He wouldn't give my D back tonight!

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

Is this a wind up?

Your daughter doesn't get along with her stepdad, and you wonder why she wants to stay with her dad.

This is a DH problem not an exH problem.

From reading your post it sounds like the ex is protecting his daughter from a difficult situation with her step dad.

You need to sort out your own house before going to family court to try and force her home.

He's not a problem. It's not like it sounds and DD has blow it out of proportion. If there was a real issue I would sort out my home but it's not. She has just knee jerked and thinks grass is greener

I think you need to reconsider where the problem lies in this situation.

You called the police?

Husband is fine. So if kid says they won't want to go to school we let them? Or they want to watch TV to 1am we let them? Or eat McDonald's all day?
She can't just run away to dads cos she thinks it's better there - bound to be as she only spends 2 nights there a month. Dad doesn't have to parent as such no homework battles or chores or attitude in 2 sleeps. Plus she now won't be in school until he tries to sort that and she has SEN to sort.

YABVU
It's harsh to say it but it's clear that you have chosen your current DH over your DD. And your DD has made a natural choice and has chosen her DF over you.

mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager!

Really? You don't see a problem with this?

Set a period of time, eg one week, in which you will do nothing. Let your daughter have some time and space to think about things and for her dad to see what the full time parenting situation is like. When everyone has calmed down, have a family meeting and talk about what would work best for your daughter going forward.

Maybe she is better off with her dad. And if she’s not she’ll come running back. You can’t make a 13 year old do anything they don’t want to really short of dragging them by the hair (don’t do this).
You might just have to accept this one.

Just to be clear I've not put a dick before my DD. What a horrid thing to say to someone who is obviously reaching out and hurting.
I also have a 6 year old son with husband.
And things have NEVER been bad between them that I've ever felt DD is in anyway being unfairly treated. Ever. They argue, fix it and move on. Mostly the next day then they go back to a normal relationship and get along.

They are a problem to her, you don't get to decide how big the issues are. You need to talk to her with an open mind and actually listen to what she says, don't just dismiss her issues because you've decided they're not big enough to justify her not wanting to live there.

And I totally would. I said if she wants to move to dads I would help and support then move her in the correct manner,
Changing schools, clubs, taking stuff etc and to come home we can talk and sort it but no one would budge.

Your attitude and her stepdad are the problem. Deny it all you like OP but a turbulent relationship with a stepparent can have a profound effect on a child. It took years for me to open my eyes and see what an abusive, horrible person my new husband (DD’s step dad) was. She was right all along, I just hadn’t witnessed his bad side yet.

No, it is not normal for a stepfather to constantly clash, argue and bicker with a teenager.

The vipers are out this evening, Op. Not sure you'll get much good advice tbh

Forcing situations never work well. Maybe let her stay a few days until tempers calm down then reassess

@NewtonsCradle has good advice. Let everyone calm down and see how things work out at her Dad’s. Parenting a teenager full-time is completely different to having them two nights a month. He probably lets her do what she likes for such a short time-but he’ll have to parent properly when she’s got to get up for school/do her homework, etc.

Give her some space to realize that you’re just trying to help her make good decisions.

Thank you at @movingonok
Just wanted some reassurance I suppose that the status quo would be reverted to.

I know I can't force her to come home and even if and when I go down family
Court route if they say dads is best place then I have to go with that just hurting so much. NOTHING has ever happened to justifying leaving me and her siblings I just don't understand right now anything my my little girl is gone and as a mother I'm broken. If I've failed I've failed. And will always be my biggest regret. Can't change past but can future.
Don't know right now

So the first time ever she doesn't want to come back, you immediately call the police and are looking into court?

Sounds like she's made a solid choice to be fair.

At 13 she can decide which parent she wants to live with. Court will have little influence on things. You’re going to make the situation much worse.

Having been on the other side (DD refused to go to dad’s), my advice is you need to let her have the space to be at her dad’s for a few days. Tell her you love her, and arrange a family meeting (without your DP or younger son) for later in the week. Has she her own phone? Can you text her a loving message, tell her you’re always there for her, and just swallow things until everyone gets a bit of calm space?

Calling the police was an escalation and won’t have helped the drama of the situation. I fully understand your response at the time, but it will have heightened things, and may have frightened her.

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here. I think people are jumping to conclusions because you say she has a turbulent relationship with your DH.

But I’m guessing if she has SEN and is a teenager, there’s a chance she’d have been like this whether you were single, or still with her dad.

I’m also surprised that everyone is assuming her dad is being a hero for letting her stay when he has her two days a month.

your ex is BU as this is the first time he has raised the matter.

I’d go to mediation immediately. Much cheaper and fast than lawyers. You really need to talk this through with her dad and also make sure you see your daughter regularly- even if it’s just to visit.

@Ramblomatic she seems to have made a choice but I know it's not the right one for her, which is why I will fight to get her back where I beleive is the best place for her. But guess I have to assume I might not get what I want. Her dad has no idea of her needs, she is a very different teenager for him than me. I've seen and heard it with my own eyes.

Thank you so much @Verydemure
I have already send about 10 emails to sort out mediation as know we have to do that before family court. And to get some free sessions with solicitors for some legal advice.
She's 13. And I know everything isn't a bed a roses at dads house, she's often told me of them arguing, dad leaving etc. but for 2 nights a month I've never needed to step in.
Dad hasn't been to one parents evening, schooling evening, sport day, I could go on. Bare minimum always for 7 years. But now he's trying to be the best dad award for keeping her there away from us bad guys. It's really not bad and not justified at all
Life is hard on us all but we can't just pack off when we want cos we think it's better.
I'm even more upset and worried as she's no idea how hard it will be making new friends in year 9 and getting to know a new SEN department etc. I'm very worried for her general, all round support at dads house as he's rubbish at admin and sorting stuff out.

Why are you refusing to accept that your DD may be better off with her dad than having to tolerate a - in your own words - turbulent relationship with a step dad?