni, the first year he was very distant.
A package like this would not have been that well received i suspect. (Which doesn’t mean it wasn’t thoughtful!)
But I still get a lot of ‘but why did you give me this?’ more puzzled than upset.
It eased if A LOT in second year and even more in 3rd. Mummy got cool again and he is making some efforts iyswim

I think it’s all part of the growing up, becoming independent and ‘mummy’ just isn’t top of the list by any means. Going out, making friends, finding their feet living their life their way take much their time and headspace.

I would just ask if she has received it.
Id hope she’ll then thank you.
I wouldn’t expect more and nor would I see that as a sign of something going wrong. She’ll get there :)

Yes she should have said thank you. It's unacceptable that she didn't.

But yeah, she's probably found the whole thing a bit cringe

Next time just wire her £200 (but I bet you do this already anyway!)

First term they are pretty invisible. I've sent a message before just saying

"You're welcome"

That usually gets a response. There's no excuse for rudeness.

They do improve after the mad term, short of money, sober more often than not.

OP please send me a care package!

You are the exact mother I want to be. (17 years on MN)

Have you considered she might be putting together a return hamper for you? With bits and bobs from nearby shops from her uni. Or perhaps getting a thank you card organised. If its out of character, don’t think the worst. Just give it a bit more time

@imperrysmum

Have you considered that she might be putting together a return hamper for you? With bits and bobs from nearby shops from her uni. Or perhaps getting a thank you card organised.

Yeah, she's not! 😆

Just ask her. Why all this agonising?

How do you know?

if my mum sent me a hamper to uni, id send her one back as a jokey thing with her fav tea bags, local chocolate, biscuits, funny fridge magnet etc

not everyone has the same personality you know 🙄

Aw, this made me a bit sad. I would have loved that at uni - but I also spent the first six months mainly drunk or hungover and really revelling in being away and the freedom of it and I wasn't very good at getting back to my mum.

I don't think she's sending you a message particularly, just being distracted and thoughtless. If it were my mum she'd have just text me and said "Did you get your parcel you ungrateful mare 😆?" so that's my recommendation!

Yes,my DD might do this too.

If DS had been radio silent for a time I'd send him this gif. I'd at least get an acknowledgement that he was okay. Trying to get work finished and handed in when you're partying does take its toll

According to the dcs, gif like this are just a boomer thing.
Not allowed unless you really want to show your age.

Just saying 😆😆

Plus phoning? Using a telephone? Surely you’re joking right?

Well we like using the phone to face time.

As for gifs, it works 😬

I mean it sounds very full on as a hamper. In Nov! She’s trapped into effusive thanks for the super generous gift. Would you really have been ok with ‘thanks for the hamper’? Nah you wanted full on ‘oh thanks so much!!!!!’

it was a bit needy. And she doesn’t like it. And I can see why.

you did it for you, or you would have said ‘sending an hamper’ and ‘did you get the hamper’.

strings

That’s it! You are doing parent - child and she wants adult - adult.

read the transaction analysis Wikipedia page

I'm going to be the cringe mum now - glow sticks are absolutely appalling for the environment, filled with chemicals that will leech out. If she's conscious of this stuff then that's a miss....

Rest of it sounds nice though!

This. Give her a bit of grace but help her out by messaging without being PA to see if it arrived.

Is her brother still at home?

She probably sees you all as a unit and the fact she spoke to him feels like she's acknowledged it and shown gratitude.

It's a lovely gift and you are overthinking it if you think a misplaced candy necklace would cause radio silence, that's a bit silly.

Either she forgot to contact you separately or has just been busy. It sounds like you have a great relationship and she really talks to you about everything, don't mess that up by being funny about a forgotten thank you.