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Original poster

He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

224 replies

mrsgfk · 29/09/2024 23:51

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

OP posts:
beartie · 30/09/2024 07:56

hillroad · 30/09/2024 07:54

op please come back and explain how you can be separated / divorced from ex for 7 years

but have a 6 year old with new partner!!

Started seeing someone new very quickly and fell pregnant straight away?

Snowdrops17 · 30/09/2024 08:00

You obviously don't have any understanding of how hard she finds it living with your DH you need to get to the bottom of that with her the why or what happened you aren't there with them 24/7 you don't know what's been said to her by your DH. And you pick her not him if it comes to it obviously

hillroad · 30/09/2024 08:02

beartie · 30/09/2024 07:56

Started seeing someone new very quickly and fell pregnant straight away?

Show quote history

which really is quite telling about the OP’s priorities

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diddl · 30/09/2024 08:04

Does your ex live alone?

She probably just wants some peace & quiet if so!

Edingril · 30/09/2024 08:07

I wonder what the ex-partners and child's view on all this is, maybe calm down and try and talk to her like a rational human being might help

notbelieved · 30/09/2024 08:10

She can't just run away to dads cos she thinks it's better there - bound to be as she only spends 2 nights there a month
This may be the problem, OP. She perhaps does need to spend a bit more time with dad.

Will she need to change schools? Because that's a parental responsibility issue and he can't just do it without your support. Technically. However, at 13, she is old enough to make her own decisions. You may have an uphill battle with the courts, I'm afraid.

maybe take a step back, breathe a bit and see how the next couple of days pan out?

sophiacting · 30/09/2024 08:10

Its a very difficult situation. Coming from an adult that had a damaging relationship with a step dad. I would say this. Support your daughter at all times. Ultimately its key to know that Adults need to learn emotional regulation and they should really try not to argue with children. its hard. But the thing is I left home because of it - the fact that my step dad was so different to my mum, her being really relaxed and him being strict - he always wasn't very nice and exploded in front of me. Its sounds so much like me situation - except not having my bio dad in the picture - I also have a half brother and that's really difficult because there is a different relationship. As a child I definitely felt like there was a preference to him, though I love him loads. I still think about it now as an adult. Therefore I suggest having heart to heart with your daughter, and let her speak and try to understand it from her point of view. Hope that helps.

Nannyoggapple · 30/09/2024 08:12

This resonated with me.

My parents were divorced.

When I was 13 I also wanted to go and stay with my Dad. He would have let me live with him. It would have been a bigger move for me than your daughter, as my dad lived in a different country to my mum.

I didn't even get as far as staying in his house.

I just wrote in my diary that I wanted to live with my dad. My mum read my diary (shows you what she was like) and went on and on and on at me about it.

She guilt tripped me into staying with her.

I wish I had gone and been strong enough to stand up for myself, and gone and lived with my dad.

He was a much much better parent than she was. My mum was abusive a lot of the time.

My dad had a nice stable house. I still regret not going. I can't get that time back now.

Your daughter is free to choose whatever parent she wants to be with

Tiswa · 30/09/2024 08:14

You seem to escalate very quickly - jumping to calling the police is going from 0-100 and catastrophisong

you go in hard and fast and it is going to get messy fast.

all you need to do is tell the school she won’t be in and why and that you are working on it and you give it time to calm down

Icedlatteofdreams · 30/09/2024 08:15

This is my fear for my own children in later years. The reason it scares me is because my children's dad is useless, has no idea how to parent and was abusive to me.

How I see it in my head is that they will soon realise it's not all sunshine and roses quite quickly. I do everything and pay for everything for them. I'd leave it a week, keep texting her but just to say you love her. Leave everything else to her dad.

I do think you need to try and understand her reasons and really listen to her when the dust settles. You may think it's just teen drama but that's obviously not how she perceived it.

Good luck OP.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/09/2024 08:22

Op, look at things from DD's perspective: you have been divorced for 7 years, but you have a 6 year old son with your current husband so it sounds like there wasn't much of a gap between the separation/divorce and a new relationship and new half sibling?
This and op says siblings.... so more than 1 sibling in this short time?
Also saddened by the OP stating how she 'makes things up' has she told you things about being unhappy re siblings/step dad and you've ignored @mrsgfk?

loudbatperson · 30/09/2024 08:22

You post title is very misleading. Your daughter is refusing to come home, completely different to your ex refusing to give her back.

You need to let the situation calm for a few days and wait for your daughter to be ready to discuss the situation with you.

She's expressed a want. Your reaction is to say she's wrong, accuse your exh of refusing to fix where back and calling the police. Why not just listen to what she is saying?

Her view point matters. She has a view over how and where she wants to live. You don't trump that automatically because you are an adult.

What is your husband doing to fix the issues at your house?

80smonster · 30/09/2024 08:25

Listen to your daughter. At 13 years old she is perfectly capable of verbalising her wants and needs. Would imagine it’s expensive to take someone to family court so ideally a solution/agreement could be brokered via mediation. Calling the police feels incredibly dramatic and heavy handed and I would have suggested a conversation about it when emotions were less heightened.You seem to be framing this as ‘good parent/bad parent’ which seems unhealthy and childish.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/09/2024 08:27

How old the step daughter you mentioned on the other thread? Does she live there full time?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/09/2024 08:27

You won't resolve this until you start properly listening to your DD rather than listening, minimising and dismissing what she says.

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 08:46

mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager!

Do you and dd clash, argue and bicker to the same extent as dd and husband?

And DH should not be bickering with her, he’s the adult, he needs to be calm.

Does he need to discipline her, as she’s 13, can he leave it to you?

Allthehorsesintheworld · 30/09/2024 08:46

Forcing her won’t work. She’ll be resentful, act up as teenagers do and your husband and she will argue more = everyone unhappy.
Leave her with her dad for now. He’ll soon learn that being a parent 24/7 is hard and she’ll miss you and her brother.
Say you’ll see her next Saturday or Sunday, whichever suits you best, then wait for her to ask to go back to dad.
This day was going to come at 13, ,15, 18 whenever so for now go along with it. I doubt it’ll last.

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Is it just women you think should be celibate for life after kids or does the same apply to men?

IWantKateGarrawaysHair · 30/09/2024 08:48

the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker

BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages

Choose a lane fgs OP, otherwise how can people advise?

TBH she is 13 and needs to know the reality of living with her dad. Dont do the "pick me" dance, leave her be to find things out for herself. She is safe. Her dad can now be her main carer. It will teach them both a few lessons I am sure

IWantKateGarrawaysHair · 30/09/2024 08:48

the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker

BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages

Choose a lane fgs OP, otherwise how can people advise?

TBH she is 13 and needs to know the reality of living with her dad. Dont do the "pick me" dance, leave her be to find things out for herself. She is safe. Her dad can now be her main carer. It will teach them both a few lessons I am sure

Nannyoggapple · 30/09/2024 08:49

Icedlatteofdreams · 30/09/2024 08:15

This is my fear for my own children in later years. The reason it scares me is because my children's dad is useless, has no idea how to parent and was abusive to me.

How I see it in my head is that they will soon realise it's not all sunshine and roses quite quickly. I do everything and pay for everything for them. I'd leave it a week, keep texting her but just to say you love her. Leave everything else to her dad.

I do think you need to try and understand her reasons and really listen to her when the dust settles. You may think it's just teen drama but that's obviously not how she perceived it.

Good luck OP.

Women are always talking about their ex's flaws.

Do you have any flaws?

I always am shocked at women calling their ex's abusive, and who are able to see every single flaws in their ex, yet they are unable to see any flaws at all in themselves.

i often see women calling their ex partners abusive and useless, and then you see a lot of the women shouting and screaming at their children, being emotionally abusive, and exposing their children ro bad male stepfathers themselves

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 08:51

Nannyoggapple · 30/09/2024 08:49

Women are always talking about their ex's flaws.

Do you have any flaws?

I always am shocked at women calling their ex's abusive, and who are able to see every single flaws in their ex, yet they are unable to see any flaws at all in themselves.

i often see women calling their ex partners abusive and useless, and then you see a lot of the women shouting and screaming at their children, being emotionally abusive, and exposing their children ro bad male stepfathers themselves

Show quote history

Something like 80% of single parents are women.

It’s not women’s job to be fair to men.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 30/09/2024 08:52

BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home

So he's not not letting her. That phrasing "refuses to let her" suggests she wants to and he's forbidding it.

cannynotsay · 30/09/2024 08:53

You're choosing him over her. She feels uncomfortable for a reason, listen to her!!!

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