He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

You just said "abusive" before. I'm sorry you went through physical abuse.

What i was talking about was emotional abuse.

I was pointing out that a lot of women say that their ex's are emotionally abusive. When they are emotionally abusive themselves aswell.

Ive seen Women who say that their ex's are emotionally abusive, when I have seen them scream and shout at their children. I've seen them call their children fat and ugly and useless etc.

They always seem to be able to see that their ex eas emotionally abusive, but they can never seem to see it in themselves, when they are emotionally abusive.

For example I was recently on an an adult education course. One of the women was constantly saying that her ex was emotionally abusive. Then I saw her with her teen daughter one day. She was screaming at her and making her really upset.

I never trust anyone (male or female) when they say that their ex was emotionally abusive. There are two sides to every story, and after a break up they both usually try to paint the other one in a bad light

I understand why OP’s initial reaction was to send the police for a welfare check but going in hard will have probably freaked out dd and may entrench her view that living with dad is better for longer

The OP wasn't calling the Police for a welfare check. She could see her daughter and talk to her. She was in no immediate danger. The OP called the Police to get her own way and force her daughter to return to a situation she is clearly very distressed about. That's not good. The Police didn't think anything was wrong and removed the OP.

Whatever else happens, you need to tell her dad to get her to school today and the rest of this week, even if it means a long drive for him.

It's also statistically quite dangerous for a teenage girl to live with a male that is not related to her in the house

There are so so so many incidences of stepfathers abusing teenage girls.

#notallstepfathers , but that's a risk you have to take.

My mother wasn't great in other areas, but she was good with one thing.

She told me that after she broke up with my dad, she would never have another man living in our house, until i was grown up, and she didn't.

She didn't think it was safe.

My aunty was the same. She got divorced. She had a teen daughter. She met a new man. They were in a relationship for a long time, but she didn't move him into her house, until her teenage daughter had already left home.

Let the dust settle and emotions calm. Your ex could have dealt with this better, he should have at least discussed what was happening but he's within his rights to allow her to stay. Arrange to speak with him somewhere neutral and discuss how this will work and what his concerns were, list all the new responsibilities re school, sen, appointments etc. He needs to understand reality of what it's like to actually be a parent and then discuss visitation and when she will come home to stay. When you do speak with her be so supportive and let her know you're there for her and respect her decision for space and she can home anytime. There's a good chance she will be home soon, the grass isn't awkward greener but the more combative you are the longer and harder it will be

This is what I'm concerned about. So easy to not see it or overlook what's really going on.

Such a sudden reaction from the DD would suggest something has happened. Sounds like she's tried to talk but not been heard.

She may have SEN and may be prone to exaggeration but she's clearly trying to communicate deep unhappiness.

Two women have given you examples of their ex partners physically abusing them but you keep harping on about women. You clearly have an agenda.

As sad as it is,

What does two women talking about physical abuse have anything to do with this thread or with what the OP is saying?

We were talking about emotional abuse.

And as I pointed out to that poster again, while it is very sad that she went through physical abuse, and I am sad to hear about it,

it is not relevant to what i was saying, as i was talking about emotional abuse.

I wrote specifically that i was talking about emotional abuse in my post

OP would have written in her opening post, if her ex had been physically abusive. She didn't say anything about that.

You’ve had a man living in her home that she doesn’t get on with for a long time. The court will take her wishes into consideration. She wants to live with her dad, you need to go to court for access not for residence.

No, the OP is not talking about emotional abuse. YOU have gone off on a tangent for reasons of your own, to beat women with another stick.

You called the police 😮

Give her some more time with her dad and have a calm conversation in a few days. Maybe she's really worried about something and it to scared to say.

No, you accused me of baselessly calling my ex abusive and that I should look at my own flaws. You didn't even ask whether he was physically abusive, just assumed I was making it up because 'poor man treated awfully by his ex'. I'm pretty sure he would have another side of the story but it still makes him abusive and a shitty parent.

I didn't say that did I.

I won't let you twist my words.

I said that I WAS talking about emotional abuse.

And I said that the OP never mentioned "physical abuse" in her post.

Both things are true. Go back and read.

It's a difficult situation OP and really upsetting for you, but it sounds as if this wish to live with her dad is coming from your daughter not just from your ex, so it needs taking seriously. The atmosphere in your home sounds very intense, what with rows with her stepdad and you finding her such hard work. Perhaps a break would be a good thing if only for a while. The fact that you called the police shows how wound-up and desperate you must be feeling about the family situation. Why not take a few days to unwind, keep in touch with DD by text or whatever, talk to your partner about how the rows might be reduced or avoided if and when she comes back to live with you.

You need to see this choice in the context of the fact that she is only 13 and it is not permanent. Let it play out and be patient - if she is just overreacting to boundaries at home over time she will realise there are a bunch of things she misses from home like a stable and loving family life. If you are still in phone contact with her make it clear that you are there for her as and when she wants you to be, let her feel in control of the set-up, and try and renormalise your relationship so she doesn't feel trapped by her decision because she thinks she's burnt bridges with you and the rest of the family. Go down the mediation route but go into it focused on finding out if there are any genuine issues that need addressing at home (there may not be but i don't think you can completely rule it out without giving her the space to explain), don't beat yourself up personally too much, don't focus on how it makes you feel but how she must be feeling, etc. You sound like a good mum with a teenage daughter trying to test the family dynamics - that doesn't mean you've lost your daughter at all.

I talked to many different posters on here.

Its not all about you @icedlatteofdreams.

You never mentioned that he was physically abusive in your first post.

As you added that part later on, I then confirmed to you that I was talking about "emotional abuse" only.

Again, it's not all about you. And as you are rude, nasty and aggressive, I won't engage with you again

Yeah why would you call the police?

That will just aggravate things.

OP had seen her daughter, so there was no need to do a wellness check even.

It might be good just to let her stay there for a while.

Let it calm down.

Then talk about it altogether again calmly at a later date.

Sounds like a difficult situation.

Perhaps, when she's been at home, more of the parenting needs to be done by you, and the Step Dad should take more of a supportive back seat approach.
It could be blessing, she obviously wants more time with her Dad, and maybe this is his opportunity to step up and make up for all the times he wasn't there. On the flip side, maybe if he can't live up to those expectations it's something she needs to see for herself to realise perhaps things are good at home, I'm sure she will come to miss her brother also.
Just take a deep breath and don't stress, this is just a part of her growing up and finding her feet. The more settled things are the more inclined she will be to come back to what she knows.
Hope it all blows over soon for you x

I said that I WAS talking about emotional abuse.

No, you said ‘WE were talking about emotional abuse’. But no one else was. So you were basically trying to shut up two women telling you about their terrible abuse from their ex partners.

Why are you allowed to talk about what you want but those two women can’t?

You’re fine, Icedlatte, I see through that poster as well.

I’m sorry for what you went through

I think you're panicking where there's no need to panic.

Take a few deep breaths and have a cup of tea.

First things first, her father seems like a caring father. She's not in any danger. So you can breathe a bit. This isn't an emergency situation. I know it's easier said than done but you need to try and tell your brain and your body that no one is under threat here. A few days to calm down at her dads isn't going to do anyone any harm.

What might come of this situation? There are a few possibilities:

1. It works out terribly, he realises it's much harder work than he thought it would be, she realises the grass isn't greener, she comes back home: problem solved.
2. Actually she ends up getting on better at her dad's and doesn't want to come back home.

Now, let's explore that possibility. It's not the end of the world. It's not. When I was at school there were a few kids who lived with their dads by choice. It's fine. You can still see her every week, she won't be "gone", you'll still always be her mum, you'll still be involved in her life. You say she's a different child when she's with her dad - maybe that's because the stress of day-to-day parenting doesn't get in the way of their relationship (in which case, once she's living there full time she might have a change of heart). Alternatively, some children just naturally have a personality that meshes better with one parent than the other. That's normal, it's to be expected, all families have that and it's NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. If she does end up getting on better at her dad's house, then maybe it'll be your turn to have the lovely, carefree, fun weekends where stresses and chores and school don't get in the way of your relationship.

Whatever happens, going in all guns blazing and trying to force her to do anything is only going to be counterproductive.

Also, I'm not a lawyer, but from the experience I have seen and heard about, I think the courts are very unlikely to force a 13 year old to live somewhere she doesn't want to when she's got a competent parent willing to have her.

Whatever happens, you need to keep repeating to yourself: "this is not the end of the world".

My mother totally ignored the emotional and physical abuse my stepfather inflicted upon me just as you are and I ended up extremely disturbed. Thank God her father has stepped up to protect her. I'm pretty sure you don't see half of what is going on.

I think I’d pack up her belongings and take them round with a letter. Explain you understand this is her decision but would like a relationship and suggest a date for mother, daughter day somewhere in the next couple of weeks. She’ll realise this is reality and that you’re not angry and it might promp her to give you a call.

In the meantime push ahead with mediation and hopefully you’ll get some answers. Ultimately thought she has the option to move to Dads and if that’s her choice then you need to be careful to maintain a relationship. You won’t be able to do that if you’re angry and upset.