He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

Divorce is hard on kids. Blended family life is hard on everyone, but hardest on the kids, and usually hardest on the kids from the previous relationship(s). This is a reality people don't often like to hear, because of course adults have needs too, and it is also unrealistic to expect adults to sacrifice all their own needs because their relationship broke down, and especially if that was not their choice or their fault. But it's a reality nonetheless and people often do not go into blending families with their eyes fully open.

People often have an idea of how it's going to be that doesn't match reality, IME (ex ed psych/ child and adolescent psychologist here, and worked with many kids and families from these situations over the years). The teen years in particular are challenging and often when clashes come to a head. People often would come to therapy locating the issues in their child, but I've yet to see a blended family crisis that was entirely caused by the child and was nothing to do with the adults involved.

Chances are there's a mix here of blended family related issues and typical teenage stuff, as well as SEN related challenges, that would be an issue without a blended family in the mix, but are likely being exacerbated by those dynamics.

Yes, teens CAN be dramatic at times - but it also sounds like there is some truth in her struggles here as well OP. I'm wondering what you have done to try to address the issues between DD and stepdad? It sounds as though you are blaming her mostly, but there is a grain of truth in what people are saying about the adult in the relationship needing to be the adult and step back rather than engage in bickering and arguing.

Of course that doesn't mean there shouldn't be rules and kids should get to behave how they want. But it sounds like this is about more than DD not liking house rules - it sounds like she needs a break from a stressful situation, and maybe at this point it doesn't matter who is "at fault" or not. Maybe you all could benefit from that break and DD staying with her dad for a bit might provide an opportunity for a reset. Hopefully the realities of full time parenting will kick in for him at some stage and he'll realise that there's a big difference between stepping in as the "rescuer" and doing the job full time, and you'll be able to have some sensible conversations about how to move forward.

Husband is fine. So if kid says they won't want to go to school we let them? Or they want to watch TV to 1am we let them? Or eat McDonald's all day?

No, but it is the parent should be dealing with that.

You. Not the man you chose to marry who has no relation to your child. He is not her parent. He should not be arguing with your daughter

No wonder there is tension at home if you are asking/letting him be the disciplinarian.

People on this site can be so nasty and just ridiculous honestly. I remember being a teenager and arguing with both my parents all the time, but especially my mum. If there had been an option I’d probably have moved in with my dad because I saw him as ‘fairer’ (he wasn’t, he just let me get away with things my mum wouldn’t have.) Op, I wonder if your daughter will change her mind after a week or so, if she gets homesick and isn’t used to staying with her dad for that long. I’m sorry this has happened and I’m sorry your posts has attracted some idiots who love to kick people when they’re down.

I think you’re getting a hard time at the top of the thread OP.
of course you’re upset and worried and it’s not been done in the right way.
what is his plan for school?

People are being very harsh here. OP, we are a "blended" family and have been on the receiving end of lies from my DSD's mum. Girls of 13 with SEN are going to be having a turbulent time and will be open to suggestions from others about how "bad" the other parent is. Also, at 13, she really has no idea what is best for her.
I am taking this at face value OP and I really feel for you in this situation. I would get on track with the mediation as you are doing but also speak to a solicitor for free half hour advice as well as going to citizens advice.
Also speak with current husband but beforehand have a real think about whether he is supporting her and her needs - do you perhaps also need some relationship therapy?
As you have said, she will be missing school so you will need to speak to them and explain the situation. You haven't stated what her SEN needs are and if you feel dad isn't on board with these and that they will not be met with dad and she will be vulnerable/ not safe, perhaps speak with social services.
Best of luck and hope your DD is OK

Poss it’s not up to your DH to discipline your child, in the same way it’s not your place to parent HIS child.

boundaries are being overstepped here.

It doesn’t sound like your husband is being cruel to her, but parenting her. I think generally the parenting should come from you. Things can escalate when children start to fall out with step parents, and before you know it, you’ve got a situation like this on your hands. Not saying he should just sit there quietly, but he needs to take a step back as its a difficult age.

No court will force a 13yr old to live somewhere they don’t want to. Its pointless paying a fortune to take this to court. Your best bet is letting things calm. Of course the grass appears greener right now, but they will both find out real life at dad’s isn't that much fun anymore. Tell her she needs to come home whilst arrangements are made, new school etc. When reality sets in she may change her mind, but i really do think you’re going down the wrong path trying to take this down a legal route. It’s horrible for you, but you do need to have a think about what she’s saying about her step dad. You need to really listen to her. Trust me, i’ve been in a similar boat years ago, and it didn’t end well,

You need to stop thinking about yourself and support your dd.

This isn't a choice she's made lightly and she doesn't deserve you making her feel guilty.

You need to message, tell her you love and support her and she has her room with you always but if she wants to stay with her dad you will support her

Then keep the contact open and see how it goes. If you retaliate or try to force her to return you will push her further away.

You say things have improved maybe that's because she had decided to leave and felt happy for it. She needs your support not judgement.

I've posted on your other thread but this sticks out to me.

You sound totally overbearing. It is not about what you want, it is about what is best for your DD.

Long term it might be that she comes back but as I said on the other thread totally get why she wants to be at her dad's.

In this case I'd stay calm, let the school and mediation work on this and take a step back.

You have a six year old who will be upset because their sister has vanished, another reason for staying calm.

Don't discuss your adult problems in front of six year old or you'll have another issue to deal with.

Think of it as an extended holiday for your daughter.

Also to add her step dad shouldn't be arguing /disciplining her. You need to parent he needs to take a step back.

I know it’s really hard @mrsgfk but you have to stay calm and play this really carefully or you risk damaging your relationship with her forever and losing her.

you need to show you are there for her and ready to listen but also give her a bit of space.

My daughter did this at about the same age
this is my advice
for now let it be. They’may both discover the ‘grass isn’t greener’
has she got a phone ?- Message everyday -ask how she is / How’s school. /does she need anything / suggest a shopping day / a coffee etc. be positive don’t slag her dad off or keep asking her to come back
basically keep the lines of communication open between you. Even if she doesn’t answer Keep messaging
if it goes wrong she will have a way of contacting you

get legal advice - as I recall they can choose which parent they want to live with at this age
she may be allowed to stay with her dad

mediation may be worth considering -your view of how your current husband acts may be very different to her view of him

separated for 7 years

you have a 6 year old with your next partner

🤔

My dd moved to her dads around this age for a period. She had become unbearable to live with. It hurt at the time but we all needed a break. She came back of her own anccord and realised all that I did for her, as her dad didn’t fill these gaps. I couldn’t have forced her to live where she didn’t want to at that age. It will just build resentment and be counterproductive. You Just have to be patient and always be there if and when she needs you. It’s very difficult to let go and not control everything, but you’re fighting could cause more damage she’ll dig her heels in more.
i’m afraid I don’t understand the court orders and calling the police, by trying not force her home you will not win her allegiance. I was fortunate that even through my anger and hurt I divorced my ex without the involvement of solicitors or any courts. My kids have always had the ability to come and go from both households and the amount of time spent in their different parent households has varied over time. Currently my dd at 18 visits her dads maybe 1-2 a fortnight, I actively encourage her to go more. But ultimately kids get to an age where they want to make their own decisions and not be controlled. Also I echo comments up thread, blended families are tricky, my dry and my husband have had some difficulties at times, they are in good place atm. I have never allowed him to parent my children, it’s not his place. Likewise I don’t parent his ds.
im sorry you are hurting, it I think you shouldn’t force this and let her make her choice, even if it’s the wrong one. Otherwise life is going to be a big battle ground and very unpleasant all round.

She's allowed to stay with her dad.

If she wants to, that's her choice.

So your DD has had a normal teen reaction to the grass is greener - show me a child from a split relationship who hasn’t thought this - you know her dad will struggle 24:7 and so will she. This is also normal for a parent not having patented full time.

She will find out dad has rules, isn’t fun all week and will have to go to a new school etc.

What do you do? Call the police!!! Send emails, sort a solicitor …. What drama!!

Leave her there for week and she’ll be back.

You said she had a knee jerk reaction? So did you. And you’re the adult here.

I’m a quiet and unassuming person but I would fight tooth and nail for my kids. So yes, I would become ‘overbearing’.

What a ridiculous comment, our kids do not always know what is best for them. And actually, it’s not just about the daughter, the OP is hurting and is reaching out for help. She must be worried sick and instead she attracts all these holier than thou comments from posters who act like they’d just roll over and say ‘Sure, whatever you want’ in the same situation.

My teen is 14 and she sometimes shouts out she hates me or she wants to live somewhere else when she doesn’t get her way. If she had a parent living elsewhere she might act on it. But I know she doesn’t mean it and she’s back to her usual loving self within hours.

I suspect OP that your daughter will start to miss you quite quickly when she sees that grass is not always greener on the other side - and your ex discovers that parenting a teen full time is not an easy job.

I think her stepdad is trying to parent responsibly and those posters implying tense situations with a teenager are the secret signs of abuse are being very unfair. Had your ex really had your child's best interests at heart you would have had a proper discussion, including all the micro details of school, commitments etc and setting up your own access. I think anyone would have reacted badly to the ambush and loss you felt, although I'm sure you regret the police incident as much as possible. My strong advice though is to reframe this as a new beginning. The child is now a young adolescent. Your ex sounds like he's an enabler rather than a carer, and is keen to stir your pot. Had he had genuine motives he would not have done it on the doorstep. Thats cruel. As I say, do not think of this as a fight. Continue to plan for and support as if she was there. This dance lesson, that trip to go shopping or help with homework etc. The fable of the man with overcoat may help. The Wind and the Sun bet who could get a man to take off his coat. The Wind blew and blew but he just tugged it tighter and tighter. The Sun rose and warmed him, so he took it off himself. Be the sun 🌞 not the storm and she will be back.

You don't sound like you're very nice to her!

Everything you say about her is negative.

IME teenagers of divorced parents do float between parents who live relatively close as a reaction to rows and difficulty with step parents. Just because she's gone now doesn't mean she's gone forever. It does mean she's realised she can play her parents off against each other so that's what you have to work with in future

Yes, I agree with this.

I really, really feel for you OP. Your ex has behaved terribly dealing with it in this way. If she expressed a desire to live with him, or he was worried about how unhappy she was with you and your new family, he should’ve discussed with you. It’s v disrespectful and makes it much more stressful for your DD, with upset and police on the doorstep. Big changes of this nature should be planned, especially if she has SEN.

But you do seem to be dismissing out of hand that your DD may feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Could it be that, because your ex spends less time with her, he finds it easier to treat her as a young woman, and perhaps partly because you have a younger DS, you haven’t yet made that shift and still treat her like a child? Happens to most of us.

While I understand you need to be moving swiftly through the legal process, at the end of the day your DD’s preference will be taken into account. So, the important thing is to listen to how she feels and take her seriously. Don’t come across as saying what’s best for her, even though you do know that as her mum.

I understand how desperately you want her to come back, but now she knows how upset you are, I’d leave her for a few days and view it as a holiday with her dad. Message her morning and evening to ask how she is, ask what she’s up to and tell her you love her. But don’t pressure her to come back or talk to you straight away. Let the dust settle. Show her you accept she needs space with her dad for a bit. It’s quite likely she’ll get homesick after a few days and she may choose to come back if you give her space.

If she still says after a week or so she’s happier with her dad and wants to make it permanent, then suggest you meet her for a walk and a chat. Just the two of you. Not your DH or DS. Ask why she feels this way and actively listen. If she still wants to stay at her dad’s, then start to talk practicalities with her. If she sees you starting to put her preferences first, that may be all she wanted and she may then want to come back. Reserve psychology.

At 13 Court will take her feelings in to account. I wanted to move to my dad's from a young age as did my brothers but mum wouldn't let me until I was 16 which I did and so did my brothers. I'd let her stay a couple weeks and see how she feels, she and he may change their minds but if they don't you need to let her do what is best for her unfortunately. You've had her most of the time for seven years and it sounds like it's not always been the best environment for her. I appreciate its difficult for you, but it's what your daughter wants that's important, sorry.

op please come back and explain how you can be separated / divorced from ex for 7 years

but have a 6 year old with new partner!!

they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager!

This doesn't happen in my house? Who would want to live like that?