He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

I'd leave it a couple days for things to calm down then ask to see her at a cafe or something else local to her dad so you can talk, don't mention coming home, zero pressure, you just want to see how she is and listen to anything she wants to tell you. You wrote what you wrote in your OP about her step dad, that's why you're getting the answers you are. You didn't say DD wants to stay up to all hours and not attend school, so the other posts look like back peddling. You also wrote just D, not DD in your title which feels off.

In terms of dealing with this it doesn't actually matter right now what her reasons are because she is old enough to have a say in this decision and for court to listen to her. If she said my step dad upsets me and it's more peaceful and I can relax and concentrate at my dad's I don't think she has to give any deeper reason to it than that to be listened too. Personally I wouldn't be organising anything, if dad wants to be the resident parent then he actually needs to be the resident parent and sort school himself and take time off work when she's sick and manage the shopping and cooking and buying clothes for himself. You need to talk to her with no expectations or pressure and find out what the problem Is and then go from their.

OP, clearly there is a serious issue between your DD and your DH - if it’s as breezy as you seem to claim it is, she wouldn’t be in tears at her Dad’s refusing to go back to your house. The one essential job of being a parent is to listen to our kids - to really hear them and understand them. I can only go by what you’ve written here, but despite stating that she has a “turbulent“ relationship with her step-dad, you then appear to be incredibly dismissive of what impact this could have on her.

The best advice given here is to give it some space and time. Calling the police wasn’t a great move and will have escalated an already heightened situation. Breathe. It’s very unlikely that you’ve lost her forever, but you absolutely must listen to her concerns and you absolutely mustn’t dismiss them out of hand.

Some mediation places where I live have a family counsellor who works directly with the child/ren to help express their needs and feelings to the parent. Something like this might be a good idea. Court and forcing absolutely won't be, she'll potentially be a year older and settled in the new location by the time you got to final hearing. If her dad is fairly useless give him some time it'll come crashing down and she'll be back. Police and court are just going to escalate the situation and the opposition may make her more determined to stay. You need to talk and listen here, not be running straight to lawyers and court, which at this age is highly unlikely to get her back living with you.

There’s so much projecting on this thread!

None of us really know why the relationship is turbulent.

OP- you need to get to the bottom of this. If you look at it honestly, is your DH being unfair on her? Why is their relationship so turbulent? Should he maybe take a step back from any form of discipline and leave it to you too?

does your daughter get enough 1-1 time with you? Maybe that needs to be improved.

in the meantime, keep showing your daughter that you love her, be supportive. I’m guessing your ex will soon change his mind about this when reality hits. You need to stay consistent for her.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I've not used mums net for over 10 years and so forgot all the short hand phrases so forgot about DD and all the others there are
She is my girl.

Thanks for your advice.

Take some time to calm down. Let her stay with her dad for a while and see how they get on. If you can be amicable with her and him over this it will make things much easier for her.

She shouldn't be in tears on the doorstep having to back up her dad against her angry mum. Also, her step dad should not be 'arguing' with her. You discipline ad he backs you up but he should not take the lead as he's not her dad.

I agree with movinonok the vipers are out here. Pay them no mind.

She wants to stay up night at night watching TV, not do her homework, teen behavior and is upset. Step dad and you set some rules that she tells daddy is unfair. She doesn't wanna go home. Let dad handle it. See if he doesn't set some rules - after he lives with a bratty teen for a while.
Pack up some of her clothing and drop it off tomorrow.

Thank you @OhcantthInkofaname x

@WallaceinAnderland I wasn't angry on door step was crying and upset and just wanted to know the why - she just kept saying because she doesn't want to. Need more context than that.
She does have a habit of making things up or making them worst for sympathy.

Where there is smoke there is fire OP. This is not about you Ex being mean.

OP everyone would have told you I got on with my stepdad. I didn’t. He was a dick when my mum wasn’t around and I lived in my bedroom because I couldn’t bear him.

No - she's living with a stranger in the house and it's horrible for her.

My mother got a new boyfriend when I was six, he was living with us from age 10 and he was still 'a stranger' when I left at 18. I'm NC with them.

From your perspective he's your partner - but he's nothing to her and it's very unsettling to live with someone who isn't your actual parent

@NiftyKoala never said exH was being mean.
He's just going off what DD has told him, which I don't know right now! So I've no way to explain my side, the adult side and not that of a child.
SD once told her mum I treat her differently as I wouldn't let her have a chocolate bar. She went mad at me. Reality, SD had just eaten pack of sweets so I said no as tea was impending. I was parenting not being unfair but eyes of a child are often different
I would sit and listen and even facilitate her moving to dads if done the right away but seems they won't.

That comes across, the title just might skew things a bit. I can hear your pain and you just want to fix this and make sure your DD is OK, and you want it fixed right now so it all stops hurting, but you need to play the long game here, to get her to where she needs to be and that might take a while. My DD has SEN and she absolutely can't cope even with slightly raised voices, that's just her of course, but sometimes SEN makes everyday ordinary things much harder and more painful for our kids. I actually had a similar relationship with my dad, we'd both yell, slam doors, dramatic words, but that was OK for me, I always felt loved and secure, but it really wouldn't be something any of my DC would be able to cope with. DD actually yells back at her dad, my XH, so seems to give as good as she gets at times, but she's actually ended up traumatised from it.

this is good advice

But don't you see that she shouldn't be witnessing a scene like that at her age? Her parents, you and your ex, need to have a calm discussion not in her presence or, if you must be crying and upset, don't do it in front of her and certainly don't badger her for answers when she is upset and confused herself.

This will have been quite traumatic for her, can you see that?

She's 13. She's said she wants to stay with her dad. I think saying he's keeping her from you is unfair. He's supporting her decision. He would be a shit dad if he forced her to go home when she is asking to stay with him. If she said she didn't want to visit him would you force her? Unless her SEN is such that He doesn't have capacity to make these decisions then I think you're better to respect what she's saying even if you find it hurtful. Arange contact moving forward. Also, if he's the resident parent let him take on what that role involves.

The last sentence troubles me. Like what? Has she been saying things to you that you haven't believed?

Poor girl. NewtonsCradles advice sounds about right.

Court will side with your dd. If she says she wants zero contact with you then legally she’ll be allowed to do that.

If you really think that it’s a knee jerk reaction then the quickest way to get her back would be to let her and ex realise what it’s like to live with each other full time. The reality may have them begging you to have her back.

The previous posters aren’t unreasonable to bring up that you’ve prioritised dick over your daughter. It’s shocking that you can admit that and pretend that it’s no big deal.

Op, look at things from DD's perspective: you have been divorced for 7 years, but you have a 6 year old son with your current husband so it sounds like there wasn't much of a gap between the separation/divorce and a new relationship and new half sibling? She's 13, and age where emotions and hormones can be a rollercoaster, and she has SEN (neurodivergent?) so her processing of big feelings and emotions may be a struggle that you just haven't been aware of? You also say she exaggerates/makes things up? Is there a danger that you've unintentionally dismissed her experiences because you 'know best'?. Teen years are turbulent. Your DD is clearly unhappy and your answers here seem to be showing that you have possibly missed/ignored clues as to why.

Teens are often irrational and emotionally volatile - and their reactions are often on a hair trigger.

I'd suggest messaging, saying you're sad she didn't want to come home, but when she's ready, you'd like to hear why she's so unhappy. Then actually listen. Don't dismiss, deflect or defend, even if you feel attacked.

The key here is healthy communication. I'd get in contact with school and explain the situation so pastoral care can get involved, and message your ex and suggest you talk (just you too), if possible, to discuss options.

I understand your distress, but going straight for the jugular won't win your daughter back. Whatever is going on, she feels unheard, angry and out to punish you. So working towards breaking down the barriers to communication and getting to the root cause is your priority.

Sorry - just you two

This is such a good post.

Her father has equal parental rights and your dd is old enough to decide where she wants to live. Obviously the situation at your house with your dh is upsetting enough that she wants out, and she has the right to live with her father.

And no, this is not the same as a child who doesn't want to go to school. Going to school is a good thing, as is moving out of a household where mum's new husband "clashes, argues and bickers" with her when he is supposed to be the mature adult in the relationship.

OP, the reality of being divorced is that the children can, and often do, choose where to live.
Nobody knows what the dynamic is with her SD, but if the situation was reversed and she didn’t want to go to her dad’s you would get nothing but support.
My own dc stopped going to their dad’s because of his partner, and he flatly refused to acknowledge that there was an issue.
It may be that she’s just being petulant and because her parents are separated she can pick and choose, but you need to be honest with yourself whether that’s the case or whether she has a point.
Agree leave it for a few days but I would make it very clear that she needs to go to school and that that is non negotiable.

Why is your husband, arguing and bickering with a 13 year old who has SEN

The issue is your husband!!!!!