No response to a gift sent to University - not sure how to handle it.

[DarningNeedle]

I put together a big hamper of some quite carefully curated gifts for my first term daughter who is away at uni. Spent ages on it and quite a lot of money. Lots of faffy tissue etc. No soppy notes or anything, but clearly there was effort involved. I know she got it last week because her brother told me some of the things in it in conversation. Not a dicky bird in response. I’m flabbergasted- it’s just so unlike her that I’m blind sided to the point of asking strangers for help in how to react! I don’t want to start a long distance spat. Do I just let it slide? I feel for the first time since she left that she might come back a very different person, which is probably why I’m reeling more than is perhaps necessary. Was it too cloying, perhaps? I wonder if I’ve made myself look like a distastefully love sick fan. Am I still supposed to pull my adult children up for Ps and Qs? It’s bothering me far more than I want it to.

I agree with you

This!

Just ask !!!!!

I think there are possibly a few younger people closer to my oldest daughters age that have replied just now - I hope I’m not putting 2 and 2 together and making 5. I’d value your opinion more than anyone else on how to navigate this.

Love her loads. Don’t want to be a pain in the ass.

Generally, being straightforward is the clearest and simplest way to communicate - no second guessing that way. Fannying around is being very annoying and a ‘pain in the ass’. Just ask her if she got the box!!! Ask once and no need to keep wondering and hinting and guessing.

I would have loved my mum to do this too (I finished uni in 2015).

Just ask her!

I think that the only possible answer is that she felt that it was too much. Perhaps she opened it in front of friends and they ribbed her. It's definitely a back off vibe as she's not acknowledged it.

This is bonkers. I think you've been on Mumsnet too long if it's making you overthink things to this extent.

If my mum had sent me something like this and I didn't thank her she'd say something along the lines of, did you get it? Well a thank you might have been nice Mrs Schnikelfritz! I'd have apologised and thanked her and we'd have moved on. That's how I'd deal with it with my daughter too.

Come on, this is your daughter!! Stop tip toeing around and worrying what some Muppet on Mumsnet thinks and just talk to her.

I think you are right to be upset. It's bloody rude of her and I bet you brought her up better than that. Also you said you have not heard from her other than messages since September yet she's facetimed her brother? Thoughtless and selfish which is classic 19 year old behaviour.
I wouldn't let it go, I'd say I hope you liked the care package, I thought you might have said thank you.

Why all the over analysing and responses based on making excuses for her.

OP, you went to a lot of effort, thought, and kindness. Your DD has been very rude in not at least texting a thank you. That's a bare minimum! Better yet, a face time call or even a bunch of flowers or a little card in the post.

The world's truly gone mad when we are worrying about upsetting our young people over something they should bloody well be upset about!!

I'm not ancient, I'm early 40s, and there's no way I'd ever accept such rudeness. No need to argue over it but I'd definitely address it.

The cheek!

OP, she’s so damn lucky to have you. If it is her being ungrateful, she will change her tune one day.

It’s such a thoughtful thing you did. Spoiling and supporting her. I think I would mention to her that you’ve wondered if she’d received it. It could be that she typed up a massive thank you text and it didn’t send… I like to think there must be an explanation to these things… and I hope there is in this case.

I’m 41 and lost both my parents within 2 years of each other a few years back. So not young, but I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t say thank you on purpose…

It's a rude and selfish 'vibe'.

Yes, I don't really agree with the way some on here seem to believe we shouldn't ever bother our young adults but should wait around for them to throw us a crumb of contact. It is absolutely normal for them to be a bit selfish and wrapped up in themselves at that age but that doesn't mean you can't teach them to do better. How do they learn about relationships if nobody ever pulls them up on stuff like this?

You sound like the loveliest, most thoughtful Mum ever! It could just be a blip, maybe she thought she'd messaged and just completely forgot. It's easily done when you are just enjoying yourself too much. I agree it's rude but truly if it's so out of character it is likely not intentional. The contents sound amazing, and I am sure she is grateful and most importantly she feels loved. Try not to worry too much Xxx

@DarningNeedle

She more than likely loves your gifts. She’s received them, mentioned the package to her brother, will use them, drink them and eat them and will enjoy the package in the way you intended.

She’s just forgotten to phone and thank you. She’s wrapped up in her studies and uni life and didn’t give it a second thought, because she’s not seeing you through the day and you’re a long way away.

She’d probably feel bad if she realises you’re concerned or disappointed. But at the same time, she’s still a selfish teen, and I mean that in a nice way. Most of them are.

I wouldn’t make a fuss about it. Just ask her if she liked it next time you speak to her. I’m sure she’ll say she loved it.

There's some really odd people on this thread with really poor relationships with their mums. All the 'Urgh, cringe, just wire her some money' nonsense. And some kind of implication as well that you don't say thank you unless you liked a gift - what's that about?

But yeah also OP it's a bit weird of you not to just mention the parcel and say 'Brother said you got the parcel - have you tried the hot choccy yet?' or something along those lines.

It's a bit OTT to go to so much effort with it
A hamper like that would be too much in our family

But if it's what you would normally do, then fine

Either way, she should at least say thanks

This, as above.

I would just completely let this slide. I have a first year uni student as well. It's a major transition.

Hmm I also have a daughter away at uni. I send her a lot of parcels, I always have. She has sometimes not collected parcels for up to a week, and sometimes not said thanks (usually parcels are things she needs and has asked for but I also send nice things here and there). I have told her it upsets me, and at times we have argued about it, as it is bloody annoying to send something expensive that she has requested and then not know if she has picked it up or not. She has taken this on board thankfully.
I know as mothers we are conditioned to put our children first, and I do that too, but frankly I make a lot of effort to help and support my children and my feelings matter too. I think mothers can be too self sacrificing and actually part of becoming an adult is seeing your Mum as a person in her own right and not some sort of a slave to you. So I do call my daughters out if they have been bloody rude, or hurt my feelings, and they also tell me if I have hurt their feelings, and although we sometimes argue we work it out. Or at least we have done so far… so OP I think you should tell her ! Say “Hey Daughter, I sent a nice package and it has upset me that you haven’t acknowledged it at all.”

This time last year DS1 was in his first term at university too.

At home the kids always had a chocolate advent calendar each, and I’d have a traditional picture calendar. I sent DS a chocolate one, and he then surprised me by saying he’d like a picture one too, the same as mine, so we could have the same pictures. I couldn’t find the identical one in the local shop, so I had to go to the next town to buy it. I posted it, and waited to be thanked. No thanks came. Eventually I asked DS if it had arrived. He said not, so I assumed it was lost, and travelled again to the next town to buy another one, and posted that too. Still no thanks. Anyway, a couple of weeks later I collected him for Christmas, and he had both picture calendars. He admitted he hadn’t actually gone to the post room until that morning, even though it was literally 100 yards from his room! I’d gone to so much trouble and he couldn’t even be bothered to walk 100 yards. I think he was just so distracted by the strangeness of his new life, he just couldn’t focus on anything really. It’s much more civilised now he’s in the 2nd year. More like normal life, not the crazy whirl of freshers life.

OP I expect your DD is just on another planet right now.

You, and your parcel, sound absolutely lovely. I'm sorry you've had your feelings hurt and I really hope she makes up for it soon.

You're overthinking this entirely. You've got a lovely relationship with her that won't be spoiled by you asking if she got/ like the box of gifts that you sent. Just do that - no more overthinking!

What’s with all the weird passive aggressive suggestions for a text between a mum and daughter?!

I have two at uni and would text “hello?!! It’s normal to say thank you when your amazing mum sends fabulous presents”

DD1 would text immediately gushing about how amazing it was and how sorry and embarrassed she is for not texting straight away but she’s been sooooo busy

DS1 would text between immediately and 48 hours saying yeah thanks love you.

there’s no excuse for not managing a thank you

Yes it’s very sad. She’s not grown up enough to be able to deal with this. That will take years. But the gift was too much, in every sense. I was once that child, and that mother. I can still feel the guilt of the irritation that I felt when my mother sent me stuff. Though I do remember the couple of times when she sent me something very simple when I was going through a tough time. I remember sitting on an old doorstep in despair and the postman came with a box of Maltesers, from my mum. So thoughtful so lovely.
it’s all about the painful job of separation, of finding your own self free and in denial of family baggage. Essential.
I remember after finding the house share for DD and dropping her off with all her stuff and her not coming home in term times at all, snd when I went to visit as I left she took me to the door and shut it. I so wanted her to wave me goodbye and smile. But she didn’t, it seemed so harsh. So there it is. Every child and every mother does it a different way but quite honestly I think it is a good sign. They will grow up to be their own person and it will be so much better in the end.
I think you have to be rejecting, rejected and forgiving and forgiven, less words the better. the old roles have to be smashed so the new ones can grow. And they will.

I agree you've let this get too big now and are overanalysing and overthinking it all.

Just address it. Did you get the parcel? And move on.

This thread has upset me. OF COURSE she should have said "Thankyou".

I showed DD(17and off to uni next year) She instantly said "it was rude and entitled" but she is Spanish and Spanish DCs would NEVER disrespect their family.

It was rude and there are some odd replies on this thread.