He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

As somebody who grew up in stepfamilies, my advice is to listen to your daughter. She wouldn't have done this if she weren't uphappy. Maybe it is immaturity but maybe it's not. The reality is that if she is genuinely unhappy in your home, that would be inconvenient for you. That's why you will have to work extra hard to listen to her and not put her under any pressure to 'censor' what she says for your sake.

In my case, I was very, very unhappy living with a stepdad. Any outsider would have said our stepfamily was working really well and was fully 'integrated'. But it really, really wasn't.

How many posts on Mumsnet are about difficulties with in laws? Step relations are people who you are related to through marriage - but with zero choice in the matter (if you're the kid). The power dynamics are a thousand times more complicated than traditional in law relationships.

I often smile when I read the term 'blended' family. Blenders cut healthy whole fruits up with tiny knives until they are unrecognisable sludge. Honestly, I think it's an accurate term for what stepfamilies are often like.

I'm not suggesting that you leave your husband to make life easier for your daughter. I am suggesting that you need to acknowledge to her that she's been finding stepfamily life difficult and might need some space and support. I think any acknowledgement you can make would mean a lot to her.

How else should OP refer to her daughter?
Saying "my son" doesn't mean you regard them as a possession, but that you are their parent.

I agree with the rest of your post.

Twice you have pretended to be baffled by this scenario in half an hour lol keep posting it though so other posters can read it and decide to pile on to the OP for being separated for 7 years but has a 6 year old with a new partner. You sound like a right shit stirrer tbh lol asking the OP to come back and explain lol have you got your hands on your hips while you demand that she doesn't that.

“Give her back.”

This implies she’s a possession that she’s lent out. She isn’t. She’s a vulnerable child with her own thoughts and feelings.

Actually @Stravaig has said it better than I. making them worst for sympathy
So there are issues you're brushing over.

"She does have a habit of making things up or making them worst for sympathy."

OP I find your vocabulary interesting "my daughter" "she's hard work but she's my hard work" "I have failed" "get back to status quo"

This is not about what you want or what you think. Her Dad's may not be the best place for her and he may not know what he is letting himself in for but its about her views and wishes, right or wrong, and not yours

@Ihopeithinkiknow the thing is, that situation will be a huge unsettling event for the daughter. So it's no wonder she argues with her stepdad

I’d make it very clear to dd she’s welcome home anytime, both houses are her home, she doesn’t need to choose between you or dad and to see how dads goes, and that you’re there for her and is there anything you can do to help her?
Don’t cause a conflict or try to make her pick sides, give her the choice of freedom.

Why has this came as a surprise?

I've separated from my ex husband for less than a year but I am mentally preparing myself for when either of my children ask to go and live with him. I think it's par for the course for divorced parents. My ex was a crap husband and a total Disney dad so of course his home will look more attractive to angry teens but you know what, my children are people in their own right. I don't own them, I won't try and control them in this decision but I will make sure they know I love them and that they will always have a home with me.

I also don't agree with moving strange men into the household. I'm not saying single mothers have to remain celibate but for god's sake, your children come first. The biggest risk to children is mum's new boyfriend and as such I've assured mine that it'll only ever be us three at home.

This may be harsh but this is you reaping what you sow. If you want your daughter to come back, something will have to change, and you making it all about you by crying on the doorstep is just manipulative.

He IS the problem. And the longer you are in denial about this, the more your daughter will be resistant to staying with you.

My daughter was 4 when I met my partner. She was 16, 12 years later when he moved in after we had a baby together. Daughter and partner had had great relationship all those years. Didn't stop her deciding she didn't want to live with a stepdad figure and moving out to her Dad within a year of our baby being born. It broke my heart but I understood. There's absolutely NO WAY you can say your husband isn't the problem.

Hmm I wonder how long ex h will actually want this arrangement ? Day to day parenting is a lot harder than 2 nights a month. I suspect he will soon be rethinking his arrangement. I'd stop knee jerking and try to giver her some space . Like someone else said leave it a week , perhaps text her and let her know she's welcome home whenever - just say the word you will be there. X

I am not going to join the pile on Op but I would say that your thread title is very misleading.
Firstly you can't "give back" a 13 year old and secondly your ex hasn't stopped her from coming back she has chosen not to.
Whether her reasons are valid is another matter but at 13 she is deemed competent to make that decision unless there is a serious risk of harm

Yes and we should also respect the daughters rights.

Im sorry, but i see so many mums on mumsnet and in real life, thinking about what they want, and NOT about what their chidren want.

Your children are not objects that you own.

She is her own person.

At her age, she has the right under law, to live where she wants.

I’m not being funny but how does an adult argue with a 13 yo child? You tell them what to do, you tell them the consequences of not doing it then you follow through, surely. Shouting just escalates a situation, I will listen to you when you talk to me calmly is what happens if my dc shout at me then grey rock. A calm chat about mutual respect once they’ve calmed down. They are just wasting their own time really. I wonder if a calm parenting course would help you/ your dh communicate better with your child.

I would let the dust settle and arrange to go out for the day, do something nice, just you and her, and listen to what she has to say ... don't argue or comment, just listen.

You think that's ok?

A grown man arguing with a 13 year-old on a daily basis?

She's really stuck between a rock and a hard place and you're not listening

I mean, I know it's a really hard thing to go through but if your dd wants to live with her dad at 13 years old I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. If he's a useless dad as you say then it might not end up being a permanent arrangement. I would seriously look at your husbands behaviour towards her though, it sounds as if things are going on that you have little idea about.

OP this thread is odd. Yes your daughter may have good reasons to want to get away from your husband, and you need to face that fact.

But a child with SEN changing schools a month into the school year, and depending on a disorganised part-time dad to sort it, is if course desperately worrying. And of course you wonder what exH is saying to her, and of course it just hurts.

You have my sympathy, but you will have to be pragmatic and calm and self-reflective about it all. All the best.

Another cock before kids scenario.

My ex used to tear me around by the hair, choke me to near unconsciousness, punch and kick me when I was on the ground. And that abuse was nothing compared to the years and years of mental abuse that brought me to a state where I tolerated a level of physical abuse that regularly brought me close to death because he was usually (but not always) shitfaced when he attacked me and could easily have squeezed my throat just a tiny bit harder.

But yeah, sometimes I shouted at him and tried to stop him spending all our money on alcohol. It's the same.

She does have a habit of making things up or making them worst for sympathy

My DD is autistic and is very similar. And unfortunately, once she has said somthing she will stick to it, until she feels comfortable telling the truth or until it no longer benefits her to keep up the exaggerations or lies

If she comes home to you I bet she will then have plenty of complaints about her dad and say she doesnt want to go back there.

My experience with some ( not all ) autistic people is that they always have to have someone they focus their negative feelings on.

Anything went wrong in DD's life, friendships souring, being told off at school, lashing out ect. Was all blamed on one person making her feel a certain way. Actually it was her own internal negative feelings but as she cant see that she blames other people on her feeling that way.

I was thinking the same thing.

Are you sure you know everything that's been going on in your house OP? does your daughter spend any time alone with your husband.

I actually think your ex is the good guy here. He's listened to her and is following her lead at the moment. I can understand why she'd want to stay somewhere where she is heard and believed.

Bringing the Police to his door was an awful bullying thing to do. You need to really own your actions in this and reflect how you really got to this point.

I think your title holds a clue to the problem. Your child is as much her father's daughter as yours. And she is not an object to be handed over.

You can have sex and relationships without moving a partner in.

Too many parents are too quick to move in stepparents and step/half siblings without consideration for the children. Adult wants override what’s best for the kids which is calm and stability after a divorce. This obviously applies to both men and women. Do many stories on here where the OP writes that their child doesn’t get along with their spouse yet the child has been living like that for years. I think that many people also assume the divorce is easier for older kids when my anecdotal experience is the opposite.

I understand why OP’s initial reaction was to send the police for a welfare check but going in hard will have probably freaked out dd and may entrench her view that living with dad is better for longer.