He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

I wonder ( if you did call the police) what she told the attending officer/S about why she didn't want to return to you and her step father.
Who decided to involve the police ? You or step father?

Teens who would have them!?!

I fought like cat and dog with my (Step) dad and it wasn't till I moved out on my own and grew up a bit that I realised it wasn't always him (tough pill!). My dad is old school and a crabbit git - ex-military and was getting older and sorer. I was a teenage drama queen with a chip on my shoulder. He never raised a hand to me but by fuck was I more afraid of him than my own mother! (he hates that I thought that of him by the way)

After moving out and growing up we were able to make it work and I am by far his favourite now. We are as close as we ever could be and he has always got my back. Living together just didn't work and that happens in families. Personalities clash and kids need to grow up and mature to see that parents are (normally) only trying to help or guide them. But as teenagers, we all thought we knew best didn't we?

Her SEN needs are problematic but give her some time at dads to cool off and reach out to school and whatnot to make them aware of the situation. Make sure you have in writing, for her dad, what she needs and what she is receiving at present. It will show that she has been supported and how he needs to step up if he's going to take her own full-time.. which I doubt he will if he's a feckless wonder.

Also, speak to your husband .. he's not blameless in this neither are you. If they fight all the time he needs to learn when to back off and leave it to you. Even if it's letting her get into trouble and you dealing with it. Now I'm not saying she gets off Scott free but he needs to learn that sometimes a quiet word to you will make for an easier life for everyone.

Hope it works out

If she moves to a new school will the SEN department talk to her about why she changed schools?

Seems like she needs an independent person to talk to. If it goes to court will CAFCASS get involved and support the DD?

Her voice is important and needs to be heard. She sounds very unhappy.

It's completely beyond me why people shack up with a new partner when they still have children at home, and even worse go on to have more children with the new partner. It's a recipe for disaster and resentment. It seems that 90% of the relationship and child estrangement disasters we read about on Mumsnet are to do with so-called "blended families".

I’ve not read the full thread here but court for a 13 year old is a total waste of money.

if she doesn’t want to stay with you that’s up to her. If the courts were able to drag her back kicking and screaming you’d ruin that relationship completely.

I would suggest waiting a week and then asking to meet somewhere neutral to talk to over.

To be fair, MN posters tend to only post when there's a disaster to speak of. As someone who is a 'normal' step parent (do excuse the username - running joke with my DSC) I can assure you it's generally a pretty banal existence all round.

However, OP - she's 13. Your ex didn't refuse to give her back - she chose to stay. You just need to let her stay there and see what happens. Likely she'll want to come back in a week or two, and if she doesn't you may need to accept the step dad issue is bigger than you thought. Certainly, as a step mum to two teenagers 50% (for 7 years) 'clashing/arguing/bickering' is not as normal as you seem to think. As an adult I'd find that very stressful and it's concerning that you see it as standard. Perhaps your DH needs to address his reactions a bit? Yes, teens are often really annoying...but they're teenagers and the adults need to let it wash over them to some degree. Just seems like your DD has had enough maybe. That's no disrespect to you, your radar may just be off.

**edited typos

No point whatsoever in court, at 13 they will ask what she wants to do and unless you have valid safeguarding concerns they will go with it. All court will do is stress everyone out, cost money and annoy your daughter. She's told you what she wants, you need to respect that. Going round there causing drama will not have helped your relationship with her and you have some rebuilding to do.

Crying on the doorstep begging for a 'why?' and then, when that didn't work, calling the police must have been quite traumatic for your daughter. How would guilting her into returning for your own happiness be good for her? Because that is how she will see it.
I'm wondering whether you have controlled the contact and shut down any previous request to spend more time with her dad? I say this because it's clear that you are not 'hearing' what your dd is, and probably has been, saying to you. You've completely minimised the impact of the, in your own words, turbulent relationship she has with a man who she had no say over living in her home as well as dismissively saying she has a habit of making things up.
You said you'd support her if they went about it the 'right way'. If that's the case, why not support her now if she wants to spend more time with her dad?
Not sure it's possible after your carry on but surely discussing things calmly in a few days and being open to compromise would be much better than police and court?
Right now, to her, it is her dad that has her back. Her dad that is listening to her. You really want to rethink your reaction because nothing is saying to her that you are also doing so

I have read so many posts when the step father may lay the law down every now and again , peeps don't like that on this site, I agree totally with you, my husband has been a stepfather to my kids for years and has supported them, took them on holidays anything a blood parent would be expected to do ( and in my case their father didn't) and just coz he is a stepfather the kids can run riot.
My two older boys went back to their dad coz they weren't allowed to stay out all night and roam the streets and had to go to school, they soon come back when they realised the grass wasn't greener

Wrong thread sorry!

Unless you feel she's unsafe with her dad, there's no harm for her to stay a few days, even a few weeks with him. People of all ages go abroad for extended period, visit long lost relatives, discover cultural roots etc all the time. Think of it as a time away for her to explore her relationship with her dad.
I know it's very hard to let go of control when you have a SEN kid as every step feels like a struggle and to potentially giving up all that has been achieved (particularly on the hard fought school places) on someone's whim would feel completely unforgivable...however, you must understand, not everything and everyone is within your control and what transpire in the meantime might be a journey of self discovery for you.

If your parents are in a couple (even if not with each other) they tend to have more money, more stability and are often happier. Having a supportive step-parent is another positive influence in a child's life. If, like my SD, you love being around younger kids, baby siblings are a bonus- she has one on each side and loves them to bits. Just because some Mumsnet posters have a dysfunctional blended family does not mean all blended families are miserable.

I think you're estimating how horrible it is for a teenage girl to be stuck with a stepdad she doesn't like. If I'd have had a realistic alternative when I was a teenager, I'd have moved out too. It is important to acknowledge that she probably sees you as prioritising your husband above her, especially as you minimise the arguments as her being 'a moody teen' even though he's clearly engaging too. If she's better off with her dad, then let her stay there. It doesn't sound like this is totally out of the blue tbh. Either there's been a build up to this, or something has happened that's acted as a catalyst for her not to want to live with you any more.

Honestly?

If you want to retain any relationship at all with her you need to take a step back.

You are not behaving like the adult here. You turned up at her doorstep crying and created a melodramatic scene. You called the police fgs. She is, as you say, 13. But she wasn't the one being a drama llama.

She doesn't like your partner, and you know what? She doesn't have to. She's a teenager and she has two parents. Perhaps she'll learn that Dad's isn't the bed of roses she thinks it is, and want to come home, but she won't if you continue to guilt trip her and create a massive conflict with her father and start talking about court.

No court is going to make her live with you, instead of her dad, against her wishes at 13 when he can say what a massive scene you created when she didn't want to come home. You're talking about how you feel and what you want and how stupid and unreasonable she is and how awful your ex, but nowhere in here have you talked, or seemingly thought, about how she feels, or what she needs or wants.

If this is really a storm in a teacup the person who is making it a hurricane here is you. She is not your property and you can't call the police to get her returned. That's not how this works. No court will give a crap what you want, nor what her father wants: all they will care about is what she needs, and yes, wants.

If you want her to want to live with you you need to start by calming things the shit down and thinking about maybe arranging a time to see her, just the two of you, maybe for a meal or a coffee, to talk through why she feels as she does. You need to stop focusing on your feelings and start focusing on your relationship with your DD because if you keep on the way you are, a minor drama in her early teens may become entrenched into a real split and you could lose her.

She may be being ridiculous and unfair and your ex may be awful. I have no idea. I do know that you owe her a massive apology for turning up on the doorstep and putting your emotions on her shoulders - she is the child here, not you - and as for calling the police? Honestly, words fail me.

Start focusing on her, and her needs, and your relationship with her, and start listening to her. And drop, for the love of God, talk of mediation and court. Because you can't win there unless there are safeguarding issues - it will take a long, long time to reach any hearing by which time the established status quo will be her living with her dad... and her pride will be likely to mean that she can't back down, and admit it even if she did want to come back to you.

Try to think about the 13 year old here. Try to remember being that age. You need to be calm, reasonable and sane. I'd pack a bag with a few of her things, not loads, just maybe a couple of weeks worth, plus school bag and work etc, and pop in a card saying you love her and hope she'll call and you can see her when she's ready, and that she always has a home with you. No drama, no guilt trips, just calm and accepting. You need to give her something to miss - not something to make her feel like she doesn't want to deal with your emotions.

You need to be the safe, sane, grown-up in the room. That's your role. When we have kids, it stops being about us and our emotions because they are the ones who are learning to be human, all while being a bundle of hormones on legs. You need to take a step back and reduce the temperature.

Re reading the OP I don't think it was OP who phoned the police, it reads like the ex did because OP refused to leave the doorstep.

This just makes it all sound even worse, op. I hope this thread will prompt you to self reflect.

Also noticed you refer to her as your 'D' not your DD in the title which speaks volumes.

There doesn't need to be police or court involvement at this stage. Let her be. Just message daily to tell her you love her. Don't try and persuade her home.

It feels like you are fighting for your daughter like the child is a possession, like a sofa or something your ex has that you feel is yours.

She's a human being OP who is likely hormonal and upset that she has to share her mum with some guy and now a SEN child. That's hard going for any child.

Leave her with her dad. Try and help him settle her in by providing anything she needs from her room at yours.

Be kind to her. She's just a kid. But one who is old enough to be able to choose to spend more/all her time with her real dad.

This isn't about you and your tears and snotters 'fighting for your child' or 'I have failed as a mother' type woe-is-me back of the hand on the forehead stuff.

Poor child.

Give it a week. Reassess the situation. Make sure her dad knows her school times/day situation and gets her there in time. Be prepared to do drop off and pick up if they need - but if so DO NOT use this time to nip her head about coming home or emotionally blackmail
her.

OP won’t be back
Didn’t get the responses she’d envisaged

doesn’t want to face fact that her poor girl is now rebelling against what sounds like a pretty tumultuous and unhappy childhood… one month parents departed, next month mum pregnant with another man’s child. And man in question…. sounds like he rules the roost in an unpleasant manner

its a positive she has her father to go to

I think @hillroad is probably right. OP hasn't received the feedback she expected and may not be back.

What really worries me is that OP hasn't responded to any of the numerous comments seeking clarification of this statement about her DD:

She does have a habit of making things up or making them worst for sympathy.

Has the child said anything about her stepfather, I wonder? How many girls who tell their mums that their stepdad is abusing them are accused of lying?

oh bloody hell
i missed that
poor girl
at least she’s with her dad now

I don't think it appearing to be on the spur of the moment is a surprise: she may have believed (true or otherwise) that you'd have stopped her otherwise.

I doubt Op is coming back, but in the hope other parents in similar situations are reading this...

I was a teenage exaggerator, occasionally as far as an outright lie. I was undiagnosed SEN too. It was called attention seeking behaviour. And it was.

But if a kid, whoever they are and however they are doing it, is seeking attention it's because they need it and they can't see any other way of getting it.

My parents were married but had a fair few issues. They thought they were doing a brilliant job but were cursed with a really fucking horrible daughter, although absolutely every other adult who knew me thought I was great. But I knew, really knew, that I couldn't get positive attention from the people who mattered most - my parents. The absolute best thing I could be for them was invisible so I was less inconvenient. I felt there was zero interest in me as a person, in how I felt or what I wanted, only in how I behaved for them. I exaggerated to get more attention, especially about other people being mean to me, because I was trying to force them to be protective of me. It backfired and they assumed that I was always lying.

Any kid with attention seeking behaviour NEEDS that attention. So maybe find out why she feels she needs to do this? And read between the lines. She probably doesn't understand herself. I'm in my 40s and I worked this out as an adult.

So you've been separated for 7 years but have a 6 year old with your now husband? How does that work? Were you having an affair? Did you move ridiculously fast into the relationship with your husband?

I think there's been a massive screw up on the part of you and your DH. He shouldn't be telling her what to do, clashing, arguing or bickering with her... she is not his child and that is absolutely not his place and you shouldn't have allowed that to happen.

I think you're both reaping what you've sown here and you're going to find out it's very difficult to try and claw this relationship with your daughter back, than just put her first to begin with.

I hope this girl is still with her father and no longer subjected to what sounds like a very unhappy homelife with her step father and mother