He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

I think posters are being unfair.
It may be that the step dad is an issue, but let’s be honest, a lot of teens bicker with their actual parents at that age, and we acknowledge that it is a teenager thing.

They argue, fix it and move on. Mostly the next day…

Can you not see the power imbalance in this? The way you speak it seems as though it’s 2 siblings falling out when in reality it’s a 13 year old girl with SEN and a grown man, who is unrelated to her. Your dd is totally powerless against him despite any bravado. And her dad has rightly had enough of the dynamic and is now protecting her. Maybe he hasn’t been the world’s best dad. But he’s stepping in now and rightly so by the sound of it.

It takes two people to argue OP. How have you addressed your husband's behaviour with him?

Parenting a teenager full-time

I did it permanently as a solo parent. From before 1 year basically.
No way I was moving any man in to upset the apple cart. Turned out for the best too. Of course I occasionally met a lovely man to have a twirl with.

Had work, aging parents to take care of too. School, etc. Never mind the stress of keeping the house organised etc.

Adult son is lovely and I'm old and exhausted lol. Been worth it though.

There's a massive difference between bickering with your actual parent and bickering with a step parent. The relationship dynamic is totally different.

Just leave her for now, op. I know it hurts but you'll make it worse if you make too much of it. Calling the police was rather over the top.

This will work itself out but not overnight.

Make sure she has her clothes and belongings while at her dad's.

Please don't fret too much, get on with your life as best you can. You have a six year old at home who doesn't want his mum stressed.

This. No parent or parental figure should be arguing or bickering with children, including teens. It's not an acceptable, effective or healthy way to communicate with or discipline a child. It's childish. At the parent/parental figure, you need to be the better person. Arguing and bickering creates a horrible toxic atmosphere. No wonder she went to her dad's if that's the case.

Indeed. I call BS on forgetting “DD” abbreviation too since she managed to use “D”. I think OP you need a long hard look at your relationship with your daughter. If we’re picking up on it so is she.

Sorry to hear about your situation. You should have given these details in the OP because now most posters will be criticising you and your current partner rather than giving you an advise.
Yes, children can be wrong but on mumsnet, they never are. Maybe delete this post and write again. Sorry, I don’t have any legal advice on this matter but maybe you need a family therapist who has experience of working with sen children.

Sorry the quoted post is gone. I meant to quote your post where you mentioned your dh and dd argue about matters like dd not wanting to go to school, eating junk food etc.

That's a horrible view about adult relationships. Not everyone partners solely for sex.

Tbh don't know why are posters giving you hars time.
A lot of teenagers have turbulent relationships with parents.
Difference is, if your parents live together you cannot run to other one.

Let your DD amd ex experience fun of living together full time. She will come running.

He must get her to her school or you will both be fined

Don't agree to a school move yet wait for the situation to be resolved

How do you know the real situation so well to give this confident statement like some other posters? Do you know Op's dd personally? You think it is ok for a father to never attend parent child meeting or see the child 2 times a month and act like a supportive father because dd does not like being told she has to go to school, or not have junk food all times and she argues back because all this is said by OP in her posts but you know it is OP and her husband the problem. Has no parent had a difficult child, who finds 'once in 15 days parent' their best friend and full time parent their enemy?

your DD doesn’t want to come home

and by the sounds of it, nor would i in her shoes

(my husband) they clash, argue, bicker

he is only there because YOU fancied him and fell in love with him

Your DD had bugger all say in this man moving in to HER home

Yes, that needs addressing.
By YOU, her parent. Not your new DH

I think you should step back for a minute. The more you push now, the more entrenched her position will be. Let your ex gond out how difficult it is and your DD test life wasn't so bad with you. Then you can move forward. Play the long game.

Does living with a partner is about dick and vagina? Is that how you see your partner? A walking, talking dick? Shame on posters like you if this is what your view of a spouse is.

It sounds as if your DH does more parenting than your ex. It's quite possible that DD and your ex will clash and argue over things if he has to actually parent her for any length of time. Do you think your EH will tire of having her there quite quickly? Do you think DD has been exaggerating the issues at home?

Could you leave DD with ex for a week (speak to her every day, but only about light stuff) then perhaps pick her up from school on Friday and take her somewhere where you can have a good chat?

She's there 2 weekends a month? That's what you said in your original post and then you've corrected it twice to only 2 days a month?

Basically you just leave her there and send her a message every day or two saying you love her and hope she's ok.

You send your ex the ehcp from school/all notes so she can move schools successfully.

You ask for mediation (I can see you've done that)

There is no point in court, she's old enough to choose. Instead I suggest you offer a swap, she lives with him 50/50 or you have the contact he currently has - 2 weekends a month

The more you step back, the more you allow her to come towards you

It is a real issue for her.

OP this sounds like an awful situation for you and a real shock

Bear in mind, if you’re thinking about a court route, that virtually no judge is going to tell a 14yo which parent to live with. Unless there are very unusual circumstances a 14yo will decide for themselves and frankly once they’re that age it is very hard to enforce a solution a teenager doesn’t like.

So perhaps the best thing is to let things calm down - reassure your dd that you love her and will always be there for her and perhaps meet up for a coffee so that you can listen. I expect that she really needs you to hear how she feels. She will make up her own mind, but if you can show her that you are listening to her and your door is open at least you’re not burning any bridges.

My dd did this, without any new husband on my part, she was testing boundaries and thought she'd have a better time at her dads. Lasted 36 hours begged to come home and never did it again.

I've not read all the messages but I did something similar at that age and actually moved back from Spain to live with dad as I thought that was best.....I regretted it after about 2 weeks but had to stay until mum came home a couple of months later (I was seeing her regularly in between). Leave her to cool down and she'll come back.

Mediation wise, due to her age they probably will speak to her and see what she wants. If mediation doesn't work and it goes to court CAFCASS will get involved and they will 100% talk to her due to her age. I hope you're okay xx

Why have you got two identical threads going? You can't start another thread just because you don't like the answers on this one.